Sunday, September 27, 2009

George O’Malley was hit by a bus…so apparently were my teams…

Week two of the fantasy year has come and gone, and I managed to escape it with a 2-2 record. Hey, that’s what happens when you go into the game all cocky and arrogant. The fantasy gods and goddesses kick you in the tuckus. The injury bug has hit my team with a vengeance. It was as if they all passed out at once and visualized December 30, 2009 with me in the fantasy basement. Don’t believe me: LT is still out with that ankle injury, Donovan McNabb cracked rib, Jamal Williams IR (torn triceps), Shawne Merriman groin, Shaun Phillips groin, Jerrious Norwood head injury, Tony Gonzalez back, Anthony Gonzalez knee, Mike Bell knee, the entire Kansas City Chiefs line up….Yes, these are my players…
I want to take a moment to defend one of my players and another team’s players. It’s not something I do very often. Maybe I should but that neither here nor there. Golden boy Tom Brady and (apparent villain?) Shawne Merriman both left the field week one of last year to have surgery on their knees. Merriman’s injury apparently took place during the Tumble in Tennessee in 2007 when two of the Titans players delivered a cheap shot on Merriman after Vince Young literally ran into Merriman. No, he actually ran into Merriman who was standing still at the time. Whatever that may be, the media are already piling on these guys. Look, I have had arthritis in both knees since I was 24, I probably should have surgery, but let’s face it, if I get a paper cut, I’m on IR. Cut these guys some slack. Although I would love it, I don’t expect Merriman to go out there and be the old “Lights Out” today, nor should you. It takes almost two years to get back to 100%. I have been around football players my whole life, and I’ve seen the injuries. Most of us would be calling an ambulance for many of the injuries they play with every week. Brady, as much as it pains me, deserves the same. Did you guys think he was going to come back and repeat the 2007 season? I didn’t. I picked them to win the AFC East, and I still do. But, cut him so slack, he is coming off knee surgery, and his glamazon wife is pregnant. Between her demands in multiple languages and Bill Belichick’s scowl, I surprise this guy is sane. Leave Tom and Shawne alone! They will get better! Now to my week in fantasy…
The Merry Mad Men (2-0) v. New Jersey Girl
My Merry Mad Men went up against New Jersey Girl of the Hell Raisers League. I submitted the following lineup: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-Michael Bennett and Larry Johnson, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Kaeding, DST-San Diego Chargers.
My Mad Men were out of the gate running with my Player of the Week Kurt Warner dropping 21 points. Tony Gonzalez was solid with 13 and Donald Driver had 15. Apparently, Reggie Wayne disappeared and took Michael Bennett with him as they combined for 4 points. Nate Keading had more points than my entire Chargers D. I have since picked up the 49ers. I’m not about to panic, but I’m getting close. That said The Merry Mad Men defeated New Jersey Girl, 89-58. (She really should read an injury report before posting. I’m just saying.)
Hecate’s HellHounds (1-1) v. Satan’s Children
The HellHounds are my best team. My lineup last week: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Mike Bell, WRs-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Devery Henderson, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Kaeding, DST-San Diego Chargers. How could I lose, right? The other team had Carson Plamer, Andre Johnson, and Marques Colston who posted over 20 points. Even so, I was still winning when game play resumed Monday night… Enter Adam Vinatieri who stabbed me in the heart with his 9 point performance. HellHounds went down like Fraiser, 112-119. I got beat by a kicker. Somewhere, Rod Woodson is shaking his head at me. I’m sorry. Oh, yeah, Drew Brees was my player of the week. Whatever.
The Crazy 88’s (1-1) v. Green Machine
I started QB-Byron Leftwich, RBs-Larry Johnson and Michael Bennett, WRs-Donald Driver, Torry Holt, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. This team is still a little suspect to me. Why you ask? My player of the week, Byron Leftwich. That’s right, that Byron Leftwich! Yep, this team=suspicious…Yet, team scraps fell apart like Mississippi State at the one yard line…losing to the Green Machine, 84-90.
Gonzalez y Gonzalez (1-1) v. Kiss the Baby
This is my home league team, and the Crazy 88’s is very suspect. I lined-up: QB-Mark Sanchez, RB-Michael Bennett, Darren Sproles, and Cedric Benson, WR-Justin Gage and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. Everybody knows by now that I still hate how ESPN. LT is still out, and Cutler pulled a McNabb after I benched him. My player of the week-Itty Bitty, Darren Sproles. Gonzalez y Gonzalez said “Child, please” to Kiss the Baby winning 84-62.
I hope at some point Norv realizes that Michael Bennett is a running back for the San Diego Chargers, and one of the Chargers can find some of their swagger. (I have the 49ers in case, but I don’t want to use them, yet.) That’s it for the week that was. Wish me luck guys…
Just remember-"You don't know. You just don't know. You may think you know, but you don't know. And you never will." –Coach Jim Mora, who apparently was talking to me. Good Fantasy week, y’all!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Kanye West interrupts to tell me that Beyonce has a better Fantasy Team Than Mine.

Week one of my fantasy football year has come and gone. Since I last blogged, the San Diego DA decided not to press charges against Shawne Merriman (thanks Ms. DA). It needs to be said that you shouldn’t trust anybody whose last name is on the label of an Alcoholic Beverage (See Captain Morgan). The Kansas City Chiefs lost. Ole #4 threw the New York Jets and Eric Mangini (who I bet regrets every day that he named his kid after Mr. Hattiesburg) under the bus, a trip that cost them $100,000 and Mangini $25,000. The Chiefs lost. Drew Brew put on a quarterback clinic against the Detroit Lions, who still suck. The Chiefs lost. Tom Brady and Phillip Rivers both pulled out last minute victories against teams they should have beaten before the fourth quarter. LaDanian Tomlinson got hurt. Tom Brady was heroically praised; Phillip Rivers was criticized then fined $7,500 for taunting, embarrassing and otherwise humiliating Oakland Raider DT Gerard Warren (can you imagine the verbal beating this guy had to take in the locker room…one minute while I enjoy this image). The Chiefs lost. T.O. only kinda, sorta threw Trent Edwards under the bus…not really, but Trent, the bus is trailing you. Speaking of T.O., Jeff Garcia returned to Philly, Donovan McNabb got hurt (What? Donovan? Why he never gets hurt.), and Mr. Kendra Wilkinson was cut by the Eagles and picked up by the Indianapolis Colts. The Chiefs’ 63 million dollar man held a clipboard and watched while Broken Croyle and Tormented Thigpen showed up but couldn’t finish against the Ravens. Now to my fantasy leagues…

The Merry Mad Men v. The Last Cowboy
My Merry Mad Men went up against The Last Cowboy of the Hell Raisers League. I submitted the following lineup: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDanian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Kaeding, DST-San Diego Chargers. My Mad Men were out of the gate running with Santonio Holmes earning 19 points against the Tennesse Titans, but my player of the week was Reggie Wayne who racked up 22 points. Honorable mention goes to Tony Gonzalez and Kurt Warner who rounded out my top point getters. The Chargers D was okay. They managed to get two interceptions and a sack…against the Raiders. One measly sack against the Raiders-a team they have punished 12 games in a row. SMH…I’m giving them a pass this time, but this week they are playing the Ravens. LaDanian Tomlinson is already hurt…ALREADY HURT. He managed 9 points which is more than Larry Johnson’s 2. If it weren’t for the two points, I wouldn’t have known he was on the field. That said The Merry Mad Men defeated the Last Cowboy, 98-72. Not bad.

Hecate’s HellHounds v. Tim’s Grim Reapers 2
I think the HellHounds are going to be my finest team. My lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and LaDanian Tomlinson, WRs-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Torry Holt, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Kaeding, DST-San Diego Chargers. My HellHound player of the week is without compare, Mr. Drew Brees who rained touchdowns upon the lowly Detroit Lions. He racked up an amazing 48 points. I have played fantasy football for three years, and I have never had a player amass that many points. LaDanian got hurt…Ryan Grant and Tony Gonzalez played really well gaining 12 and 13 points respectively. Outside of Santonio Holmes, my other wide receivers were barely there. My Hell Hounds scored the most points in the league this week beating Tim’s Grim Reapers 2, 125-82. Yay! Sorry, I went all girly.

The Crazy 88’s v. JawBreaker
I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Larry Johnson and LaDanian Tomlinson, WRs-Donald Driver, Torry Holt, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. This team is starting to look a little suspect to me. Donovan McNabb grabs player of the week honors, but he broke his rib. Larry didn’t show up, LaDanian got hurt, and Rob Bironas kicked like he wanted the Steelers to win. Yep, this team=suspicious…They pulled out a win against Jawbreaker, 89-68.

Gonzalez y Gonzalez v. the Big Fat Ugly Dudes
This is my home league team, and like years before, I can’t win. This team like the Crazy 88’s is suspect. I lined-up: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-LaDanian Tomlinson, Darren Sproles, WR-Anthony Gonzalez, Larry Fitzgerald, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. Everybody knows by now that I hate how ESPN Scores (lost 3 points on Chargers and who knows how many on Sproles). The second Gonzalez of the name went down with a knee injury (out 3-6 weeks), did I mention LT’s ankle, and Jay Cutler forgot that his teammates do not wear Green and Gold. Mr. T. J. Championship gave me 4 points. Gonzalez y Gonzalez was spanked 73-99 by the Big Fat Ugly Dudes.

So, I finished this week 3-1. I lost a quarterback, a running back, and a wide receiver. I picked up Michael Bennett, a running back for the San Diego Chargers. He performed well during the preseason (but that was preseason). I hope he repeats that performance during LT’s absence. I picked up Justin Gage at wide receiver to replace Anthony Gonzalez, Byron Leftwich for Donovan, and Mark Sanchez for Crybaby Cutler. That’s it for the week that was. Wish me luck guys…Just remember-“Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it.” - Heywood Hale Broun. Good Fantasy week, y’all!

Monday, September 7, 2009

Hola, Gonzalez y Gonzalez: Bienvenido a Futbol de NFL 2009

"I amar prestar aen…The world is changed. Han mathon ne nen…I feel it in the water. Han mathon ne chae…I feel it in the Earth. A han noston ned gwilith…I smell it in the air." The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings

Do you know what that is? It is football!!! We are now three days away from the kickoff of the 2009 season!!!!! Is it me or does the off-season seem longer? Well, y'all know I'm a fan of Shawne Merriman's; as such, I am reserving judgment until after all the facts have come forward (although you know who I'm rooting for). Any who...I had my last draft of the season last night...The absolute last, I mean it...I have four teams now...I think that is more than enough.

I don't remember my draft order, because I was hanging with my boys last night (I had to use the draft recap). I know all but two guys in this league personally, but I like them, too, because they are so funny. Most of the guys are my former students (shout out to the Class of 2007!). They, however, have been schooling me in fantasy football for the last three years. Last year, I finished 9 out of 20 and 12 out of 12 against them. We had a such great time bashing each other about our choices, that auto pick got me four times last night (I wasn't the only one), but here is my final line up for my ESPN Team Gonzalez y Gonzalez (you'll see why shortly):

1st round: San Diego Chargers Running Back-LaDanian Tomlinson
2nd round: Arizona Cardinals Wide Receiver-Larry Fitzgerald (Got the best WR in the league, Hecks yeah!)
3rd round: Seattle Seahawks Wide Receiver-T. J. Houshmandzadeh (championship! LOL)
4th round: Atlanta Falcons Tight End-Tony Gonzalez (y'all knew that was coming)
5th round: Chicago Bears Quarterback-Jay Cutler (Yea, I know...Normally, wouldn't have drafted crybaby Cutler, whatever...)
6th round: Tennessee Titans Running back-LenDale White (I hope for my sake that his weight loss plan holds out this season.)
7th round: San Diego Chargers Running Back-Darren Sproles (I wasn't thinking...clearly toward the end of this...)
8th round: San Diego Chargers Defense (Don't judge me!!! I'm weak!!! I'm hoping he channels that anger into beating quarterbacks all over the league [Shawne, sack, but please don't kill, maim, or otherwise damage the already fragile group that is the Kansas City Chiefs quarterbacks corps....That said, you have carte blanche to mangle the rest of the league])
9th round: Indianapolis Colts Wide Receiver-Anthony Gonzalez (He will be Peyton's 3rd choice behind Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark)
10th round: Cincinnati Bengals Running Back-Cedric Benson (yea, I didn't really pick him [I hate Autopick!])
11th round: Cincinnati Bengals Wide Receiver-Lavernaus Coles (I wasn't even aware he was with the Bengals [Autopick])
12th round: Tampa Bay Buccaneers Running Back-Earnest Graham (autopick)
13th round: New York Jets Quarterback-Mark Sanchez (I need someone to back up crybaby.)
14th round: Green Bay Packers Defense (Gonna have to find a new back up d...Forgot that they are off the same week as the Chargers.)
15th round: Tennessee Titans Wide Receiver-Justin Gage (autopick)
16th round: Dallas Cowboys Kicker-Nick Folk (This, too was an autopick, who I immediately dropped because of my strict no Dallas Cowboy policy...don't laugh I have only had one Cowboy on any of my football teams in the last three years...Not anymore...)

Well, this team is not great. Currently, I'm trying to claim a kicker off waivers. I don't really care about the kicker. I'll probably use a different one every other week. Well, I'm going to take a moment to make my picks for the season...I don't give records, because that involves math, and I'm an English major. I know for a fact that the numbers wouldn't add up. I remind you that I have no inside information, because that would require effort, and well, I'm a bit lazy, too. Don't bet on my picks, because I am notoriously inaccurate. We can all look back in February and laugh at my ignorance.

AFC East: 1-New England Patriots, 2-Miami Dolphins, 3-New York Jets, 4-Buffalo Bills
AFC South: 1-Indianapolis Colts, 2-Jacksonville Jaguars, 3-Tennessee Titans, 4-Houston Texans
AFC North: 1-Pittsburgh Steelers, 2-Baltimore Ravens, 3-Cincinnati Bengals, 4-Cleveland Browns
AFC West: 1-San Diego Chargers, 2-Kansas City Chiefs, 3-Denver Broncos, 4-Oakland Raiders
(This is wishful thinking on my part-honestly the Chiefs, Broncos, and Raiders are interchangeable. It wouldn't surprise me if they were all tied at the end of the year. Let's face it, none of them will even sniff the playoff unless they buy tickets.)

Wildcards: Baltimore, Jacksonville
AFC Championship Game: San Diego v. New England
AFC Champs-San Diego (I got a feeling)

NFC East: 1-New York Giants, 2-Philadelphia Eagles, 3-Dallas Cowboys, 4-Washington Redskins
NFC South: 1-New Orleans Saints, 2-Atlanta Falcons, 3-Carolina Panthers , 4-Tampa Bay Buccaneers
NFC North: 1-Minnesota Vikings, 2-Green Bay Packers, 3-Chicago Bears, 4-Detroit Lions
NFC West: 1-Arizona Cardinals, 2-Seattle Seahawks, 3-San Francisco 49ers, 4-St. Louis Rams
(I really think that any team can make it out of the NFC; it's always a crap shoot. The south is anybody's game actually.)

Wildcards: Philadelphia Eagles, Atlanta Falcons
NFC Championship Game: New York v. Minnesota
NFC Champs-New York Giants

Super Bowl XLIV-New York Giants v. San Diego Chargers (To settle once and for all who got the better deal out of the Manning trade.) DRUM ROLL, PLEASE...................

Super Bowl Champions-San Diego Chargers

That's right...Representing the AFC West (the saddest division in the league), I think that if the Chargers are going to win a Super Bowl it has to be while they still have this core of players intact. Well, that it ladies and gents...Before I sign off let me remind you in the words of the Doug Plank: “Most football teams are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental.”

Now, let there be Football!!!!!!!!!!

Go, Chiefs!!!!!!!