Sunday, December 20, 2009

I put all of my Rotten Eggs in One Basket. The Beast Unleashed just blew up the Basket.

Welcome back, and hey howdy, y’all. Week Fourteen of the Fantasy Football season has ended, and the Fantasy Playoffs are officially underway. First and foremost, I would like to send my condolences to the family of Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry who passed away last Thursday at the age of 26. He seemed to be finally getting his life back on track, and it’s sad that his life had to end so tragically. My prayers are especially with those three young children who have to grow up without a father. RIP Chris Henry…may you find the peace that eluded you in life.
Let’s take a look back on the NFL week that was…They New Orleans Saints pulled out a victory against the Atlanta Falcons.
The Dallas Cowboys were spanked in Jerryworld by the San Diego Chargers (I loved every minute of it.) Then, last night in New Orleans, the Cowboys ended the Saints undefeated streak and eliminated the Falcons in one fell swoop. One more reason, I hate the Cowboys. Peyton and the Colts beat “Little Hoodie” and the Broncos, before becoming the first team to 14-0 this year against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Lord Favre and the Vikings rolled over the Cincinnati Bengals, as the Vikes try to secure that #2 seed in the NFC. Kansas City tried to give Buffalo a game, before losing 16-10. Then, the Chiefs received news that they would be blacked out for the first time in 19 years. 19 years…What were you doing 19 years ago? (I was in the eleventh grade, and future HOF tight end Tony Gonzalez was in the ninth grade.) The year was 1990. The #1 movie-Home Alone, and the #1 song-“Nothing compare 2 U” by Sinead O'Connor Back to the action…Tampa Bay, Detroit, St. Louis, and Oakland were all blown out, a surprise to absolutely no one. Mike Holmgren and Mike Shanahan are both working on deals that would land them in Cleveland and Washington, respectively. Randy Moss was accused of quitting on the Patriots, but was defended by the Hoodie and Tom Brady (who appeared at the post game press conference looking like a member of Hans Gruber’s crew). Kurt Warner and Arizona limped their way through a loss to San Francisco. Mike Tomlin referenced Jim Mora’s famous playoff speech when asked if the Steelers were going to go to the playoffs. Philadelphia and New York played a classic as the Eagles defeated the Giants. Prior to Chris Henry’s death, the news about the Bengals and Chargers was the little dust up between Cincy’s Chad Ochocinco and San Diego’s Shawne Merriman. Earlier in the week, Chad stated that he wanted to “beat Shawne’s head in.” I love following both these guys on Twitter. The initial brouhaha was hilarious. Sadly, Chad, I’m afraid the Bengals are going to lose this battle, and the Chargers are going to take that #2. Well, the fantasy playoffs are on…for some of my teams.

The Merry Mad Men (8-6) v. Ben Gal

The Merry MadMen finished first in their division and are guaranteed at least a fourth place finish in the Hell Raisers League. My Merry Mad Men finished the season against Ben Gal. I lined up the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Ricky Williams, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.

The MadMen hardly played. It was like we took a Colts break. I only had two players in double digits LaDainian Tomlinson and Ricky Williams. My Player of the Week was Ricky Williams, who even with a poor game brought in 14 points. The Merry Madmen ended the regular season with a loss to Ben Gal (thanks for nothing Kurt Warner) 58-67.

Hecate’s HellHounds (6-8) v. crazyeights

The HellHounds were supposed to be my best team. With Drew Brees how could we lose right? Wrong. The Hell Hounds finished the season with a 6-8 record, tied for second place in the division, and eliminated from the playoffs. I guess, the HellHounds and the Falcons have something else in common. Tony Gonzalez and no playoff hopes. Sorry T. G. maybe next year. SMH…Oh, well… The team finally ran out of gas at the finish last with this starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Ricky Williams, WRs-Nate Burleson, Santonio Holmes, Donald Driver, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Olindo Mare, DST-San Diego Chargers. My Player of the Week was, of course, Drew Brees with 29 points. Ryan Grant had a great showing as well with 25 points. The HellHounds went down swinging as we took the crazyeights 94-61.

The Crazy 88’s (6-7-1) v. Black Sheep

The Crazy 88’s was the team that I accidentally signed up for earlier this year. Like their name sakes (Tony Gonzalez and the O-Ren Ishii gang), they were taken out of the game early and easily eliminated from the playoffs. We finished last place in our division. The team that beat us is currently in the playoffs, so I don’t feel that bad about it. Before we hooked up the U-Hauls, I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Julius Jones and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Reggie Wayne, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Dan Carpenter, DST-San Diego Chargers. Donovan McNabb was my Player of the Week with 23 points. Blah-blah-blah, They lost to Black Sheep by a score (ironically) of 88-55.

Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez (6-7) v. The Beast Unleashed

Team Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez began its playoff run last week. Yeah, I know, but they were the best of our sucky division. I finished the season in first. I went up against the Beast Unleashed. Clearly, Taylor knew what he was talking about when he named his team. This was my line-up: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-LDT and Cedric Benson, WR-T. J. Houshmandzadeh, Mike Wallace, and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Dan Carpenter, DST-San Diego Chargers. This is who Taylor lined up: Donovan McNabb (19 pts), Chris Johnson (35 pts), Thomas Jones (21 pts), Ray Rice (25 pts), Andre Johnson (31 pts), Fred Davis (17 pts), Vincent Jackson (12 pts), Ryan Longwell (14 pts), and the Eagles D/ST (16 pts). This is a two week playoff game…Normally, that would be great except no player on his team had single digits. Jay Cutler was my Player of the Week with 12 points. The Beast Unleashed ripped GMUG apart 190-48. I don’t see that changing much this week.

Well, that’s all I’ve got guys. We wave goodbye to The Crazy 88’s and Hecate’s HellHounds. Good Luck to you guys during the playoffs. Until next week, kids… I’d like to leave you with this from Coach Joe Paterno, “Losing a game is heartbreaking. Losing your sense of excellence or worth is a tragedy.” Good luck guys, and see you next week.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

They said it couldn’t be done…Wrong…Wrong!

Welcome back, y’all! Week Thirteen of the fantasy football season is over and depending on which fantasy company you use you are in your final week or the first week of the playoffs. This article will be completely free of that news story that has dominated the airwaves, newsprint, and blogs for the last two weeks. So what’s up in the world of football? Jonathan Babineaux was arrested with the marijuana. Mike Vrabel told Josh “Little Hoodie” McDaniels and the Broncos that they were #1. Chad Ochocinco was fined $30,000a ponco and sombrero on the sidelines after a TD. Shawne Merriman sued Tila Tequila for copyright infringement (could I sue her for causing involuntary bouts of dry heaves brought about by her mere appearance? I'm just saying...). My favorite Tony Gonzalez took a child to school this week and proclaimed his undying optimism to the AJC. I love Tony...He could find a positive in a trainwreck. Flozell Adams added $50,000 to his NFL Fine tab which is now at $75,000. Brett Favre and the Vikings went into the desert and came out losers. A guy just as old as Brett, Kurt Warner took it to Brett and reminded everybody that even though they lost, they did go to the Super Bowl last year...Hey, Larry Fitzgerald...I see ya...The New Orleans Saints left Washington wondering what happen as they stole the game from the Redskins in overtime to remain undefeated. The Colts brought the Titans win streak to an end, which is fitting considering it began after Jeff Fisher donned a Peyton Manning jersey. Matt Ryan is dealing with turf toe, Michael Turner is dealing with an ankle, and Tony Gonzalez is living in denial as the Falcons were handed a spanking by the Philadelphia Eagles. Pittsburgh lost to Oakland and Cleveland in the span of four days (not to mention losing to my Chiefs *kicking while down*). JaMarcus "I too am in denial" Russel can't figure out why he is on the bench while Bruce Gradkowski is showing glimpses of Ken Stabler for the Raiders. Kansas City just let Denver score another touchdown. Dallas and New England both lost to division rivals and still received more press than the Colts and Saints who are undefeated and the Chargers who are on a seven game win streak. Oddly enough, Philip Rivers has done more in the playoffs and performed better in December than Tony Romo, but you wouldn't know that if you watch the mainstream press. Now to my the debacle that has been my fantasy season...

Fantasy football is a lot like the real NFL on any given Sunday anybody can win. Last week I went 1-1-2...Two Ties...Smh...I just don't know...

The Merry Mad Men (8-5) v. New Jersey Girls
My Merry Mad Men took on The Last Cowboy of the Hell Raisers League. I played the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Ricky Williams, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.
My MadMen was the only team that had an out and out victory last year. They go into the final game of the season 8-5. Santonio Holmes had a big game in the Steeler lost against the Raiders. LaDainian had great game, but my Player of the Week was Kurt Warner, who even with a bad hip, beat old man Brett Favre limping off the field with 29 points. The Merry Madmen edged New Jersey Girl with a 106-105 victory.

Hecate’s HellHounds (5-8) v. Satans Children
Even with Drew Brees this team could not get out of its own way. Last week was no different as we limp to the finish line with another loss. My starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Ricky Williams, WRs-Nate Burleson, Santonio Holmes, Donald Driver, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Olindo Mare, DST-San Diego Chargers. My Player of the Week was, of course, Drew Brees with 26 points. Satans Children kicked the HellHounds 100-90...

The Crazy 88’s (6-6-1) v. Green Machine
Oddly enough the 88's ended last week in a tie with Donovan McNabb at the helm. I've seen my future with the 88's, and it's about as bright as Charlie Weis' career with Notre Dame. I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Julius Jones and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Reggie Wayne, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Dan Carpenter, DST-San Diego Chargers. Donovan McNabb was my Player of the Week with 16 points. Blah-blah-blah, They tied Green Machine 71-71.

Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez (6-7) v. Kiss the Baby
Team Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez has had an up and down year. The team had a name change after losing Anthony Gonzalez. We have not had a reliable quarter back, and we were never above .500. But, GMG has done something that no NFL team has ever done. We won our division and are going to the playoffs (we will lose in the 1st round). I don't know how we did it, but we did...LOL... I lined-up with: QB-Mark “I’m only a rookie” Sanchez, RB-LDT, and Cedric Benson, WR-T. J. Houshmandzadeh, Mike Wallace, and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Dan Carpenter, DST-San Diego Chargers. LaDainian Tomlinson was my Player of the Week with 14 points. Wish us luck as the Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez tied Kiss the Baby 79-79 on their way to their first playoff game.

Well, that’s all I’ve got guys. This week is the final week of the fantasy football season for three of my teams. Playoffs begin next week. Good Luck to you guys during week 14. Until next week, kids… I’d like to leave you with this from Coach Herman Edward, "I know one thing - after the cloud leaves, there's a rainbow. When that comes, I don't know." Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Somedays...I Would Like to Shoot my TV...and other Random Thoughts

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." Martin Luther King Jr

I'm taking a minute away from my normal diatribe about my life as a fantasy football owner to talk about a subject that has dominated the airwaves for the last two weeks-The Tiger Woods Saga. It all started innocuously enough. Most of us had that momentary heart skip a beat when we heard that Tiger Woods was in serious condition after a car accident. "Oh, no," most of us thought, "I hope Tiger is okay." After a summer of people the world has come to know and love leaving us, it was a rational idea. That is until we heard that the accident had happened in the wee hours of the morning (like grandma said, nothing good ever happens after midnight). Then, we hear about unusual scratches, alleged arguments, broken out back windows, golf clubs, and of course, we became interested. Why? Because we are a country that thrives on "reality" shows, we grew up with The Maury Povich Show (Joe, you are not the father), cut our teeth on Jerry Springer (Jerry, Jerry, Jerry), read tabloids as we check our groceries (Branelina adopts #3), because we like to know that there is somebody's life out there who is more interesting and jacked-up than mine.

We are the reasons these trainwreck shows, The Girls Next Door, Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, The Hills, The Real World, Cheaters, Frankie and Neffe, Tiny and Toya, Bravos Housewives, Keeping up with the Kardashians, etc. are all still on the air. (Most of these people, to quote Ulysses Everett McGill, "are just dumber than a bag of hammers!") I'll be honest with you. I don't really watch these shows. What I know about them comes from Joel McHale making fun of them on The Soup or Chelsea Handler on Chelsea Lately. Just watching the commercials makes me want to take a shower, and they have the same affect on my intellect as driving my head through a wall. America, however, wanted more. It wasn't just the tabloids anymore. It was ESPN (who shouldn't be casting any stones), CNN, Dateline, 20/20, Today...Blah-Blah-Blah.

Over the course of the last two weeks, everyone everywhere has been giving there opinions on the whole Tiger drama. So, since this is my blog. I'm going to share mine. There were just some statements that, to speak the venacular, hit me in the wrong way. I would like to take the moment to address a few of these comments.

#1-"Why are we surprised? He's just a man. He's a handsome, rich, athlete, why wouldn't he?" Guys, you should be insulted by this comment, because it is a cop out. It is an excuse. That's like saying to a fat kid that its okay for him to eat a dozen Krispy Cremes, cause he's a fat kid. Okay, well it's an apples to oranges comparison, but you get my point. So, let me get this straight. As long as he did not "physically" hurt his wife, kept her in a nice house, and kept her wearing the best clothes while driving their kids in the best car, it's alright for him to have as many affairs as he wants to? If he wasn't rich and athletic, would we feel the same way? What if he were your child's high school science teacher, would you still feel the same? I doubt it. He could have physically hurt her, as well as, his children with STD's. She's blessed, as far as we know, not to have that issue. Golf is one of the few sports that rely on the golfers to tell the truth about their actions on the course. They have score cards that they themselves fill out, and they are suppose to be honest and truthful. As a husband or a wife (ladies, I'm not excluding you either), you make the same commitment. You are suppose to love, honor and cherish your partner. If you are not ready to fulfill those obligations, you should not get married. Being a player hasn't hurt Derek Jeter's image, why not? Because HE IS SINGLE! He hasn't committed himself to one woman. He can date as many girls as he wants because he is not MARRIED. If you want a buffet of ladies, don't get married. If he had honored his marriage vows the way he honored his PGA card, Nike, or GM deals, none of this would have happened to him.

#2-"Why does he only date white women? Why weren't any of the girls Black?" Wh-wh-what? First of all, black people let it go. Tiger is mostly Asian. I don't see Asian people offended, by the fact that he didn't "hook up" with Asian girls either. Some people just have a preference. I prefer black clothes. So what... Get over it. This guy knows who he is. He celebrates his "individuality," so much so that he gave it his own name. Big deal. Did you miss the fact that he cheated on his wife, with an unknown number of women (We don't know the exact number. We just know that he says he had transgressions. As an English major, by adding the "s" and making it plural, we assume that he had more than one.). He admitted his infidelity, and you concern yourself with what shade the women are? Shaq allegedly cheated with black women does that make it better for you? It doesn't for me. I'm pretty sure his wife isn't considering the shade of skin tone either.

#3-"Tiger Woods was set up by "The Man" who doesn't want to see a "brother" succeed." Really..."The Man"...Really? What is this 1970? While Tiger's libido may resemble one of the swingers of the 70's, are we really going to go there? When did this turn into I'm Gonna Git You Sucka? "The Man" made Tiger swing his driver and polish his balls. C'mon, really? Blaming "The Man" is like blaming "The Devil" for your transgressions. Neither can make you do anything that you yourself aren't willing to do anyway. I don't care if "the man" had naked women swinging from Tiger's chandelier; Tiger made the choice to partake in the naughty buffet, and like a fat man on a diet at Golden Corral, he was "weak" and succumbed. Period, end of discussion. Tiger can blame no one but Tiger.

#4-"He's a busta for letting people chase him off the course. I ain't letting no body keep me from my job for this." Uhm, folks, Tiger literally never has to work another day in his life, unless he wants to, and unless he goes all Nicholas Cage or Mike Tyson with his money, he will be okay. That said. In my profession, I can tell you that there is a about a 95% chance that I would not be able to keep my job, and I don't make millions or hundreds of thousands of dollars. Tiger makes more swigging G2 than I will in my entire life time. If he had concentrated on his relationship like he does making the final cut, this wouldn't have happened. If he had spent as many hours working on his relationship as he did getting ready for the Masters, this wouldn't have happened. Just like the petulant young man on the golf course who gets fans thrown out for taking a picture of his swing, Tiger is use to having things his way. Things have now spiralled out of his control, and he feels like he needs to gain control of it. How pray tell can he do that on the golf course? Best revenge is success? Who has already had the most success on the course? So, he hasn't captured Jack Nichlaus' majors. The man is 33 years old. He could win one major a year and still have that record by 40. He needs to step back and look at what he has done to his family and his reputation. We don't know that he is running, and so what if he is, it is now his business. Let it go.

Whew, stepping down from my soapbox. I expect that a lot of people will not agree with me. That's okay. This is simply what it is my opinion. I stopped looking up athletes and movie stars as role models as a kid... Why? I stopped being naive a long time ago. Because, nobody is perfect. I learned that when I saw Jerry Rice drop F-bombs during a heated post-game interview, Magic Johnson admit his HIV status, Larry Bird and Dr. J's outside kids, Derrick Thomas' list of children after his death, and Shawne Merriman busted for steriods. I watch these players for the talent they display on the field. I enjoy them for the entertainment, joy and memories their athletics have brought me, and I leave it at that. We don't really know these people, but at the end of the day, that's what they are extrodinarily talented "people" who make mistakes just like you and me. I'm not going to stop watching because of their indiscretions, neither are you. Just like every Easter, Thankgiving, and Christmas, I watch a little girl (a girl who eventually left this world dead of an overdose on a bathroom floor) following the yellow brick road just trying to find her way home.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

It’s a Believable Story…Y’all saw Hancock, Right?

Welcome back, everybody! Week Twelve of the fantasy football season has come and gone, and it left my team with about as much love as a Thanksgiving turkey after dinner. So, what’s been happening? We digress for a moment to talk about an athlete not an NFL player getting in trouble. What’s up with Tiger Woods y’all? Who knew he was a playa? I’m sorry, player. Wow, Eldrick… Big ups on the story about the back windows of the vehicles, it is really believable. No, really, we believe you. *wink* Now, I don’t condone Tiger’s actions, but seriously was anyone really shocked? Okay, we were shocked temporarily, because he billed himself as “Mr. Perfect.” After words, it was more, eh… Back to football. The New Orleans Saints laid a smackdown on The Hoodie and the New England Patriots. Tom Brady looked as if he were ready to cry, and The Hoodie looked perplexed…He still looked perplexed two days later. Drew Brees and Darren Sharper and all those people who catch the ball from Drew Brees are showing that the Saints are leaving their “Ain’ts” history behind. Peyton Manning pulled out another victory against the Houston Texans who appear to be writing a book on how to lose the Indianapolis Colts. This makes five comeback victories in a row for Peyton. The Minnesota Vikings had two players cited for speeding off the field this week, Bernard Berrian and Adrian Peterson, clearly they thought they were still on the field as they and Lord Favre walked all over the Chicago Bears last week. Hines Ward questioned Big Ben’s head after the Steelers dropped their third game in a row as the Ravens defeated the Steelers with young Dennis Dixon at the helm. Tennessee made it five wins in a row with Vince Young returning to the pocket. The San Diego Chargers introduced their 50th anniversary team and then proceeded to introduce my Kansas City Chiefs to a world of hurt with a 43-14 victory. Larry Johnson then add insult to injury by running for 107 yards in Cedric Benson’s absence in Cincinnati’s victory against Cleveland. The Bengals have swept the NFC North. Now, who saw that coming? The Sanchize injured himself Thursday night against the Bills, and Rex Ryan called him a knuckle head. Tony Gonzalez and the Falcons pulled out a victory after losing Matt Ryan and Michael Turner. Washington, St. Louis, Carolina, and Jacksonville lost…Nothing to see there.

Now, for my weekly Shawne Merriman statement. Rest up, big man. You don’t really have to play against Cleveland. They will find a way to lose. I need you well rested for December 20th and Christmas Day. Why you ask? I need to see the match against Cincinnati and OchoCinco. Christmas Day, it will be payback against the Titans who injured your knee. (That’s right Mawae, I haven’t forgotten). Now, San Diego fans, get off his back. I had a similar injury in my arm. Spent a week in a sling, and a month in physical therapy. He tried to play last week; he couldn’t. Yes, Eli played with the same injury, and they lost to Denver. I hope he leaves (Kansas City or San Francisco?). Ingrates. Be careful what you complain about, just ask the Chiefs how they would love to have Jared Allen, Scott Fujita, and Tony Gonzalez back. I’d rather have a 50% Merriman than what we have half the time. I saw that game last week. Wasn’t pretty. Sigh…I guess I’ll talk about what happened to my fantasy team last week…

This past week my fantasy teams went 1-3. Whatever…

The Merry Mad Men (7-5) v. the Last Cowboy

My Merry Mad Men took on The Last Cowboy of the Hell Raisers League. I played the following team: QB-Matt Hasselbeck, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Ricky Williams, WR-Donald Driver, Mike Wallace, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.

My MadMen fell off considerably last week without Kurt Warner steering the helm. Kurt was hurt (hey that rhymed), so I started Matt Hasselbeck, whose 5 points weren’t much better than the inactive Warner. LDT and Ricky Williams both turn in okay performances. TG had 8 points even without his starting QB. My receivers are killing me with these single digit performances. My Player of the Week is the Chargers D/ST who ran up 23 points against my Kansas City Chiefs. *Sigh* It didn’t help as the Last Cowboy lassoed the MadMen 121-104.

Hecate’s HellHounds (5-7) v. Tim Grim Reapers 2

Well the HellHounds will definitely be cleaning out their lockers this week. The Playoffs are history for this team. This victory was too little, too late. Playoff hopes are gone with the wind. My starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Ricky Williams, WRs-Nate Burleson, Mike Wallace, Donald Driver, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Olindo Mare, DST-San Diego Chargers. This game showed all the hope that I had for this team when the season began. There was all kinds of points springing up for this team. Even the bench had 66 points. My Player of the Week was, of course, Drew Brees with 44 points. The HellHounds are going down swinging taking out Tim Grim Reapers 2, 133-57.

The Crazy 88’s (6-6) v. Jawbreaker

Turn out the lights; the party’s over for the 88’s who are tied for last place in our division. SMH… I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Mewelde Moore and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Reggie Wayne, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Dan Carpenter, DST-San Diego Chargers. Blah-blah-blah, They lost. The San Diego Chargers D/ST was my player of the week with 23 points. The Crazy 88’s fall (again) to Jawbreaker 106-89.

Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez (5-7) v. Big Fat Ugly Dudes

Team Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez was on the ropes. Now, we have gone down like Oscar de la Hoya against Manny Paquiao. I lined-up with: QB-Mark “But, I’m a rookie” Sanchez, RB-LDT, and Mike Bell, WR-T. J. Houshmandzadeh, Mike Wallace, and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Dan Carpenter, DST-San Diego Chargers. The Chargers D/ST was my player of the week with 18 points. The Big Fat Ugly Dudes sat on the GMG and destroyed my playoff hopes with a final score of 81-56.

A brief moment...

I would like to take this moment to congratulate one of my all-time favorite players, Derrick Thomas. Derrick Thomas was the reason I became a Kansas City Chiefs fan. I loved watching him fly around the field and taking down quarterbacks. His 7 sacks in a game is record that stands to this day, and one many think will never be broken. When Derrick Thomas died, Chiefs fans lost more than a player. I actually stopped watching for two years after his death. It just wasn't the same. Thomas spent his entire career in a Kansas City Chiefs uniform. This past August, DT was finally inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame. Today, December 6, 2009, the Kansas City Chiefs will retire his number 58. It feels good to know that no one will ever wear his number 58 as a Chief again. There will never be another that could fill those cleats. Thank you, #58. RIP Derrick Thomas (1967-2000)...

Well, that’s all I’ve got guys. This week is the final week of the fantasy football season. Playoffs begin next week. Good Luck to you guys during week 13. Until next week, kids… I’d like to leave you with this from Herman Edward, “I wish we could have made more of a game of it, but it wasn't. They took us behind the woodshed and whupped us.” Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

Sunday, November 29, 2009

OMG, I’m SMH @ WTH is going on w/my FF teams. IMO it MNDS.

Wake up, everybody! Welcome Back, Ladies and Gents. It took me a couple days to recover from my turkey coma, but it was worth it. We are in the home stretch of the fantasy football season, but I feel like my team is caught up in a rundown between third and home. Depending on your league, you have two weeks to wrap up playoff spots or prepare for next year. I have a feeling two or more of my teams will be cleaning out their lockers. While the NFL Playoff season doesn’t begin until January, fantasy players only have one-two weeks to get their affairs in order. So what’s up in the NFL world? My Kansas City Chiefs, MY KANSAS CITY CHIEFS, beat the Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers in overtime. My mouth is still agape-a two game winning streak and the end of a 10 game losing streak at Arrowhead. “Little Hoodie” Josh McDaniel told the San Diego Chargers “We own you.” before the Chargers spanked the Broncos 32-3. Best line from the “controversy,” my boy Shawne Merriman’s reply to the press, “It was cute.” That’s okay, Joshie, you took out your revenge and your big boy language (dropped an MF during the nationally televised game) and spanked Eli and the Giants on Thanksgiving night. The Cowboys had only scored 14 total points in their last two games including one of the ugliest 7-6 wins over the Washington Redskins. The offense of the Cowboys found their way to in-zone as they dropped the Raiders on Thanksgiving day. JaMarcus “It ain’t my fault” Russell was benched for Bruce Gradkowski. Sigh, they won one surprising the AFC North leading Cincinnati Bengals, then they lost on Thanksgiving, which is appropriate after all the Raiders are a bunch of Turkeys. (I am working on my hate, but I’m a work in progress.) Vince Young has the Tennessee Titans on a winning track. Big Ben Roethlisberger went down with a concussion during the Chiefs game, and his back up Charlie Batch broke his wrist (lost probably for the rest of the regular season). Jay Cutler spent his Sunday night destroying my hopes to go to the playoffs as the Bears fell to the Eagles. The Patriots avenged their earlier loss as Rex Ryan whined about being disrespected as the Jets fell 31-14. Kurt Warner is dealing with a head/neck injury; the stinker game of the week Lions/Browns turned out to be a really good game with young Matthew Stafford gutting out a shoulder injury to throw a last minute touchdown to defeat the Browns. and Peyton, Drew and Favre all *gasp, shock, awe* won again. These three QB’s are fighting for MVP. Personally, I’m rooting for Brees.

This week my Chiefs take on the San Diego Chargers who are celebrating their 50th Anniversary. Congrats to my Fantasy Players-LaDainian Tomlinson, Shawne Merriman, Kassim Osgood, Quentin Jammer, and Darren Sproles who made the 50th Anniversary team. Philip Rivers, Antonio Gates, and Jamal Williams are among the current players who made the team. Now, the Chiefs are my team, and I love them, but I have gone on record about my unhealthy love for most things Shawne Merriman. Now, Merriman has 6 sacks in 7 games against the Chiefs. Sack, but don’t kill Matt Cassel, Shawne. Please don’t hurt him. We owe him too much money.

This past week my fantasy teams went 2-2. I…I…Here is the evidence of my tragic week.

The Merry Mad Men (7-4) v. Murder

My Merry Mad Men took on Murder of the Hell Raisers League. I “took the field” with the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Ricky Williams, WR-Donald Driver, Mike Wallace, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.

My MadMen are back to their winning ways and hangin. LDT and the Chargers D showed the Broncos who owned whom pulling in 13 and 19 points respectively. The “old guys” Kurt Warner (18 points) and Tony Gonzalez (14 points) both had really good games as well. My receivers however were all in single digits. Even the kicker Nate Kaeding (14 points) had a better day than they did. It was Ricky Williams, however, who was my Player of the Week again running away with 30 points against the Carolina Panthers. The MadMen arrested Murder with a 122-107 victory.

Hecate’s HellHounds (4-7) v. Nostradamus

Well the HellHounds will be cleaning out their lockers this week. The Playoffs are history for this team. Playoff hopes are just about gone. My starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Ricky Williams, WRs-Deverey Henderson, Mike Wallace, Donald Driver, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Olindo Mare, DST-San Diego Chargers. If there is such thing as player of the week for this team, it would be Ricky Williams with his 30 points. Nostradamus predicted that my Hellpups would lose 116-120. FYI: If I had started Nate Burleson, I would have won. Talk about Hindsight. BTW, I hate you Nate Burleson.

The Crazy 88’s (6-5) v. Greenfield Assassins

The 88’s are tied for last place in our division. SMH… I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Julius Jones and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Reggie Wayne, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Dan Carpenter, DST-San Diego Chargers. Donovan McNabb and the San Diego Chargers D/ST were my players of the week each fielding a 19 point performance. The Crazy 88’s, however, could not make it two in a row losing 85-91.

Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez (5-6) v. Team Bill Clinton

I don’t know how this team is tied for first in their division. I just don’t know. I’m happy, though. I lined-up with: QB-Jay “I hate myself for drafting you” Cutler, RB-LDT, and Mike Bell, WR-T. J. Houshmandzadeh, Mike Wallace, and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Dan Carpenter, DST-San Diego Chargers. My player of the week was Mike Bell with 19 points. Bill Clinton couldn’t explain why his team fell to Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez 98-86.


Well, that’s all I’ve got guys. Until next week, kids… I’d like to leave you with nugget of knowledge from “Sir” Charles Barkley,Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train.” Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

Sunday, November 22, 2009

It’s the Twilight of the Fantasy Season. Who do you chose: Team Peyton or Team Drew?

Welcome Back, Ladies and Gents. It’s crunch time in the fantasy world. While the NFL Playoff season doesn’t begin until January, fantasy players only have three weeks to get their affairs in order. So what’s up in the NFL world? Rex Ryan cried in front of his football team. The guru Bill Belichick is being crucified (I laugh only because I don’t like him) for his fourth and two play against Peyton Manning and the Colts, who *gasp* won again. Kyle Orton is hurt, Michael Turner is hurt, Troy Polomalu is hurt; so is Albert Haynesworth, Brian Westbrook, Cedric Benson, and Jerious Norwood. There are some Fantasy owners doing a Nancy Kerrigan “Why?” cry right about now. Include me in that list. Former Chief Larry Johnson became a Cincinnati Bengal. Dick Jauron was *gasp* fired (can’t say I was shocked or cared). Speaking of the Bills, Titans owner’s Bud Adams was fined $250,000 for repeatedly reminding the Bills fans that his last place Titans were Number One. The Ravens beat the Browns on a Monday Night Football game that only Ravens and Browns fans watched. I assumed they won. I didn’t watch the game; if I wanted to watch paint dry, I would actually, well paint. The Broncos lost Kyle Orton, then their dignity as they lost to the Washington Redskins. My Chiefs finally won game number two (then, Dwayne Bowe was suspended for 4 games for diuretics), but my game of the week was Dallas at Green Bay. Now, I don’t like either of these teams, and I was terribly upset that I was all but forced to watch it. It was so amusing watching America’s Team lose to a team that was beaten the week before by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I’m a hater…I admit… Oh, yeah, Peyton, Drew, and Favre won. I know, I, too, was shocked by that news.

Then, surprise, surprise. Ms. Alcoholic Beverage filed a lawsuit against Shawne Merriman, had a Britney meltdown and then accused him of practically every crime she and her brain (I assume) could imagine, including questioning black people for supporting him because he doesn’t date black girls. Excuse me, I don’t care who or what he dates for that matter and long as he performs on the field. It’s not like I’ll ever date him. We support him because your account sounds like a bad episode of some CW drama. Hey, Mr. Rock, come get your girl. She was due to crawl back under you about two years ago. I am so sick of these “women.” Seriously, I understand that there have been girls who have been assaulted by athletes. I am heartedly sympathetic to these girls. It is girls like her (and I refuse to use that sham of a name) who make it difficult for the real victims to come forward. I’m not completely taking Merriman off the hook, after all, he did take her home, but I truly hope he takes a play from Big Ben and countersues. Gentlemen, do us all stop put a C and an L before it. Remember, Class before…well you fill in the blank.

The week before my fantasy teams went 4-0. This past week: 1-3. To quote the quote master, Jim Mora, himself, "You just never know. You think you know, but you don't. And you never will." This has been an up and down year with more downs than ups. Here’s the whole mess…

The Merry Mad Men (6-4) v. bucs

My Merry Mad Men took on The Rebels of the Hell Raisers League. I came to play with the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Ricky Williams, WR-Donald Driver, Mike Wallace, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.

Good news: my MadMen are still number one in the division. Bad news: 4 losses, Yikes! LDT finally showed some fire and turned in a 21 point performance. Congratulations to the Tomlinsons who are expecting their first baby. God Bless! Kurt Warner was once again my Player of the Week again pulling in 25 points by himself, but the MadMen went down swinging losing to the bucs 111-105.

Hecate’s HellHounds (4-6) v. Den Destroyers

The HellHounds are dropping faster than Lamar Odom’s IQ. Playoff hopes are just about gone. My starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Ricky Williams, WRs-Deverey Henderson, Mike Wallace, Donald Driver, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Olindo Mare, DST-San Diego Chargers. Drew was my player of the week with 16 points. Drew, really? Help a sister out! My Hell pups survived the hurricane 92-52.

The Crazy 88’s (6-4) v. G Dogs

The 88’s are tied for last place in our division. SMH… I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Julius Jones and Fred Jackson, WRs-Donald Driver, Reggie Wayne, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Dan Carpenter, DST-San Diego Chargers. Donovan McNabb and the Eagles lost to the San Diego Chargers, but his 28 points made him my Player of the Week. The Crazy 88’s was my only winner of the week beating the G Dogs 97-43.

Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez (4-6) v. The Beast Unleashed

Whatever…I’ve practically had it with this team. I lined-up with: QB-Jay “I hate myself for drafting you” Cutler, RB-LDT, and Cedric Benson, WR-T. J. Houshmandzadeh, Mike Wallace, and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Dan Carpenter, DST-San Diego Chargers. My player of the week was LDT. The Beast Unleashed opened up a can of whoop a** on Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez 105-79. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Well, that’s all I’ve got guys. Until next week, kids… I end with Jim Mora’s most famous rant, "Playoffs?! Don't talk about playoffs! Are you kidding me? Playoffs? I'm just hoping we can win another game!" Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Thanks for the Block, October...or Why a Semi-nude Tony Gonzalez will not get me a PETA Card...

Welcome Back, Ladies and Gents. If you are a follower of this blog, by now you know that I absolutely crazy about NFL football. One of the great things about the NFL is that while you do have your powerhouse teams, you never know what’s going to happen from week to week. For example, who would have thought that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (in their creamsicle uniforms no less) and young Josh Freeman would have thumped the Green Bay Packers [Congratulations, @ShirleyHuangEsq!]. The Cincinnati Bengals swept the Baltimore Ravens this year and could possibly sweep the Pittsburgh Steelers this week. The Saints are still undefeated and could possibly have the offensive (Drew Brees) and defensive (Darren Sharper) MVPs. Probably the one constant in the NFL is that Peyton Manning is still Peyton Manning, and the Colts are still undefeated.
Early this season, I revealed my picks for the NFL season. Now, that we are at mid-season, let’s see how my choices are fairing. *Cue the Flashback music* Do-do-do-do-do, Do-do-do-do-do (Diana Dishes, has a non-existent budget. We can’t actually afford music. We call this using our “I-ma-gi-na-tion,” okay…). Here were my “predictions:”
AFC East: 1-New England Patriots, 2-Miami Dolphins, 3-New York Jets, 4-Buffalo Bills AFC South: 1-Indianapolis Colts, 2-Jacksonville Jaguars, 3-Tennessee Titans, 4-Houston Texans AFC North: 1-Pittsburgh Steelers, 2-Baltimore Ravens, 3-Cincinnati Bengals, 4-Cleveland Browns AFC West: 1-San Diego Chargers, 2-Kansas City Chiefs, 3-Denver Broncos, 4-Oakland Raiders Wildcards: Baltimore, Jacksonville AFC Championship Game: San Diego v. New England AFC Champs-San Diego
NFC East: 1-New York Giants, 2-Philadelphia Eagles, 3-Dallas Cowboys, 4-Washington Redskins NFC South: 1-New Orleans Saints, 2-Atlanta Falcons, 3-Carolina Panthers , 4-Tampa Bay Buccaneers NFC North: 1-Minnesota Vikings, 2-Green Bay Packers, 3-Chicago Bears, 4-Detroit Lions NFC West: 1-Arizona Cardinals, 2-Seattle Seahawks, 3-San Francisco 49ers, 4-St. Louis Rams Wildcards: Philadelphia Eagles, Atlanta Falcons NFC Championship Game: New York v. Minnesota NFC Champs-New York Giants Super Bowl XLIV-New York Giants v. San Diego Chargers Super Bowl Champions-San Diego Chargers
In the AFC East, of course, Tom Brady and the Pats are number one, but I thought Miami would at least maintain. Wrong. Jets are at second with 4-4 record, while the Dolphins are 3-5. Why did I think the Dolphins had a better record? Only three games? I thought they had won more. Huh, I really need to stay on top of that. Oh well, at least, I was right about the Bills.
In the AFC South, of course, Peyton Manning and the Colts are number one and undefeated, but what is going on in the AFC South? The Texans, yes, those Texans, are number 2, while the Titans (who had the best record last year) are in last place with a 2-6 record. Huh? Wh-Wh-What? Jacksonville continues to fool everybody, because they can’t make up they want to win or lose with their 4-4 record.
The AFC North has had the biggest surprise. I swear, I did not see the Bengals at number 2, much less #1. Who would have thunk it? Currently, they are tied at number 1 with the Steelers. Baltimore is third with a 4-4 record, while the Cleveland Browns continue to flounder in the basement playing “Who’s our quarterback this week?” Mangenius, anyone else find that as funny as me? Oh, yeah, Romeo Crennel. I still stand by the Steelers.
The AFC West continues to struggle finding its identity in the league. I picked and continue to stand behind San Diego. While the Denver Broncos (shockingly) continue to hold the #1 spot in the West, I don’t see it lasting (I never drink the Kool-Aid when it comes to the Broncos). San Diego is starting to recover from those early injuries. Did y’all see Shawne Merriman taking it to Eli last week (sorry, @vthrilla and @sportychic56)? I think the Chargers will be back at the top before the year is out. The Chiefs and Raiders are, well, who we thought they were-pitiful. A moment of silence for my Chiefs…Thank you.
The NFC East is topsy-turvy as always. Cowboys are currently number one, while the Giants continue their skid to number 3. The Eagles are #2, but they are inconsistent at best (I mean, really, losing to the Raiders?). I don’t even want to talk about the Redskins.
So far, I am perfect in the NFC South. I thought the Saints would storm back, but undefeated, I didn’t see that, after all, it’s the Saints. Even with the addition of Tony “I’d rather be naked” Gonzalez, I believed that the Falcons would slip a little this year. I didn’t think Carolina and Tampa would slip so far down this year.
Surprisingly, I’m perfect in The NFC North, as well. The NFC North is once again ruled over by Lord Favre, the only difference, he’s wearing purple instead of green. He laid the smack down twice (laughing all the way) on Green Bay, who has become, well, confusing (SMH, losing to Tampa?). Lovie, what is going on in Chicago? Oh, yeah, Jay Cutler brought his little boy act to Chi-town. I only hope it doesn’t cost Lovie his job. Then, Detroit…yeh. Moving on.
The Arizona Cardinals are still in charge of the AFC West behind the duo of Larry Fitzgerald and Kurt “Father Time” Warner. San Fran is currently at #2, although they don’t really know what to do with they are doing at quarterback. Seattle, SMH, was it really all that long ago that they ruled this division. St. Louis, there are no words. (I think the people of Missouri should petition for a real NFL team or maybe combine the Chiefs and Rams to make one mediocre team).
My Wildcards, I don’t see Jacksonville to make it. Baltimore might not either. Denver and Cincy are going to be tough outs. I still stand by San Diego and New England in the Championship (watch Peyton prove me wrong). I’m still putting San Diego in the Super Bowl, until they prove otherwise.
My NFC Wildcards, well, I think it will be Philly and Atlanta. I can see New Orleans and Minnesota in the NFC Championship game. I don’t see New York, unfortunately, making the playoffs. I also see Favre breaking down before the end. Maybe New Orleans will finally see a Super Bowl…
I’m standing by the Chargers winning it all. Yeah, I said it. We will see when the final whistle blows in February.
Last week, My fantasy teams went 4-0!!! 4-0!! I don’t know how it happened. I don’t think it will happen again, but I am sure celebrating. Here’s how it all went down…

The Merry Mad Men (6-3) v. Eaglescrazy
My Merry Mad Men took on The Rebels of the Hell Raisers League. I came to play with the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Ricky Williams, WR-Donald Driver, Mike Wallace, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.
My MadMen are still number one in the division (yes, with a Josh McDaniel’s fist pump). LDT and Ricky Williams didn’t light it up. Donald Driver and Mike Wallace picked them up. But, I didn’t see that Kurt Warner performance coming. Five touchdowns!?!?!? Clearly, Warner was my Player of the Week again pulling in 40 points by himself. My MadMen spanked Eaglescrazy 104-68 past The Rebels 92-87.

Hecate’s HellHounds (4-5) v. the hurricane
The HellHounds have moved into second place in our division. Playoff hopes are starting to disappear. My starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and LDT, WRs-Nate Burleson, Mike Wallace, Donald Driver, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Kris Brown, DST-San Diego Chargers. Drew, Drew, could you help a sister out? I need you to put up some big points down the stretch. Players of the week were Drew Brees and Ryan Grant each accounting for 15 points. My Hell pups survived the hurricane 92-52.

The Crazy 88’s (5-4) v. devil’s rejects.
The 88’s are tied for last place in our division. SMH… I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Julius Jones and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Reggie Wayne, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. My Player of the Week was Julius Jones with 16 points. The Crazy 88’s exorcised the devil’s rejects 86-78.

Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez (4-5) v. Team Alkies
Ay, Dios Mio…I just don’t know about this team. I see-saw continues. I lined-up with: QB-Jay “I Hate you so much right now” Cutler, RB-LDT, and Cedric Benson, WR-T. J. Houshmandzadeh, Mike Wallace, and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Dan Carpenter, DST-San Diego Chargers. My players of the week were Cutler and Fitzgerald. Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez sent Team Alkies to rehab with a 113-96 victory.
Well, that’s all I’ve got guys. Until next week, kids… As Malcolm Forbes once said, “Victory is sweetest when you've known defeat.” Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Welcome The NFL Midseason: The Reality Show Edition

Welcome back, boys and girls. This season of NFL football has been the best and worst reality show on television. Some of the great shows:
Drew and Darren Take New Orleans: Drew Brees and Darren Sharper take up residence in the Big Easy. They along with their coach Sean Payton dash their way to an undefeated record at the top of the NFC South. They have had amazing guest stars including current and former reality stars Reggie Bush and Tony Gonzalez. Drew the handsome quarterback and Darren the studly safety perplex players weekly on both sides of the ball, while the people of New Orleans devour it like a bowl of Jambalaya.
Play it with Peyton: Peyton Manning, the star of the show, has to cope with a life without his coach Tony Dungy and the turnover in the coaching ranks. No one thought Manning would have a chance with Jim Caldwell and no Bob Sanders (who is now out for the year). Yet, for the fourth time in five years, Peyton and Company have started the year undefeated.
Being Brett Favre: Yes, yes, Lord Favre returned to his Lambeau Field manor to overthrow the “evil” archduke Ted Thompson and his dark knights the Green Bay Packers. Joined by his ever vigilant companions, Sir Adrian and Sir Jared, Lord Favre dispatched with the upstart Sir Aaron of Rodgers and defeated the Packers of Green Bay for the second time this year, proving once again, who truly rules the manor at Lambeau Field.
Honorable Mention: Extreme Makeover: The Denver and Cleveland Editions
But for every “good” reality show (wow, that is an oxymoron), there are a thousand bad ones.
For the Love of God: Oakland Raiders Edition. This use to be one of the proudest (albeit, thuggish) teams in the league. First, the coach (allegedly) breaks the jaw of his assistant coach. Then, two of his former lovers accuse him of abuse. Al Davis is still, well, crazy. They tried to ban Rich Gannon from the facilities before a game. JaMarcus “It wasn’t me” Russell is still horrible. They can’t seem to get anything going out in Oakland. Yes, the area has the proper nickname, “The Black Hole.”
Real Chance of Unemployment, starring Terrell Owens, Roy E. Williams, and Larry Johnson. Roy Williams (who has taken TO’s role in Dallas in all the bad ways),Owens, Johnson are currently trying to sabotage their own careers. T.O. is flailing in Buffalo, while LJ is trying to ride his 2.7 ypc out of Kansas City, and Roy is whining about Miles “#2” Austin is getting all of the correctly thrown balls. Sigh…SMH…These guys flock to trouble like Amy Winehouse to a bottle of Jack Daniels.
The Biggest Loser: This year’s teams include the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (sorry @ShirleyHuangEsq) , St. Louis Rams, Cleveland Browns, Tennesse Titans, Kansas City Chiefs, and the Detroit Lions. The Lions, Rams, Brown, and Chiefs are returning participants while the Titans and Bucs are competing for the first time in a few years. All have lots of dead weight to drop before the start of next season, and they are hoping to win a shiny new draft pick to help pull them back into the winning ranks.
Honorable (LOL) Mention: The Surreal Life, starring the Washington Redskins (Sorry, @DragonflyJonez).
Congratulations to one of my favorites-Shawne Merriman. I told y’all last week that he was close. He was very close getting two sacks on JaMarcus “I performed fine” Russell. Congrats, Lights Out! Now, let’s get a few of those against the Eli and the G-Men this week (sorry, @Sportychic56).
The Merry Mad Men (5-3) v.The Rebels
I, my friends, am breaking out the Macarena, because you guys are not going to believe this, but I went 3-1 again this week in fantasy. I am utterly amazed by my teams performances, with the exception of Team Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez…that team can’t win for losing…
My Merry Mad Men took on The Rebels of the Hell Raisers League. I came to play with the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Ricky Williams (had to bump Larry Johnson for the bye, didn’t know that it might be bye-bye), WR-Donald Driver, Mark Clayton, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.
My MadMen rebounded this week and managed to hang on to #1 in our division. LDT and the Chargers D/ST also made a comeback this week against the Raiders, each pulling in 17 points. I didn’t leave anyone on the bench this week. My Player of the Week is Mr. Reggie Wayne and his 20 point performance against the 49ers. My MadMen slipped past The Rebels 92-87.
Hecate’s HellHounds (3-5) v. the hogs
The HellHounds have moved in the Buffalo Bills neighborhood. I’m so ready to move up to the East Side. My starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and LDT, WRs-Nate Burleson, Devery Henderson, Donald Driver, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. Like with my MadMen, the Chargers and LDT are starting to pull their own weight. My player of the week, just edging out the Chargers and LDT, was Drew Brees with 20 points. My Hell pups stay on the winning track beating the hogs 87-64.
The Crazy 88’s (4-4) v. bigboimike26
The 88’s are like watching a tennis match, back and forth. I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Julius Jones and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Reggie Wayne, Tory Holt, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. My Player of the Week was Donovan McNabb who is so freaking frustrating, up one week, down the next. This week, he brought home 26 points. The Crazy 88’s actually spanked bigboimike26 107-76. We’re back at .500, yo.
Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez (3-5) v. Hotty Toddy Harassers
Ay, Dios Mio…I just don’t know about this team. I continue having an up and down year. I lined-up with: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-LDT, Mike Bell, and Darren Sproles, WR-T. J. Houshmandzadeh and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. My player of the week was LDT who lead the team with 17 points (ESPN only gave the Chargers D/ST 8 points. This is why I don’t like the scoring system.). Jay Cutler against the Browns seemed like a better deal then Mark Sanchez against the Dolphins. It wasn’t. I Left 24 points on the bench with Sanchez. Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez lost to the Hotty Toddy Harassers 71-58. Smugness, officially over…
Well, that’s all I’ve got guys. Until next week, kids… As the great Arthur Ashe once said, “Every time you win, it diminishes the fear a little bit. You never really cancel the fear of losing; you keep challenging it.” Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I Scream with The Grudge of every Chiefs fan who watches The Shining Broncos.

Welcome back, boys and girls. This past week has been Favrepalossa. Thank goodness the Packers and the Vikings play twice a year or we would never be able to see Brett Favre. I mean, I have hardly heard anything about Old man Favre this year. I wasn’t even aware he was still in the league…*rolling eyes.* Clearly, I don’t care. Larry Johnson insulted his coach, his team, the fans, and homosexuals everywhere (did I miss anybody) this week. So he was suspended for conduct detrimental to the team; that could practically apply to any Chiefs player who has taken the field impersonating an NFL player. Thank goodness they are off this week. At least, they can’t lose. People are still giving my boy Shawne Merriman a hard time because he still doesn’t have a sack. He almost had one against the Chiefs, and from what I saw he was moving much better, but folks, he is still not completely healthy. I’m just happy to have him on the field. I still hate the Cowboys, Raiders, and Broncos. Tom Cable is reportedly (according to ESPN) an abuser of women. We know he’s an abuser of men, and like his quarterback, an abuser of the occasional donut. All jokes aside (which is hard to do because the Raiders are a joke), the NFL needs to review these accusations. I don’t really see Crazy Al retaining him after this year, but then again, the only reliable thing about Crazy Al is that he is unreliable. Mark Sanchez tried not to mock the Raiders by eating a hot dog on the sideline. Thank you, Mark. Peyton was Peyton.
There is a lot of horror in the NFL this year. The Chiefs, Bucs, Lions, Rams, Browns, Raiders, and Redskins all suck. They are like watching Wrong Turn on Friday the 13th into A Nightmare on Elm Street. It should be illegal to be this bad. The NFL should take the Shield off their helmets. Two of these teams, the Rams and Lions, will be playing this week…And no one will care.
Last week, I went an impressive 3-1 in the fantasy game. Yes, I was just as shocked as you are. I still don’t know how, but I’m about to do a victory lap…
The Merry Mad Men (4-3) v. maniacs
My Merry Mad Men went up against maniacs of the Hell Raisers League. I took the “field” with the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.
My MadMen slipped again, but this time it was my fault. I left 74 points on the bench. That’s right 74 points on the bench. I started Larry Johnson (that Eric Kuselias) over Ricky Williams. Bad, idea. Started Tony Gonzalez over Vernon Davis. Davis and Williams had 54 points between the two of them. I…I have no words to describe how disappointed I am with my managing. My Players of the Week were on the bench, but of the one’s playing, The San Diego Chargers D/ST tried to stop the bleeding, but the MadMen lost to the Maniacs 99-103.
Hecate’s HellHounds (2-5) v. Kung Pow 2009
The HellHounds have upgraded to the Washington Redskins of their fantasy league. Not much of an upgrade, but it’s something. My starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Mike Bell, WRs-Mike Wallace, Santonio Holmes, Donald Driver, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. This team…sucked…so badly. I just don’t know… Lindell, Holmes and Grant all had 10 points. Gonzalez had 11. My player of the week was for the first time this season the San Diego Chargers D/ST with 26 points. My Hell pups finally pulled out a victory beating Kung Pow 2009 119-93.
The Crazy 88’s (3-4) v. Tbaggers
The 88’s are like watching a tennis match, back and forth. I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Larry Johnson and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Reggie Wayne, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. My Player of the Week was the Chargers D/St with their 26 points against my beloved Chiefs. The Crazy 88’s edged the Tbaggers 95-87. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.
Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez (3-4) v. Lee’s Lil Nazis
Lee’s Lil Nazis (SMH…He was influenced by Inglorious Basterds) is run by our league commissioner, another of my former students. My team underwent a name change last week since the other Gonzalez hasn’t been seen since week one (is he still on the roster?). Lee was playing with Drew Brees. I lined-up: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-LDT, Mike bell and Cedric Benson, WR-Mike Wallace and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. My player of the week was Cedric “I got some new tread” Benson with 24 points. Gonzalez minus un Gonzalez spanked the Lil Nazis 103-62. I’m trying not to be smug…Trying…
Dear Shawne Merriman,
As I said last week, I know that it is tough playing with the injuries you have had over the last few weeks, the groin and Achilles, but this week you play the Raiders. You have 6.5 sacks against the Raiders. You guys are home at the Q, and y’all are playing JaMarcus “It’s not my Fault” Russell. Please unleash that pent up anger upon the Raiders. Release the sack monster upon the Raider offense. I really, don’t care how. Cheat if you must…just don’t get caught (I won’t tell). I also would not mind if you “accidentally” bumped head coach Tom Cable (a la Charlie Weis *wink-wink*). Today, would be a good day to try and tie Derrick’s sack record, okay. Thanks.
Your fan and fantasy team owner, DianaDishes
Well, that’s all I’ve got guys. Until next week kids… As the Great Vince Lombardi said, “It's easy to have faith in yourself and have discipline when you're a winner, when you're number one. What you got to have is faith and discipline when you're not a winner.” Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

Saturday, October 24, 2009

The 2009 Version of the NFL is filled with Paranormal Activity of the 4th Kind

Welcome back, boys and girls. I love the NFL, but this past week has only shown that it is a topsy-turvy league where sometimes up is down and down is up. Don’t believe me, witness the is paranormal activity. The Titans who were 13-3 last year are 0-6, including a 59-0 beat down by the Patriots, followed by a verbal beat down by Sally Reece, the wife of former GM Floyd Reece. The Raiders, the NFL’s most dysfunctional team, managed to beat the Philadelphia Eagles as their head coach managed to avoid charges of hitting his assistant coach and breaking his jaw. The Chiefs beat the Redskins (I’m still shocked by that fact), and Jim Zorn became the figure head head coach to Sherman Lewis who’s last job was…wait for it…meals on wheels and bingo caller at a senior citizen’s home. Really, Washington, really?
The Buffalo Bills and fantasy owners everywhere put out an all-points-bulletin for Terrell Owens’s talent. The San Diego Chargers were beaten by team dressed as Giant Oompa-Loompa’s (That is a hot mess, Denver). Mark Sanchez is about to find out just how fickle the fans of New York are as his talent seems to have been abducted over the last three weeks. The New Orleans Saints, that’s right I said the New Orleans Saints, treated Eli Manning to a homecoming filled with beads and Southern Hospitality before Drew and the boys (seven different scorers) pulled the rug from under him and his G-men. There use to be a saying that “nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina,” use to be. Then there is the Denver Broncos. Denver, as much as it sickens me to say, has turned into one of the better teams in the league and go into their bye week 6-0, joining New Orleans, Indianapolis, and Minnesota as the last undefeated teams in the league. Cincinnati is tied (but currently holds the tie-breaker) with the Super Bowl champion Steelers. Atlanta is seeking its first back to back winning seasons in team history, and Brett Favre came from behind and blah-blah-blah, Minnesota undefeated.
Yet, for all of the oddity in the NFL some things remain the same. Peyton Manning is still awesome. His teammate Bob Sanders is starting his multi-million dollar part-time job this week. Tom Brady is becoming Tom Brady again. Brett Favre, yada-yada-yada. San Diego is starting slow, again, and has fallen 3.5 games behind the Broncos (wiping the bad taste from my mouth). Jacksonville, Baltimore, Arizona, and Seattle are consistently inconsistent. The Rams, Browns, Bucs, Lions and Chiefs are well the Rams, Browns, Bucs, Lions, and Chiefs. Gotta love parity in the NFL!
So what’s up with my teams? Nothing…Nothing is up. I think this will be year that I may pull a Favre when it comes to fantasy football. I can’t catch a break anywhere. Can’t catch a break!!! I ended last week 1-3. Albeit reluctantly, let’s survey the damage.
The Merry Mad Men (4-2) v. steelerdan
My Merry Mad Men went up against steelerdan of the Hell Raisers League. I took the “field” with the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.
My MadMen are now two games above .500, and I still holding on to first place in my division. hopefully they will continue to improve. They are #1 in their division, Yay! Larry Johnson and LDT posted their best numbers of the year (though sadly not double digits). The Chargers didn’t bring their A, B, or C game last week. Nate Keading had more points than the Chargers D/ST who gave up not one but two returns for touchdowns. My wide receivers basically had the same amount of points. I started Mike Wallace to replace Reggie Wayne (thank goodness the bye is over). TG returned with 11 points in the Falcon victory over the bears. My Player of the Week was, once again, Father Time, Kurt Warner with 19 points. The Merry MadMen were able to stumble to the finish line defeating steelerdan 96-85.
Hecate’s HellHounds (1-5) v. Twisted Sister
This team has had the most unbelievable bad luck. I made the mistake of saying that this was the best team I’ve fielded. This team is the Tennessee Titans of my fantasy teams. Oddly with one of the best quarterbacks. My starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Mike Bell, WRs-Mike Wallace, Santonio Holmes, Nate Burleson, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. This team…sucked…so badly. I just don’t know… Lindell, Holmes and Grant all had 10 points. Gonzalez had 11. My player of the week was Drew Brees and his 38 point performance. Unfortunately, the HellHounds had to compete against Tom “I got 51 points by myself” Brady. The Scrappy Doos join my Chiefs at 1-5 as they lose to Twisted Sister 126-106.
The Crazy 88’s (2-4) v. hotshot67
I thought my team was on the up-swing with the return of Donovan McNabb. Wrong! (In Charlie Murphy Voice). I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Larry Johnson and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Torry Holt, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. Well, the Crazy 88’s lived up to their namesakes (see the movie Kill Bill: Volume 1) and were slaughtered. My Player of the Week was Tony Gonzalez who returned with 11 points. The Crazy 88’s were massacred by a bride named hotshot67 by a final score of 132-74. Wasn’t even worth the effort.
Gonzalez y Gonzalez (2-4) v. Team Abuhakmeh
Team Abuhakmeh (that’s his real last name) is owned by one of my former students. He has taken pleasure in mocking me during our last four years of our fantasy football league. Sunday was his birthday. So, I decided to leave him a message via Facebook containing a happy birthday and a little smack talk. Big Mistake. When the games started, I was too busy laughing. Why you ask? Well, Birthday boy was too busy to set his line-up. He was missing a running back, a wide receiver, and a tight end. He was ripe for the picking. WRONG!! WRONG!! His quarterback was Tom Brady. I absolutely hate Tom Brady. I lined-up: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-Darren Sproles and Cedric Benson, WR-T. J. Houshmandzadeh, Mike Wallace and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. This league is a wash. I’m never going to win a Championship in this league. I am the Tony Gonzalez of this league. Jay “Jake Harper” Cutler was my player of the week with 19 pouting points. TG and Larry Fitzgerald had good hands (and looks) as usual. Gonzalez minus un Gonzalez lose to Team Abuhakmeh 97-85. Happy Freaking Birthday, Joe. Try not to be smug about it.
Dear Shawne Merriman,
I know that it is tough playing with the injuries you have had over the last few weeks, but this week you play my Chiefs. You have 6 sacks in 6 career games against the Chiefs. The cure for all sack woes is a trip to Arrowhead against my beloved Chiefs and their Swiss cheese offensive line. Try not to kill Cassel in your anger. He is worth 60 million dollars, not really, but that’s what we are paying him. Finally, out of respect to the great Derrick Thomas, the Chiefs have to come to San Diego. Try not to break Derrick’s sack record until the Chiefs get to Qualcomm, okay. Thanks.
Your fan and fantasy team owner, DianaDishes
P. S. I love the new hair cut.
This week I was asked to be a twitter girlfriend. Rob @AtypicalSports, I accept and will be your Twitter girlfriend. By the way, you guys should give Rob and Ki at The Atypical Sports show some love at http://www.atypicalsportsshow.com/home.html Until next week kiddos… As the Great Vince Lombardi said, “If you can accept losing, you can't win. Have a good fantasy week, y’all…