Sunday, November 1, 2009

I Scream with The Grudge of every Chiefs fan who watches The Shining Broncos.

Welcome back, boys and girls. This past week has been Favrepalossa. Thank goodness the Packers and the Vikings play twice a year or we would never be able to see Brett Favre. I mean, I have hardly heard anything about Old man Favre this year. I wasn’t even aware he was still in the league…*rolling eyes.* Clearly, I don’t care. Larry Johnson insulted his coach, his team, the fans, and homosexuals everywhere (did I miss anybody) this week. So he was suspended for conduct detrimental to the team; that could practically apply to any Chiefs player who has taken the field impersonating an NFL player. Thank goodness they are off this week. At least, they can’t lose. People are still giving my boy Shawne Merriman a hard time because he still doesn’t have a sack. He almost had one against the Chiefs, and from what I saw he was moving much better, but folks, he is still not completely healthy. I’m just happy to have him on the field. I still hate the Cowboys, Raiders, and Broncos. Tom Cable is reportedly (according to ESPN) an abuser of women. We know he’s an abuser of men, and like his quarterback, an abuser of the occasional donut. All jokes aside (which is hard to do because the Raiders are a joke), the NFL needs to review these accusations. I don’t really see Crazy Al retaining him after this year, but then again, the only reliable thing about Crazy Al is that he is unreliable. Mark Sanchez tried not to mock the Raiders by eating a hot dog on the sideline. Thank you, Mark. Peyton was Peyton.
There is a lot of horror in the NFL this year. The Chiefs, Bucs, Lions, Rams, Browns, Raiders, and Redskins all suck. They are like watching Wrong Turn on Friday the 13th into A Nightmare on Elm Street. It should be illegal to be this bad. The NFL should take the Shield off their helmets. Two of these teams, the Rams and Lions, will be playing this week…And no one will care.
Last week, I went an impressive 3-1 in the fantasy game. Yes, I was just as shocked as you are. I still don’t know how, but I’m about to do a victory lap…
The Merry Mad Men (4-3) v. maniacs
My Merry Mad Men went up against maniacs of the Hell Raisers League. I took the “field” with the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.
My MadMen slipped again, but this time it was my fault. I left 74 points on the bench. That’s right 74 points on the bench. I started Larry Johnson (that Eric Kuselias) over Ricky Williams. Bad, idea. Started Tony Gonzalez over Vernon Davis. Davis and Williams had 54 points between the two of them. I…I have no words to describe how disappointed I am with my managing. My Players of the Week were on the bench, but of the one’s playing, The San Diego Chargers D/ST tried to stop the bleeding, but the MadMen lost to the Maniacs 99-103.
Hecate’s HellHounds (2-5) v. Kung Pow 2009
The HellHounds have upgraded to the Washington Redskins of their fantasy league. Not much of an upgrade, but it’s something. My starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Mike Bell, WRs-Mike Wallace, Santonio Holmes, Donald Driver, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. This team…sucked…so badly. I just don’t know… Lindell, Holmes and Grant all had 10 points. Gonzalez had 11. My player of the week was for the first time this season the San Diego Chargers D/ST with 26 points. My Hell pups finally pulled out a victory beating Kung Pow 2009 119-93.
The Crazy 88’s (3-4) v. Tbaggers
The 88’s are like watching a tennis match, back and forth. I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Larry Johnson and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Reggie Wayne, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. My Player of the Week was the Chargers D/St with their 26 points against my beloved Chiefs. The Crazy 88’s edged the Tbaggers 95-87. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.
Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez (3-4) v. Lee’s Lil Nazis
Lee’s Lil Nazis (SMH…He was influenced by Inglorious Basterds) is run by our league commissioner, another of my former students. My team underwent a name change last week since the other Gonzalez hasn’t been seen since week one (is he still on the roster?). Lee was playing with Drew Brees. I lined-up: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-LDT, Mike bell and Cedric Benson, WR-Mike Wallace and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. My player of the week was Cedric “I got some new tread” Benson with 24 points. Gonzalez minus un Gonzalez spanked the Lil Nazis 103-62. I’m trying not to be smug…Trying…
Dear Shawne Merriman,
As I said last week, I know that it is tough playing with the injuries you have had over the last few weeks, the groin and Achilles, but this week you play the Raiders. You have 6.5 sacks against the Raiders. You guys are home at the Q, and y’all are playing JaMarcus “It’s not my Fault” Russell. Please unleash that pent up anger upon the Raiders. Release the sack monster upon the Raider offense. I really, don’t care how. Cheat if you must…just don’t get caught (I won’t tell). I also would not mind if you “accidentally” bumped head coach Tom Cable (a la Charlie Weis *wink-wink*). Today, would be a good day to try and tie Derrick’s sack record, okay. Thanks.
Your fan and fantasy team owner, DianaDishes
Well, that’s all I’ve got guys. Until next week kids… As the Great Vince Lombardi said, “It's easy to have faith in yourself and have discipline when you're a winner, when you're number one. What you got to have is faith and discipline when you're not a winner.” Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

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