Saturday, October 24, 2009

The 2009 Version of the NFL is filled with Paranormal Activity of the 4th Kind

Welcome back, boys and girls. I love the NFL, but this past week has only shown that it is a topsy-turvy league where sometimes up is down and down is up. Don’t believe me, witness the is paranormal activity. The Titans who were 13-3 last year are 0-6, including a 59-0 beat down by the Patriots, followed by a verbal beat down by Sally Reece, the wife of former GM Floyd Reece. The Raiders, the NFL’s most dysfunctional team, managed to beat the Philadelphia Eagles as their head coach managed to avoid charges of hitting his assistant coach and breaking his jaw. The Chiefs beat the Redskins (I’m still shocked by that fact), and Jim Zorn became the figure head head coach to Sherman Lewis who’s last job was…wait for it…meals on wheels and bingo caller at a senior citizen’s home. Really, Washington, really?
The Buffalo Bills and fantasy owners everywhere put out an all-points-bulletin for Terrell Owens’s talent. The San Diego Chargers were beaten by team dressed as Giant Oompa-Loompa’s (That is a hot mess, Denver). Mark Sanchez is about to find out just how fickle the fans of New York are as his talent seems to have been abducted over the last three weeks. The New Orleans Saints, that’s right I said the New Orleans Saints, treated Eli Manning to a homecoming filled with beads and Southern Hospitality before Drew and the boys (seven different scorers) pulled the rug from under him and his G-men. There use to be a saying that “nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina,” use to be. Then there is the Denver Broncos. Denver, as much as it sickens me to say, has turned into one of the better teams in the league and go into their bye week 6-0, joining New Orleans, Indianapolis, and Minnesota as the last undefeated teams in the league. Cincinnati is tied (but currently holds the tie-breaker) with the Super Bowl champion Steelers. Atlanta is seeking its first back to back winning seasons in team history, and Brett Favre came from behind and blah-blah-blah, Minnesota undefeated.
Yet, for all of the oddity in the NFL some things remain the same. Peyton Manning is still awesome. His teammate Bob Sanders is starting his multi-million dollar part-time job this week. Tom Brady is becoming Tom Brady again. Brett Favre, yada-yada-yada. San Diego is starting slow, again, and has fallen 3.5 games behind the Broncos (wiping the bad taste from my mouth). Jacksonville, Baltimore, Arizona, and Seattle are consistently inconsistent. The Rams, Browns, Bucs, Lions and Chiefs are well the Rams, Browns, Bucs, Lions, and Chiefs. Gotta love parity in the NFL!
So what’s up with my teams? Nothing…Nothing is up. I think this will be year that I may pull a Favre when it comes to fantasy football. I can’t catch a break anywhere. Can’t catch a break!!! I ended last week 1-3. Albeit reluctantly, let’s survey the damage.
The Merry Mad Men (4-2) v. steelerdan
My Merry Mad Men went up against steelerdan of the Hell Raisers League. I took the “field” with the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.
My MadMen are now two games above .500, and I still holding on to first place in my division. hopefully they will continue to improve. They are #1 in their division, Yay! Larry Johnson and LDT posted their best numbers of the year (though sadly not double digits). The Chargers didn’t bring their A, B, or C game last week. Nate Keading had more points than the Chargers D/ST who gave up not one but two returns for touchdowns. My wide receivers basically had the same amount of points. I started Mike Wallace to replace Reggie Wayne (thank goodness the bye is over). TG returned with 11 points in the Falcon victory over the bears. My Player of the Week was, once again, Father Time, Kurt Warner with 19 points. The Merry MadMen were able to stumble to the finish line defeating steelerdan 96-85.
Hecate’s HellHounds (1-5) v. Twisted Sister
This team has had the most unbelievable bad luck. I made the mistake of saying that this was the best team I’ve fielded. This team is the Tennessee Titans of my fantasy teams. Oddly with one of the best quarterbacks. My starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Mike Bell, WRs-Mike Wallace, Santonio Holmes, Nate Burleson, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. This team…sucked…so badly. I just don’t know… Lindell, Holmes and Grant all had 10 points. Gonzalez had 11. My player of the week was Drew Brees and his 38 point performance. Unfortunately, the HellHounds had to compete against Tom “I got 51 points by myself” Brady. The Scrappy Doos join my Chiefs at 1-5 as they lose to Twisted Sister 126-106.
The Crazy 88’s (2-4) v. hotshot67
I thought my team was on the up-swing with the return of Donovan McNabb. Wrong! (In Charlie Murphy Voice). I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Larry Johnson and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Torry Holt, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. Well, the Crazy 88’s lived up to their namesakes (see the movie Kill Bill: Volume 1) and were slaughtered. My Player of the Week was Tony Gonzalez who returned with 11 points. The Crazy 88’s were massacred by a bride named hotshot67 by a final score of 132-74. Wasn’t even worth the effort.
Gonzalez y Gonzalez (2-4) v. Team Abuhakmeh
Team Abuhakmeh (that’s his real last name) is owned by one of my former students. He has taken pleasure in mocking me during our last four years of our fantasy football league. Sunday was his birthday. So, I decided to leave him a message via Facebook containing a happy birthday and a little smack talk. Big Mistake. When the games started, I was too busy laughing. Why you ask? Well, Birthday boy was too busy to set his line-up. He was missing a running back, a wide receiver, and a tight end. He was ripe for the picking. WRONG!! WRONG!! His quarterback was Tom Brady. I absolutely hate Tom Brady. I lined-up: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-Darren Sproles and Cedric Benson, WR-T. J. Houshmandzadeh, Mike Wallace and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. This league is a wash. I’m never going to win a Championship in this league. I am the Tony Gonzalez of this league. Jay “Jake Harper” Cutler was my player of the week with 19 pouting points. TG and Larry Fitzgerald had good hands (and looks) as usual. Gonzalez minus un Gonzalez lose to Team Abuhakmeh 97-85. Happy Freaking Birthday, Joe. Try not to be smug about it.
Dear Shawne Merriman,
I know that it is tough playing with the injuries you have had over the last few weeks, but this week you play my Chiefs. You have 6 sacks in 6 career games against the Chiefs. The cure for all sack woes is a trip to Arrowhead against my beloved Chiefs and their Swiss cheese offensive line. Try not to kill Cassel in your anger. He is worth 60 million dollars, not really, but that’s what we are paying him. Finally, out of respect to the great Derrick Thomas, the Chiefs have to come to San Diego. Try not to break Derrick’s sack record until the Chiefs get to Qualcomm, okay. Thanks.
Your fan and fantasy team owner, DianaDishes
P. S. I love the new hair cut.
This week I was asked to be a twitter girlfriend. Rob @AtypicalSports, I accept and will be your Twitter girlfriend. By the way, you guys should give Rob and Ki at The Atypical Sports show some love at Until next week kiddos… As the Great Vince Lombardi said, “If you can accept losing, you can't win. Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Falcon was Hiding in the Attic, While my Teams were Hiding in the Basement...

Welcome back boys and girls…I’m a little better the week. Week five of fantasy football did not go as badly as 3 and 4. So, what’s up? First up, JaMarcus Russell a quarterback is an insult to anyone who has ever played the position on any level. Now, I enjoyed watching JaMarcus Russell at LSU, and I admit once he went to the NFL, I stopped cheering because he played for the dreaded, uhm, I mean, dreadful Oakland Raiders. If Al Davis were of sound mind (or body for that matter), he would realize that this is a failed experiment. Alas, Crazy Al is sticking with the JaMarcus Russell train which at this point derailed sometime last year and is dragging the rest of the team with it. The Raiders insulted Antonio Pierce and the New York Giants by impersonating an NFL team during their loss to the G-Men. Peyton Manning proved (with little difficulty) that he is the Anti-JaMarcus Russell. He continued to roll over the competition, while Bob Sanders continued his mastery of earning a year’s pay for half a year’s work. Ray Lewis tried to decapitate Chad Ochocinco (a hit that cost Mr. Lewis $25,000). The Chiefs (disguised as the Dallas Texans of the AFL) lost to the Dallas Cowboys in overtime. (Memo to Tony Romo, Ben Roethlisberger, and Matthew Stafford stop it with the damn backwards caps. Grow up and let it go.) Deep breath, release. The Cleveland Browns and the Buffalo Bills played quite frankly one of the worse games to ever be played in NFL History (6-3, yikes!). Rex Ryan announced that he was embarrassed of his team after a loss to the Miami Dolphins. Tom Brady and the Patriots lost to the Broncos in their mustard and chocolate throw-up, e-rum, throwback uniforms. By the way, I haven’t mentioned in a while that I hate, HATE, the Broncos, Raiders and Cowboys. I feel better now. Lions lost, blah-blah, Redskins lost, blah-blah, and Jacksonville lost. The 49ers were embarrassed (along with a ton of fantasy players) by Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons. Most of my fantasy players spent the weekend on the fantasy bench because of bye weeks. Thank goodness.
I want to take a brief moment to go on the defensive, literally. My #1 fantasy defense is the San Diego Chargers D/ST. I know the Chargers are not performing on the level that most people are use to but really. Every time one of these guys says anything, it is front page fodder, especially Merriman. I know some people were under the delusion that he was going to be knocking heads game one. Dude has not played in a year, overcompensated, and pulled his groin (He looks good; He really, really looks good ;). Phillips arm looks like it was shredded by Wolverine, plus he has a calf and groin injury. Jamal Williams is out for the year. Clinton Hart has been kicked to the curb, and Antonio Cromartie, well is he even playing? But, they have stated that they will not use these excuses. They have to “bring their A game” come Monday night. Please boys, Momma is drowning…Throw me a life line. Destroy the Broncos!!
Back to my Fantasy Football Teams. I was 2-2 last week, an improvement over the last few weeks. Most of my bye weeks are over, which I am hoping will improve my chances of making it to the fantasy playoffs. That said, let’s review the damage.
The Merry Mad Men (3-2) v. NK Stallions
My Merry Mad Men went up against NK Stallions of the Hell Raisers League. I submitted took the “field” with the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-Ricky Williams and Larry Johnson, WR-Mohamed Massaquoi, Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Joe Nedney, DST-San Francisco 49ers.
My MadMen are now above .500, and hopefully they will continue to improve. They are #1 in their division, Yay! I started Ricky Williams, Mohamed Massaquoi, Joe Nedney, and the 49ers D, because my main starters were on the bench. The 49ers were in the 10 ten among defenses, and I felt lucky to get them this late in the game. The week before, they dropped 43 points. This week 4, 4 stinking points. Larry Johnson, SMH…Ricky Williams, however, came through with 13 points and Reggie Wayne with 12. My Player of the Week-Father Time, Kurt Warner with 23 points. The Merry MadMen brought the madness defeating the NK Stallions 71-38.
Hecate’s HellHounds (1-4) v. Beaver Dam Lions
I’ve stated for the last few weeks that on paper The HellHounds are my allegedly my best team. That 1-4 record would beg to differ. Drew Brees, Ryan Grant, Donald Driver, and LDT were all taking a break last week and left me starting these “players?” QB-David Garrard, RBs-Mewelde Moore and Ricky Williams, WRs-Kenny Britt, Santonio Holmes, Nate Burleson, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Francisco 49ers. WTF…This team…sucked…so badly. The Beaver Dam Lions spanked us like Charlie Weis at a Golden Corral Buffett. Nate Burleson, yeah that Nate Burleson, was my player of the week. SMH…They don’t even deserve to be called HellHounds…The Scooby Doos lose to the Beaver Dam Lions 105-57. DMNDS…
The Crazy 88’s (2-3) v. 4th and Goal
I thought my team was on the up-swing with the return of Donovan McNabb. Donovan performed well, but the rest of the team, not so much. I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Larry Johnson and Mewelde Moore, WRs-Jacoby Jones, Torry Holt, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Francisco 49ers. Well, team suspect reared its ugly head again this week. My Player of the Week was Donovan McNabb who returned to drop 31 points. The rest didn’t really bother to show up (Where you at TG?). The Crazy 88’s lost by a quarter to 4th and goal: 100-75.
Gonzalez y Gonzalez (2-3) v. Touch-Down Low
The owner of Touch-Down Low informed me during the draft that he was going quote “kick me like a pit bull puppy.” He came into the game 4-0. I totally expected team Gonzalez y Gonzalez to well lose. I lined-up: QB-Mark Sanchez, RB-Mewelde Moore and Cedric Benson, WR-T. J. Houshmandzadeh, Mike Wallace and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Francisco 49ers. I picked up Mewelde Moore this week because I thought he could get me a few more points than LDT, especially since LDT was on a bye. I would rather have started The Chargers D, zero is better than what the 49ers defense dropped on me (-3 points). Negatives are only good in golf-Yeah, I’m talking to the 49ers. My players of the week is a resurgent Cedric Benson, T. J. Houshmandzadeh, and Larry Fitzgerald who each brought home 19 points. At least, Tony G. looked good. Gonzalez minus Gonzalez beat Touch-Down Low 85-60(How ya like me now, Thomas?). Heh-Heh.
Well, my D/ST Shawne Merriman and the San Diego Chargers return this week bringing LDT, Drew Brees, Donald Driver and Ryan Grant back with them. Wish me luck! Until next week…
In honor of the 3rd anniversary of one of the great coach rants of all time- “The Bears are what we thought they were. Th-they're what we thought they were. We played them in preseason. I mean, who the hell takes the third game of the preseason like it's bullshit? Bullshit! We played them in the third game, everybody played three quarters... the Bears are who we thought they were! That’s why we took the damn field! Now, *hits microphone* if you want to crown them, then crown their ass! But, they are who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook!” Ladies and Gentlemen, Dennis Green. Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Still Chasing Pavements...

Week four of my fantasy season left me feeling like the Green Bay Packers after Monday Night Football. Let’s see, what happened this week. The Lions started a new losing streak, the Bucs, Chiefs, Rams, and Titans continued their no-winning ways, and the freaking Broncos are undefeated. Pittsburgh beat the Chargers, after Ron Rivera ripped the Defense a new one during the game. Yikes…Then A.J. Smith called the team “soft and bewildered.” Uhm, A. J. did you have any friends in school? Were you abused by jocks and coaches alike? To quote Gollum, “Nobody likes you.” So the defensive team captain (he doesn’t wear the “C,” but we know who the defensive leader is.) took offense. And, so what's your point? I love how people sitting in a suite can call someone soft. I’m soft. I cut my finger cleaning the vent in my classroom. I saw blood, and it took 10 minutes, 2 Diet Dr. Peppers, and a couple of Advil before I even thought about finishing the job (which I didn’t, I gave a student service hours to finish it-Don’t Judge Me!). I don’t call anyone playing with groin injuries and standing in front of a 300lb. offensive line man, soft. My Chiefs, my Chiefs…So, Brett Favre put a boot in the…you know the song. Now, Brett Favre, Imma let you finish, but Jared Allen (former Chief) had the best game, a Ric Flair whooooo! for you sir. Wow, Pack, were y’all star struck? (Aaron Rodgers maybe, he perpetually looks like a deer in headlights). Michael Vick has a reality show. Uhm…yeah. T.O. is T.O. Bye weeks are killing me. They are KILLING me. I just don’t know. My teams are the Rex Grossman of fantasy football. They are Dan Orlovsky. They are Kimbo Slice. They are suspect zero. Exasperated sigh…Let’s see the damage.

The Merry Mad Men (2-2) v. Ballbusterzzzz
My Merry Mad Men went up against Ballbusterzzzz of the Hell Raisers League. My MadMen apparently have been spending time in anger management. I really need to light a fire under them. I submitted the following lineup: QB-D. Garrard, RBs-L. Tomlinson and R. Williams, WR-D. Driver, Johnny Knox, and Reggie Wayne, TE-Vernon Davis, K-Nate Kaeding, D/ST-San Diego Chargers.
This was a revised line up due to bye weeks. David Garrard was a last minute pick up. I was surprised he was still available, but I need someone to take Kurt Warner’s place. Garrard didn’t disappoint, delivering 31 pts. I see more starts in Garrard’s future. I started LDT because he was suppose to be better (uh, no.). After a desperate search to find someone to take Larry Johnson’s place (no, he didn’t have a bye. I benched him for poor production [and the Giants were in town]. If McNabb can be benched, so can LJ.), I found Ricky Williams, who really did not perform that badly bringing in 15 pts. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed with the play of the Chargers. Garrard had more points than my Chargers players combined. Garrard was my player of the week. It will be a mad scramble tomorrow to pick up players to take the place of LDT, my Chargers D, and Nate Kaeding. Despite good performances by Garrard and Williams, the Ballbusterzzzz lived up to their namesakes taking out my MadMen 123-95.

Hecate’s HellHounds (1-3) v. DOOMCREW
I made this statement last week. “The HellHounds are my best team. MY BEST TEAM!!!! Peep my lineup, yo: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Devery Henderson, TE-Owen Daniel, K-Nate Kaeding, DST-San Diego Chargers.” Clearly, I was a tad bit cocky. I started Drew Brees, because he has had the best fantasy stats over the last couple years. Can you remember that Drew? Because David Garrard had 4x as many points as you did last week, homey. Did you even see Devery “I-managed-only-2pts.” Henderson? Owen Daniel is a pretty good Tight End for Houston, but honestly, I just started him because T. Gon was in Miami with the family (Cute kid, Tony, but I was distracted by the six pack you were carrying. I do love board shorts J).
The Players of the Week were the Chargers D/ST with 13 pts. Yet, my Hellhounds played like poodle pups losing to the Doomcrew 86-51.

The Crazy 88’s (2-2) v. Norfolk Blues
I started QB-David Garrard, RBs-Larry Johnson and LaDanian Tomlinson, WRs-Donald Driver, Torry Holt, Reggie Wayne, TE-Jeremy Shockey, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. You remember last week that I told you that this team is still a little suspect to me. Donovan was still out with a bye. I dropped Byron Leftwich who will not be further mentioned. Started David Garrard for this team as well (I really didn’t think he would perform that well). Jeremy Shockey was my Tony Gonzalez back up (I don’t intend to drop him. I won’t give him the satisfaction of helping another team). The other guus were my regulars. My player of the Week was David Garrard. Reggie Wayne and The Chargers both had 13 points. The Crazy 88s were my only winning team last week beating Norfolk Blues 78-67.

Gonzalez y Gonzalez (1-3) v. Team the Doctor is In
Gonzalez y Gonzalez should be called team disability. This week I played Team the Doctor is In. I like David, but his teams are almost as bad as mine. He drafted Eli Manning in the 2nd round. Well, he got the last laugh this week. I lined-up: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-LaDanian Tomlinson, LenDale White, and Cedric Benson, WR-Justin Gage and T. J. Houshmandzadeh, TE-Jeremy Stevens, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. I am shaking my head at this team. Great players, but my fantasy is a nightmare. Benson, Tomlinson, and White combined for a total of 9 points. LenDale is killing me. Maybe, he should get back on the Tequila. Justin Gage and T. J. Houshmandzadeh were nowhere near the ball. Crybaby Cutler was my Player of the week with 19 points. Team the Doctor is In put Gonzalez y Gonzalez to sleep 77-46.
This week is going to be a trial. One of my teams will be without a kicker. Half of my team has a bye this week. I have to try to find more players to replace them. I’ll let you know how that works out. I don’t see anything good coming from this week except that it gives my Chargers players more time to heal up for the Monday Night Football game against Denver.
Until next week…
Just remember “The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer.” --John Madden. Well said, Coach Madden. Have a good Fantasy Week, Y’all!

Friday, October 9, 2009

We interrupt this regularly scheduled entry to bring you the following…

What’s up, gang? Well, normally, I give you the ends and outs of how lame my fantasy teams are, but as the title says, I want to digress from my normal to write a fan letter. Yeah, I know what you are thinking, but it’s my blog, and I’ll fawn if I want to…

For those of you in the know, I am a Chiefs/49ers fan. I have divided loyalty, if you must blame someone blame Joe Montana. Anyway, I grew up a Niners fan, but the first time I saw Derrick Thomas play, I became a Chiefs fan. Fast forward to 2000, Joe Montana had long retired, and Derrick Thomas past away. I was so heartbroken that I stopped watching football, until I passed tv one day and saw Tony Gonzalez make a catch, and I was hooked again.

I say that to get to my entry tonight. In 2005, I saw this dude named Shawne Merriman for the first time. I had no idea who he was, because (a) he played for the Chargers, and (b) he was ending Priest Holmes career at the time. (We didn’t know that for sure, of course.) Immediately, I hated him. I hated him with a passion. I wanted Tony Gonzalez to smash him in the mouth and do Merriman’s “Lights out” dance over him. The following year, yeah, I still hated him. It was after a Chiefs game that he received his steroids suspension. I, along with Chiefs nation, celebrated. I wanted him to appeal so he would be suspended during the next Chiefs/Chargers meetings (just to give my quarterbacks a break-Dude has six sacks against my Chiefs. He has sacked every Chiefs quarterback, except Cassell [yet] since 2005.).

Fast Forward again. Tony Gonzalez is doing a Kenny Mayne segment on ESPN Sunday Morning Countdown. I’m waiting patiently for the Gonzalez segment, when I become exasperated that they are doing a Merriman segment first. I threw my hands in the air and immediately began my Herm Edwards “Ah, here we go…” reenactment. I sat down pouting, waiting impatiently for the segment to begin, so it could quickly end. Then, I heard Shawne Merriman’s story, where he came from, how difficult life had been for him, and how he had made it to the NFL. Now, I often pretend to be the hard-nosed, kick you in the butt high school teacher, but by the end of the segment, I was crying…seriously. I normally only cry when I am angry-a sure fire sign that something bad is going to happen. They kept putting the camera right into his big brown eyes, and well I, okay damnit, I was bawling. (Okay, I cried during The Color Purple, too, but I dare you not to when you see Miss Celie’s face when her son said, “Momma”-I dare you, then you judge me.)

That segment didn’t make me a Merriman fan. It was his play. Before then, I would not watch him, mostly cause I wanted the Chiefs offensive line to destroy him. But, I started watching Charger games. I liked Marty Schottenheimer, sue me. I would watch Merriman sacrifice his body every week, trying to prove his critics wrong. So, he was outspoken. So, what? He reminded me of a young Derrick Thomas, just wanting to tear a quarterback apart. I would be shocked watching him run down running backs. I would cringe when he was nailing Tom Brady, drilling Peyton Manning, and destroying all 100 quarterbacks who have taken a snap as a Chief in the past few years. (I even loved the NFL Network Commercial he did with Phillip Rivers, Antonio Gates, and Lorenzo Neal.)

I was watching that game in 2007, when the Tennessee Titans delivered a cheap shot to his knee after they mistakenly believed that Merriman had delivered a cheap shot on quarterback Vince Young. Upon further review, Vince Young actually ran into Merriman (no offense, Vince, but that was funny as all get out. I just kept rewinding and rewinding...) Uh-uhm, long story short, he injured his knee. Most though just a sprain, after all he played in the playoffs on it, and then the Pro Bowl. We later found out that he probably should have gotten an operation shortly after the end of the season. We found out he had two damaged ligaments in his knee. After the advice of many, he shut it down after one game in 2008. Now, look I have torn cartilage in my knee. I should have surgery. My doctor keeps reminding me. Look, a paper cut takes me out of the game. Until my knee falls off, I’m not getting an operation. That’s my prerogative. It was Merriman’s, too. It was his knee, not yours, not mine.

So, now he’s back. I’ve heard about his workouts. I have Twitter, duh, I’m a fan… “Hello!” He only has 3 tackles, uh-huh, I’ve read the papers. (Those of you obsessed with numbers, go check out the numbers of Julius Peppers, James Harrison, and DeMarcus Ware, I'll wait...) People are ready to write him off after only 4 games. Okay…I’m not one of those people. So, he’s a spokesperson (uhm, so is Peyton Manning), and so he is a little Hollywood (yeah, you have seen Tom Brady & Romo& Reggie in the tabs, right). So, what’s your point? Don’t give me that Labor Day brouhaha, with you know who. Yeah, I don’t care. I have been around football players my whole life. It usually takes a while to get your sea legs back. It just does. He can’t stay in the pocket like Brady, McNabb, and Palmer (the quarterbacks many are comparing him, too). I’m not jumping off the Merriman bandwagon. San Diego should be happy they have him. Even with his bad knee, he’s better than many of the “healthy” linebackers (and I use that term loosely) on the Chiefs. If you “fans” in San Diego don’t want him, I would love to have him on either of my teams (Merriman and Patrick Willis, awe-some). There are only two players that I look forward to watching play every week-Tony Gonzalez and Shawne Merriman, and nothing the nay sayers have to whine about either is going to change that. So, Good Luck, Shawne with the rest of your season. Your real fans have got your back. I wish you much health and many sacks. I want to end this letter with one of my favorite Dr. Seuss quotes, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

Now, back to my regularly scheduled whine about my teams…

Saturday, October 3, 2009

My Teams Need a Dick Butkus Pep Talk

Week three of the fantasy year swept by and beat me like the Lions beat the Redskins. Nope, that’s not a typo, the Detroit Lions finally won a game, leaving in their wake the Cleveland Browns, The St. Louis Rams, and The Kansas City Chiefs to see who will tie them for the longest losing streak. Yikes, the Chiefs have lost seven games in a row, and they are hosting the New York Giants this weekend. I’d like to give a shout out to my homies at the Fox network for allowing me to see my team led away like lambs to the slaughter this week by the G-Men. Much props! JaMarcus Russell (who ownes an NFL-worst 39.8 pass rating) was declared the Ryan Leaf of the new Millennium, Brady Quinn was benched for Derek Anderson who quickly proved that he too sucked, and the freaking Denver Broncos (WTF?) are undefeated. Peyton Manning is still Peyton Manning (Arizona, Did y’all forget?), and the Cowboys finally won at the 9th wonder of the modern world. There were a couple reports about Brett Favre playing against his former team the Green Bay Packers. ESPN provided so little info, that I barely realized that it was Monday Night Football. I know Ole #4 insists that he did not return to the game because he wants revenge, but I can’t help but thinking that Brett wishes that he can beat them like he did San Francisco last week, and then go all Toby Keith flipping the bird with both hands to Ted Thompson yelling “I’m Brett Favre, B*tch!” Just me? Sorry… Then, my fantasy D/ST the San Diego Chargers had an outbreak of groin injuries. Five players including my favorite Shawne Merriman have reported groin injuries this week… I know there is a joke here that involves Patron or maybe La Familia, but I’m not going there…
Back to my Fantasy Football Teams. I was 0-4 last week, and I don’t see it getting better over the next couple of weeks. Half my team has a bye week next week (obviously, I’m an idiot). Merriman played maybe three snaps last week, while one of my quarterbacks was benched for a second year player (yeah, I’m talking about you Byron Leftwich, you Gary Coleman looking, -2 point playing, m-, Oh, I’m sorry). LDT may finally get to see the field, but just my luck he’ll be back on the bench before the end of the second quarter (BTW, I saw his Live United commercial. Nice guy, but I couldn’t imagine staying awake during an interview with him). Tony G. is on a bye this week, so I have to find some schmuck to take his place this week (BTW, where the heck were you T. Gon last week against the Pats? 1 point? You are Tony Gonzalez. You don’t get off the bus for less than 5 points, comprende a mi amigo?). That said, let’s examine the carnage.
The Merry Mad Men (2-1) v. BenGal
My Merry Mad Men went up against BenGal of the Hell Raisers League. I submitted the following lineup: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-Michael Bennett and Larry Johnson, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Kaeding, DST-San Diego Chargers.
My MadMen were neither Merry nor Mad. I had five players on this team with just one point each. 5 with 1 point each. SMH…I just…I don’t…My Player of the Week was Reggie Wayne with 18 points. My Chargers D/ST rebounded with 17 points, and Kurt Warner had 15, but they could not make up for those busters with their one point performances. The MadMen went down for the count 81-101.
Hecate’s HellHounds (1-2) v. crazyeights
The HellHounds are my best team. MY BEST TEAM!!!! Peep my lineup, yo: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Michael Bennett, WRs-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Devery Henderson, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Kaeding, DST-San Diego Chargers. How could I lose, right? Well, they found a way. There is this little short dude in Jacksonville who dropped 31 points on my team. He dropped us like he did Shawne Merriman two years ago (Sorry, Shawne, man…I still love you though. I know you didn’t see him.). Yeah, I hate Maurice Jones-Drew. He now ranks right up there with the Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Oakland Raiders, and Chittlins. My player of the week-The Chargers D/ST and their strained groins with 17 points. The rest don’t even deserve to be mentioned. They are getting the Voldemort treatment. The crazyeights neutered the HellHounds 91-64.
The Crazy 88’s (1-2) v. Black Sheep
I started QB-Byron Leftwich, RBs-Larry Johnson and Michael Bennett, WRs-Donald Driver, Torry Holt, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. You remember last week that I told you that this team is still a little suspect to me. Wouldn’t you know it? They went out and proved me absolutely right. I want to take a minute to calmly state that I think Byron Leftwich is whack. That’s right, Byron, whack. I defended you, brother, defended you, when they drummed you out of Jacksonville. Rooted for you when they brought you to Tampa. Then you go and dropped a -2 points on me last week. A -2 freaking points! Even Gonzo managed 1 point! My player of the week was Reggie Wayne and the San Diego Chargers D/ST. Thanks for showing up boys. The Crazy 88’s hit some sour notes as the Black Sheep banged out a symphony winning 81-62.
Gonzalez y Gonzalez (1-2) v. Lights Out (Literally)
Gonzalez y Gonzalez chupan como un equipo. That is Spanish for they suck… And Jacob, whose team’s initials spell out (TILA), mocked me with Shawne Merriman’s quarterback Phillip Rivers. I lined-up: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-Michael Bennett, Darren Sproles, and Cedric Benson, WR-Justin Gage and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. I’m giving this team the side eye and a mouth twist. My player of the week was Crybaby Cutler with 19 points. Team Groin and Cedric Benson tied with 13 points each (damn you ESPN and your scoring system!!!!) Lights Out (Literally) choked and held team Gonzalez y Gonzalez against our will when we tried to leave. The final score LOL (ironic isn’t it) 79-G and G 63. Sigh…
Well, Tony G., Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald are all on vacation this week. I’ve gotta go find some losers to take their place. Until next week…
Just remember- “Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.” Frank Gifford. Have a good Fantasy Week, Y’all.