Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Date Woo Girls-Picks from a Maniac Maenad Week 12

Welcome dinner has been served, the sales have been shopped, and we are officially at the start of the Christmas season, which means sadly the NFL season is winding down. Teams are beginning to look at what they can salvage of their season or who they can pick up during the draft. Thanksgiving started off with a spark in the early game between the Patriots and the Lions, but Tom Brady quickly doused the Lions hopes putting a 45-24 smackdown on the Lions. That was the appetizer, for dinner, the NFL offered up the New Orleans Saints and the Dallas Cowboys. The Saints were initially smacking around the Cowboys, until the Cowboys had a lift in spirit in the 3rd quarter. Alas, however, it was not meant to be of Jerry and his boys. After a Roy Williams turnover, Drew Brees remembered, "Hey, I'm Drew Brees." Thus, concludes the season for the Cowboys falling at the hands of the Saints 30-27. The dessert that most of us were too stuff to enjoy found the bumbling Bengals taking on the New York Jets. Earlier in the week, Bengals WR Terrell Owens called Darrelle Revis an "average" cornerback. Then, TO proceeded to be stranded on Revis Island as the Jets spanked the Bengals 26-10. Surprisingly, I went 3 for 3 on Thanksgiving...Not really, we all expected the winners to win.

In other news, earlier today one of my favorites Shawne Merriman's career as a Buffalo Bill came to an end without his ever playing one single down. Was I surprised? No, not really, but I'm a little saddened. I really wanted to see him make the most of this opportunity. So, Shawne take the next few weeks and evaluate things. If a good team offers you the minimum next year, take it. Participate in all of the off season programs without question. Limit your time in Hollywood, limit your time in front of the camera, and get yourself healed. Hopefully, you can get a full year next season, if we have football next season. BTW, go to Dr. Andrews...I'm just saying...Good luck!!!!

Speaking of Shawne, his former team the Chargers are taking on Peyton and the Colts this Sunday night. Have developed quite a rivalry over the last few years. As you know, this game use to mean a lot to me. Now, not so much. I'll still be watching because the games are always exciting, but mostly because I need Philip Rivers and the Charger D to perform well, and for Peyton to actually get the ball to Garcon this week.

Little Hoodie, Josh McDaniels took his hero worship of Bill Belichick to a whole new level today. It wasn't enough to take on Belichick's wardrobe, oh no...He has to follow Bill to spygate land. Really, Joshie? Now, I don't feel so bad that Todd Haley was rude to you after your win over the Chiefs. Denver was caught videotaping the 49ers practices. The 49ers...really...the 49ers? Not, the Pats, not the Colts, the 49ers...are you looking for tips on how to lose? And you used the same dude, who was caught with Belichick. Bravo, little Hoodie, Bravo. Mr. Goddell would like your $50,000 check now.

Then, there are the Will Smiths...no, not the Hollywood Will Smiths who whipped Willow and her hair into our lives...

No, no, I'm talking the Will Smiths of New Orleans Saints fame who posed happily and wished every one a Happy Thanksgiving during the game on Thursday. Well, early this morning, they had a rather heated arguement outside of Lafayette night club, and Will Smith apparently dragged his wife Racquel Joseph Smith by her hair down the street. Uhm, Will...you are 6'3" and weight 282 pounds, and you felt the need to drag your wife down the street? Dude, really? You go full Fred Flinstone on your wife? C'mon, man...You are both over 25, you are married, and you have 2 kids, why in the name of all things sane are you still clubbing? At 2 am? Both of you need to take a long look in the mirror...and by the way...grow up...

Now, I don't really know Will Smith's wife, nor do I want to...I do hope she is okay. Gentleman, there has been an influx of woo girl relationships in the NFL. You know the girls. They wear too much makeup, they are too loud, they drink too much, they wear their clothes too tight (or very little), they dance too closely to both men and women, and of course they "woo." These party girls are not going to be content to be a Mrs. They want the money and the name, but a quiet home life, not so much (see Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett). As a matter of fact, your money just increases their ability to woo at better clubs and parties. There are the professional woo girls, the Kardashians, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Kendra, Tila Tequila, and then, there are the around the way woo girls, the ghetto fabulous clique, and the "sorority" woo girls, your typical girls gone wild girl. If you want a good time, hang out with the woo girls, if you want a wife...avoid at all costs. I'm just saying...and saving you a trip to a lawyer's office or bail bondsman.

Well, the fantasy teams were 2 for 5 last week. All but one are pretty much done tom turkeys.

• Hecates's HellHounds of the League of Champions league: 7-4 (Finally, back on the winning side.)
  
• Kansas City Chiefs of the Dynasty Orginization League: 5-6 (three game win streak over)
  
• Runtelldat Homeboys of the Big Easy League: 2-9 (Miss Franklin, we were wondering if you are feeling well enough to sing a dirge for the Runtelldat Homeboys.)
  
• The Cromartie Eight of the Football Fist Pump League: 5-6 (Back below the median)
  
• Matching Mugshots of the Atypical Sports Show League: 3-8 (See Runtelldat Homeboys, win changes nothing.)

Last week, I had one of my best pick weeks going 10-5 bringing my record to 82-60.

Tennessee Titans @ Houston Texans: Houston

Carolina Panthers @ Cleveland Browns: Cleveland

Green Bay Packers @ Atlanta Falcons: Atlanta

Jacksonville Jaguars @ New York Giants: New York Giants

Minnesota Vikings @ Washington Redskins: Washington

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Buffalo Bills: Pittsburgh

Kansas City Chiefs @ Seattle Seahawks: Kansas City

Philadelphia Eagles @ Chicago Bears: Philadelphia

Miami Dolphins @ Oakland Raiders: Miami

St. Louis Rams @ Denver Broncos: St. Louis

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Baltimore Ravens: Baltimore

San Diego Chargers @ Indianapolis Colts: San Diego

In the "Man, I can't believe this is the Monday Night Football Game"-San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals: Arizona

So, until next week,"Dear NFL, don't have a lockout...It will suck for all of the fans. Keep in mind what it did for Baseball. Do you really want to mess with a good thing?" XOXO, Diana

Fantasy Draft #4: Matching Mugshots

What's up, everybody?! This has already been a busy week! I had my last two fantasy drafts this past Sunday. Both of these squads were drafted via ESPN.com's Fantasy Football. My drafts were exactly twelve hours apart. The league is the Atypical Sports Show League. This league includes among others my twitter buddies Rob and Ki from @atypicalsports, @ShirleyHuangEsq, @Rodimusprime, @BomaniJones, @Vthrilla, and @thetillshow. I hope I did not squander my forth pick. My team was originally named Arsinoe Laveau, but I was teased by persons who shall remain nameless. So, let me introduce you to Matching Mugshots!

Introducing the starting line-up:

1st round-4th Pick: Ray Rice RB Baltimore Ravens. Last season, Ray Rice rushed for 1339 yards for 7 touchdowns. He also caught 78 receptions for another 702 yards and 1 touchdown. He had 228 Fantasy points last season, and ESPN is projecting 252 points for this season. *Fingers crossed*

2nd round-17th Pick: Ryan Mathews RB San Diego Chargers. The hopes of a couple my teams are on the shoulders of this young man. Let's hope he can live up to the shoes he is filling. He is projected to pull in 180 fantasy points.

3rd round-24th Pick: Miles Austin WR Dallas Cowboys. I hate the Cowboys, and I've made no secret about that. This is the first time I've ever drafted a Dallas Cowboy. I hope I'm not going to regret it. Austin brought down 81 receptions for 1320 yards for 11 touchdowns. He scored 194 fantasy points and is projected to bring in 182 this year.

4th round-37th Pick: Philip Rivers QB San Diego Chargers. Rivers had 4,254 yards with 28 touchdowns to 9 interceptions. Philip had 258 fantasy points last year and is projected to have 259 this year.

5th round-44th Pick: Tony Gonzalez TE Atlanta Falcons. Shocker Right?! Greatest Tight End Ever. One catch away from 1000. All World Tight End. TG had 83 receptions for 867 yards and 6 touchdowns in his first year in Atlanta. He had 117 fantasy points in 2009 and is projected to bring in 139 this year.

What?! You've seen Tony in his uniform...

6th Round-57nd Pick: Pierre Garcon WR Indianapolis Colts. Last season, Garcon had 47 receptions for 765 yards and 4 touchdowns. He had 95 fantasy points in 2009 and is projected to gain in 124 this year.

7th Round-64th Pick: Minnesota Vikings DEF. The Vikings D had 48 sacks last season and 11 interceptions. They recovered 13 fumbles as well. They are ranked as the #6 defense in the league. The Vikings racked up 126 fantasy points last year and are expected to pull in 112 points this season.

8th Round-86th Pick: Devin Aromashodu WR Chicago Bears. I think Devin is going to maybe be a sleeper pick this year. He had 24 receptions for 298 yards and 4 touchdowns last season. He had 52 points last year. He is predicted to haul in about 103 points this season.

Here are my Bench players:
9th round-84th pick: Dustin Keller TE New York Jets
10th round-97th pick: Green Bay Packers D/ST
11th round-104th pick: Robert Meachem WR New Orleans Saints
12th round-117th pick: Steve Slaton RB Houston Texans
13th round-124th pick: Mark Sanchez QB New York Jets
14th round-137th pick: Ryan Succop K Kansas City Chiefs
15th round-144th pick: Dexter McCluster WR Kansas City Chiefs

Thanks to Rob and Ki for the invitation. You can check them out on their podcast the Atypical Sports Show. The NFL Season Kicks off in 24 Hours! Until next time, “The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer.”- John Madden

Fantasy Draft #3 of Five: The Cromartie Eight

It's the weekend, everybody! Today was the third of my fantasy drafts. This draft takes place with the NFL. com fantasy football, and the league is called the Football Fist Pump. I was really nervous because I had the 11th pick out of 12. Let me introduce you to The Cromartie Eight!

Introducing the starting line-up:

1st round-11th Pick: Ryan Mathews RB San Diego Chargers. I watched Mathews, the rookie replacement for LaDainian Tomlinson, play Friday night against the New Orleans Saints. The young running back from Fresno State looked pretty good, and he wasn't bad on the field either. NFL.com has him projected to earn 200 fantasy points. I hope so young man.

2nd round-14th Pick: Philip Rivers QB San Diego Chargers. I want go on about how much I love Philip Rivers. You guys know by now that he is mine and @theNFLChick's favorite Quarterback. Rivers had 4,254 yards with 28 touchdowns to 9 interceptions. Philip had 282 fantasy points last year and is projected to have 254 this year.

3rd round-35th Pick: Greg Jennings WR Green Bay Packers. Greg Jennings...Greg Jennings...Well, I'll admit. I grabbed him without thinking. I'm hoping his bye week doesn't kill me. Jennings caught 1113 yards for 4 touchdowns last season. He had 80 Fantasy points in 2009. Hope he is much, MUCH, better this year.

4th round-38th Pick: Jonathan Stewart RB Carolina Panthers. Stewart ran for 1133 yards last season for 10 touchdowns. He had 186.25 fantasy points in 2009.

5th round-59th Pick: Tony Gonzalez TE Atlanta Falcons. Greatest Tight End Ever. One catch away from 1000. All World Tight End. TG had 83 receptions for 867 yards and 6 touchdowns in his first year in Atlanta. He had 79.35 fantasy points in 2009.

6th Round-62nd Pick: Minnesota Vikings DEF. The Vikings D had 48 sacks last season and 11 interceptions. They recovered 13 fumbles as well. They are ranked as the #6 defense in the league.

7th Round-83rd Pick: Johnny Knox WR Chicago Bears. Johnny Knox had 45 receptions for 527 yards and 5 touchdowns last year. Knox had 56.35 fantasy points in 2009.

8th Round-86th Pick: Dexter McCluster WR Kansas City Chiefs. Dexter McCluster rushed for 1169 yards and 8 touchdowns last year for the Ole Miss Rebels. This year, my Chiefs have decided to use him as a WR. I guess, Charlie Weis knows what he is doing. Good luck, Dexter.

Here are my Bench players:
9th round-107th pick: Donovan McNabb QB Washington Redskins
10th round-110th pick: Devin Aromashodu WR Chicago Bears
11th round-131st pick: Dustin Keller TE New York Jets
12th round-134th pick: San Diego Chargers DEF
13th round-155th pick: Ryan Succop K Kansas City Chiefs
14th round-158th pick: Mario Manningham WR New York Giants
15th round-179th pick: Mike Bell RB Philadelphia Eagles

Next week, I have a double draft, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Until next time, “Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.”~Bill Shankly

Fantasy Draft #2: Introducing Hecate's HellHounds...

It's the weekend, everybody! Today was the second of my fantasy drafts. This draft takes place with the NF L. com fantasy football , and the league is called the League of Champions. Once again, bec ause the draft order is randomized, we didn't find out our draft order until this morning. I had the 2nd pick out of 12! Let me introduce you to Hecate's HellHounds!

Introducing my starting line-up:
1st round-2th pick RB Adrian Peterson Minnesota Vikings. Despite a battle with the fumble-itis last year (7 fumbles), Peterson finished the season with 1383 yards and 18 touchdowns. 2009 Fantasy stats: 268.70 fantasy points.

2nd round-23rd pick QB Philip Rivers San Diego Chargers. Philip is one of my favorite quarterbacks, mostly because of that Southern Charm and his ability to get under the skin of opposing players. Rivers finished the season 4254 yards and 28 touchdowns to 9 interceptions. He'll be without his favorite WR Vincent Jackson, but he still has Antonio Gates. 2009 Fantasy stats: 307.70 fantasy points.

3rd round-26th pick RB Ryan Grant Green Bay Packers. Grant may not have the yards that Peterson does, but he has great hands. He committed only one fumble last year. He finished the season with 1253 rushing yards and 11 touchdowns. 2009 Fantasy stats: 201.15 fantasy points.

4th round-47th pick WR Wes Welker New England Patriots. This is the down side of having a high pick. Something has to to suffer; for me, it is my receiving corps. Welker is Tom Brady's go to guy when Randy Moss is under pressure. He finished the season with 1348 yards and 4 touchdowns. 2009 Fantasy stats: 95.00 fantasy points.

5th round-50th pick The Captain of the HellHounds-TE Tony Gonzalez Atlanta Falcons. I got Tony, I got Tony...ha-ha-ha-haa-ha...ha-ha-ha-haa-ha...Uh-uhm. In his first year as an (sigh) Atlanta Falcon, TG finished the season with 867 yards and 6 touchdown. His next catch will be number 1,000, the first Tight End to reach that number. 2009 Fantasy stats: 79.35 fantasy points.

6th round-71st pick WR Pierre Garcon Indianapolis Colts. Last season, Garcon finshed with 765 yards and 4 touchdowns in 13 games. Plus, Peyton Manning is throwing to him. 2009 Fantasy stats: 63.25 points.

7th round-74th pick DEF Minnesota Vikings. Vikings finished 6th in overall defense last year. They led the league with 48 sacks, and they tacked on 11 interceptions. 2009 Fantasy Stats: 116 fantasy points.

8th round-95th pick WR Malcolm Floyd San Diego Chargers. Malcolm Floyd should benefit from Vincent Jackson's absence because of Jackson's holdout and impending suspension. He finished the 2009 season with 776 yards and 1 touchdown. Just one? C'mon, man. 2009 Fantasy stats: 44.80 points.

These are my bench players:
9th round-97th pick DEF San Diego Chargers (Lights out is back! Plus, I didn't want another team with the Chargers.

10th round-119th pick RB Clinton Portis Washington Redskins
11th round-122nd pick QB Carson Palmer Cincinnati Bengals
12th round-143rd pick TE Heath Miller Pittsburgh Steelers
13th round-146th pick WR Dexter McCluster Kansas City Chiefs
14th round-167th pick K Ryan Longwell Minnesota Vikings
15th round-169th pick WR Nate Burleson Detroit Lions

Will the HellHounds wreak havoc upon the League of Champions, or will they be a team of pitiful puppies? Only time will tell. What do you think? Leave me a line.

So until next time remember, "Football is easy, if you're crazy as hell."~Bo Jackson

Another Prediction from a Busybody, Know-it-All Football Fan

Happy Divisional Playoff Weekend football fans! It just seems like yesterday that we had the kickoff of football season. Now, we are just six games away from the Super Bowl. So, the AP has been giving out their annual awards so if you haven’t heard by now here is a quick re-cap: Offensive Player of the Year-Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee Titans. Chris Johnson had a monster year for the Titans clocking 2,509 yards from scrimmage, not to mention running for over 2,000 yards. I don’t think I’ve run 2,000 yards in my life much less in a 16 game season. Defensive Player of the Year-Charles Woodson, CB, Green Bay Packers. Okay, I’m a homer, I was rooting for Darren Sharper, and most of the country thought that it should have gone to Darrelle Revis of the Jets who shut down every receiver that came within yard of his orbit. That said, no one can argue with Woodson’s year. He tied for the league lead with 9 interceptions three returned for touchdowns, not to mention he was instrumental in the Packers becoming the second rank defense in the league. League MVP went to Peyton Manning, of course. As I said last week, this is Peyton Manning’s record fourth MVP award. It’s pretty hard to argue with Manning winning the MVP, he didn’t slip up during the year, like Drew Brees or Brett Favre. Manning’s team didn’t lose because of him *cough, Curtis Painter.* I actually thought that Philip Rivers should have been higher than Brees. Comeback Player of the Year was Tom Brady, uh-huh, about right. Defensive Rookie of the Year was Brian Cushing, LB, Houston Texans. Cushing had a great rookie season for the Texans. Cushing had 133 total tackles, 4 sacks, 4 interceptions, and 2 forced fumbles. I’d say he deserved the award. Offensive Rookie of the Year went to Minnesota Vikings, WR, Percy Harvin. In between suffering from migraine headaches that often kept him from practice, Percy Harvin managed to only have 60 receptions racking up 790 yards and 6 TDs. He rushed for another 135 yards. Did I mention he returned 42 kickoffs for 1, 156 yards averaging 27.5 yards per return with two kickoffs for TDs, one of which was 101 yards? The Coach of the year title went to Cincinnati Bengals Head Coach Marvin Lewis. Yay, Marvin. Marvin had a tremendous turnaround with the Bengals this year, and he managed to keep his team together after the tragic deaths of Vicki Zimmer, DC Mike Zimmer’s wife, and WR Chris Henry. Congratulations to all of the winners…

Quick side note my Kansas City Chiefs have hired two of the biggest names (not to mention waistlines) to join Coach Todd “Dead Man Walking” Haley. Romeo Crennel was added this week as the defensive coordinator, joining Charlie Weis as Scott Pioli continues to build the New England Patriots: Midwest Edition. How long before Haley starts sporting the cut-off hoodie…Stay tuned…The Second Round of the Playoffs begin this weekend. Let’s take a look at the games…

The Arizona Cardinals v. The New Orleans Saints. Last weekend the Cardinals managed to survive a shootout in the desert with the Green Bay Packers. The 51-45 game was an instant NFL Classic (the NFL Network even said so). Kurt “Hey, I’m still younger the Brett Favre” Warner continues to be a geriatric wonder on the field, and now he and his Cardinals are trying to perform yet another miracle and make their way to a second Super Bowl in as many years. Meanwhile, in New Orleans, Drew Brees and the “Who Dat?” Boys seem to have fallen out of favor with a lot of the NFL Prognosticators. They took the foot off the gas at the end of the season dropping three in a row. Although they weren’t pulling players to just rest, they were resting injured players who needed the recovery time. History, however, shows that no team who has lost their last three games has gone to one, much less won a Super Bowl. That said, I take the New Orleans Saints for the win.

The Baltimore Ravens v. The Indianapolis Colts. Four-time MVP Peyton Manning and his Colts are hosting Ray Lewis and the Ravens. Ray Rice delivered the first nail to the coffin of Tom Brady and the Patriots, and then the defense buried the Patriots hopes of a return to the Super Bowl. Most commentators maintain that the pressure is on the Colts who chose to rest players down the stretch instead of playing their starters. It’s another case of rust vs. momentum. If it comes down to a quarterback battle between Peyton and Joe Flacco, I have to put my money on Peyton, especially since Flacco has a bad hip and only was 4-10 for 34 yards against the Patriots. While I like and have a healthy fear of the Ravens and their defense, I have to put my money on the Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts.

The Dallas Cowboys v. the Minnesota Vikings. In the I hate one entire team and the other team’s quarterback bowl, the Cowboys who have been on a roll against the Eagles (twice), Redskins, and Saints head to Minnesota to take on Lorenzo and the Purple People eaters. For those who are not in the know, I hate the Cowboys, and since I am not really a member of the Media, I don’t have to pretend I don’t have a bias. They have won…blah-blah-blah…Tony Romo finally won in December, whoop-te-doo. Minnesota ended their season on high note taking out Eli Manning and the Giants. Although I don’t like him much, I’m hoping old Lorenzo marches Adrian Peterson, Percy Harvin, Visanthe “I couldn’t have one easy name” Shiancoe, and Sidney Rice down the throats of the Cowboys. Then, to borrow a quote from Mike Tomlin, I hope that Jared Allen and the Williams boys “Unleash Hell” on the Cowboys and Tony Romo. You would literally have to pay me to pick the Cowboys. Lord Lorenzo and the Vikings over Da Boys.

The New York Jets v. the San Diego Chargers. The New York Jets and their coach Rex Ryan have been spreading smack like nobody’s business the last few weeks having taken out the Bengals (twice) and the Colts. Coach went so far as saying they should be a favorite in the Super Bowl. Slow down, Rexy boy, take it down a notch. They are taking the band on the road again headed to quarterback Mark Sanchez’s old stomping grounds to take on Philip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers. It is no secret that the writer of this blog has an unhealthy fan crush on San Diego Chargers OLB Shawne Merriman, even though that writer maintains that she (who shall remain nameless) is a Kansas City Chiefs fan. The only thing that has come out of the San Diego Chargers camp is a viral video that I’m sure RB LaDainian Tomlinson wishes he had never made (“I read the defense, read the defense, catch that pass, hit that hole”). The Chargers were on an 11 game win streak going into the playoff. Darrelle Revis has stranded many a receiver on Revis Island, but he hasn’t seen receivers the size of Vincent Jackson, Malcolm Floyd, and TE Antonio Gates. Good luck with that. As if you didn’t already know, I’m picking the San Diego Chargers.

That’s it. Those are my predictions sure to go wrong. I'm about to take LT's advice and read the defense of Saints. See you next week for the Conference Championship games. In the words of Mark Twain, "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said 'I don't know'." See you next week!!!