I Scream with The Grudge of every Chiefs fan who watches The Shining Broncos.

Welcome back, boys and girls. This past week has been Favrepalossa. Thank goodness the Packers and the Vikings play twice a year or we would never be able to see Brett Favre. I mean, I have hardly heard anything about Old man Favre this year. I wasn’t even aware he was still in the league…*rolling eyes.* Clearly, I don’t care. Larry Johnson insulted his coach, his team, the fans, and homosexuals everywhere (did I miss anybody) this week. So he was suspended for conduct detrimental to the team; that could practically apply to any Chiefs player who has taken the field impersonating an NFL player. Thank goodness they are off this week. At least, they can’t lose. People are still giving my boy Shawne Merriman a hard time because he still doesn’t have a sack. He almost had one against the Chiefs, and from what I saw he was moving much better, but folks, he is still not completely healthy. I’m just happy to have him on the field. I still hate the Cowboys, Raiders, and Broncos. Tom Cable is reportedly (according to ESPN) an abuser of women. We know he’s an abuser of men, and like his quarterback, an abuser of the occasional donut. All jokes aside (which is hard to do because the Raiders are a joke), the NFL needs to review these accusations. I don’t really see Crazy Al retaining him after this year, but then again, the only reliable thing about Crazy Al is that he is unreliable. Mark Sanchez tried not to mock the Raiders by eating a hot dog on the sideline. Thank you, Mark. Peyton was Peyton.
There is a lot of horror in the NFL this year. The Chiefs, Bucs, Lions, Rams, Browns, Raiders, and Redskins all suck. They are like watching Wrong Turn on Friday the 13th into A Nightmare on Elm Street. It should be illegal to be this bad. The NFL should take the Shield off their helmets. Two of these teams, the Rams and Lions, will be playing this week…And no one will care.
Last week, I went an impressive 3-1 in the fantasy game. Yes, I was just as shocked as you are. I still don’t know how, but I’m about to do a victory lap…
The Merry Mad Men (4-3) v. maniacs
My Merry Mad Men went up against maniacs of the Hell Raisers League. I took the “field” with the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.
My MadMen slipped again, but this time it was my fault. I left 74 points on the bench. That’s right 74 points on the bench. I started Larry Johnson (that Eric Kuselias) over Ricky Williams. Bad, idea. Started Tony Gonzalez over Vernon Davis. Davis and Williams had 54 points between the two of them. I…I have no words to describe how disappointed I am with my managing. My Players of the Week were on the bench, but of the one’s playing, The San Diego Chargers D/ST tried to stop the bleeding, but the MadMen lost to the Maniacs 99-103.
Hecate’s HellHounds (2-5) v. Kung Pow 2009
The HellHounds have upgraded to the Washington Redskins of their fantasy league. Not much of an upgrade, but it’s something. My starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Mike Bell, WRs-Mike Wallace, Santonio Holmes, Donald Driver, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. This team…sucked…so badly. I just don’t know… Lindell, Holmes and Grant all had 10 points. Gonzalez had 11. My player of the week was for the first time this season the San Diego Chargers D/ST with 26 points. My Hell pups finally pulled out a victory beating Kung Pow 2009 119-93.
The Crazy 88’s (3-4) v. Tbaggers
The 88’s are like watching a tennis match, back and forth. I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Larry Johnson and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Reggie Wayne, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. My Player of the Week was the Chargers D/St with their 26 points against my beloved Chiefs. The Crazy 88’s edged the Tbaggers 95-87. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.
Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez (3-4) v. Lee’s Lil Nazis
Lee’s Lil Nazis (SMH…He was influenced by Inglorious Basterds) is run by our league commissioner, another of my former students. My team underwent a name change last week since the other Gonzalez hasn’t been seen since week one (is he still on the roster?). Lee was playing with Drew Brees. I lined-up: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-LDT, Mike bell and Cedric Benson, WR-Mike Wallace and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. My player of the week was Cedric “I got some new tread” Benson with 24 points. Gonzalez minus un Gonzalez spanked the Lil Nazis 103-62. I’m trying not to be smug…Trying…
Dear Shawne Merriman,
As I said last week, I know that it is tough playing with the injuries you have had over the last few weeks, the groin and Achilles, but this week you play the Raiders. You have 6.5 sacks against the Raiders. You guys are home at the Q, and y’all are playing JaMarcus “It’s not my Fault” Russell. Please unleash that pent up anger upon the Raiders. Release the sack monster upon the Raider offense. I really, don’t care how. Cheat if you must…just don’t get caught (I won’t tell). I also would not mind if you “accidentally” bumped head coach Tom Cable (a la Charlie Weis *wink-wink*). Today, would be a good day to try and tie Derrick’s sack record, okay. Thanks.
Your fan and fantasy team owner, DianaDishes
Well, that’s all I’ve got guys. Until next week kids… As the Great Vince Lombardi said, “It's easy to have faith in yourself and have discipline when you're a winner, when you're number one. What you got to have is faith and discipline when you're not a winner.” Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

Kanye West interrupts to tell me that Beyonce has a better Fantasy Team Than Mine.

Week one of my fantasy football year has come and gone. Since I last blogged, the San Diego DA decided not to press charges against Shawne Merriman (thanks Ms. DA). It needs to be said that you shouldn’t trust anybody whose last name is on the label of an Alcoholic Beverage (See Captain Morgan). The Kansas City Chiefs lost. Ole #4 threw the New York Jets and Eric Mangini (who I bet regrets every day that he named his kid after Mr. Hattiesburg) under the bus, a trip that cost them $100,000 and Mangini $25,000. The Chiefs lost. Drew Brew put on a quarterback clinic against the Detroit Lions, who still suck. The Chiefs lost. Tom Brady and Phillip Rivers both pulled out last minute victories against teams they should have beaten before the fourth quarter. LaDanian Tomlinson got hurt. Tom Brady was heroically praised; Phillip Rivers was criticized then fined $7,500 for taunting, embarrassing and otherwise humiliating Oakland Raider DT Gerard Warren (can you imagine the verbal beating this guy had to take in the locker room…one minute while I enjoy this image). The Chiefs lost. T.O. only kinda, sorta threw Trent Edwards under the bus…not really, but Trent, the bus is trailing you. Speaking of T.O., Jeff Garcia returned to Philly, Donovan McNabb got hurt (What? Donovan? Why he never gets hurt.), and Mr. Kendra Wilkinson was cut by the Eagles and picked up by the Indianapolis Colts. The Chiefs’ 63 million dollar man held a clipboard and watched while Broken Croyle and Tormented Thigpen showed up but couldn’t finish against the Ravens. Now to my fantasy leagues…

The Merry Mad Men v. The Last Cowboy
My Merry Mad Men went up against The Last Cowboy of the Hell Raisers League. I submitted the following lineup: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDanian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Kaeding, DST-San Diego Chargers. My Mad Men were out of the gate running with Santonio Holmes earning 19 points against the Tennesse Titans, but my player of the week was Reggie Wayne who racked up 22 points. Honorable mention goes to Tony Gonzalez and Kurt Warner who rounded out my top point getters. The Chargers D was okay. They managed to get two interceptions and a sack…against the Raiders. One measly sack against the Raiders-a team they have punished 12 games in a row. SMH…I’m giving them a pass this time, but this week they are playing the Ravens. LaDanian Tomlinson is already hurt…ALREADY HURT. He managed 9 points which is more than Larry Johnson’s 2. If it weren’t for the two points, I wouldn’t have known he was on the field. That said The Merry Mad Men defeated the Last Cowboy, 98-72. Not bad.

Hecate’s HellHounds v. Tim’s Grim Reapers 2
I think the HellHounds are going to be my finest team. My lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and LaDanian Tomlinson, WRs-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Torry Holt, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Kaeding, DST-San Diego Chargers. My HellHound player of the week is without compare, Mr. Drew Brees who rained touchdowns upon the lowly Detroit Lions. He racked up an amazing 48 points. I have played fantasy football for three years, and I have never had a player amass that many points. LaDanian got hurt…Ryan Grant and Tony Gonzalez played really well gaining 12 and 13 points respectively. Outside of Santonio Holmes, my other wide receivers were barely there. My Hell Hounds scored the most points in the league this week beating Tim’s Grim Reapers 2, 125-82. Yay! Sorry, I went all girly.

The Crazy 88’s v. JawBreaker
I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Larry Johnson and LaDanian Tomlinson, WRs-Donald Driver, Torry Holt, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. This team is starting to look a little suspect to me. Donovan McNabb grabs player of the week honors, but he broke his rib. Larry didn’t show up, LaDanian got hurt, and Rob Bironas kicked like he wanted the Steelers to win. Yep, this team=suspicious…They pulled out a win against Jawbreaker, 89-68.

Gonzalez y Gonzalez v. the Big Fat Ugly Dudes
This is my home league team, and like years before, I can’t win. This team like the Crazy 88’s is suspect. I lined-up: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-LaDanian Tomlinson, Darren Sproles, WR-Anthony Gonzalez, Larry Fitzgerald, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. Everybody knows by now that I hate how ESPN Scores (lost 3 points on Chargers and who knows how many on Sproles). The second Gonzalez of the name went down with a knee injury (out 3-6 weeks), did I mention LT’s ankle, and Jay Cutler forgot that his teammates do not wear Green and Gold. Mr. T. J. Championship gave me 4 points. Gonzalez y Gonzalez was spanked 73-99 by the Big Fat Ugly Dudes.

So, I finished this week 3-1. I lost a quarterback, a running back, and a wide receiver. I picked up Michael Bennett, a running back for the San Diego Chargers. He performed well during the preseason (but that was preseason). I hope he repeats that performance during LT’s absence. I picked up Justin Gage at wide receiver to replace Anthony Gonzalez, Byron Leftwich for Donovan, and Mark Sanchez for Crybaby Cutler. That’s it for the week that was. Wish me luck guys…Just remember-“Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it.” - Heywood Hale Broun. Good Fantasy week, y’all!

And So It Begins...

Welcome to the first of my three draft posts. My first league draft is with the Hell Raisers league of NFL.COM. For those of you who have never played fantasy football, this is how the draft works.

The league is comprised of twelve teams. We draft in the order in which we joined the league. I will pick 9th in the 1st round, which sucks. Order is reversed on even rounds. Meet my fellow teams: 1-Eaglescrazy, 2-New Jersey Girl, 3-BenGal, 4-maniacs, 5-THE REBELS, 6-steelerdan, 7-bucs, 8-Last Cowboy, 9-The Merry MadMen, 10-Ballbusterzzzz, 11-Murder, 12-NK Stallions. This is the league of the Hell Raisers. Our league is divided into 3 divisions: East, Central, West. I am in the central division with BenGal, Last Cowboy, and New Jersey Girl.

Draft will begin promptly at 10:45 am eastern time. There are fourteen rounds. Each team will have 90 seconds between picks. If you run out of time, computer picks for you. Each team will, therefore, choose 14 players. Only 9 of these players may be active during a game day, 5 are reserve players. Every team needs 1 Quarterback, 2 Running backs, 3 Wide Receivers, 1 Tight End, 1Kicker, 1 Defense. Keep in mind. You don’t want too many of your players to have the same bye week, which means if you are a homer, you will lose. (Each team in the NFL gets one week off during the season called a bye, so your players on that team will not be playing.) I have who I want in mind. I hope to at least walk away with one of my chosen. Wish me luck!

1st round-San Diego Chargers Running back-LaDanian Tomlinson. I am hoping LT is close to MVP form. He was injured, but not bad last year. He says that he is back and out to prove his critics wrong.
2nd round-Indianapolis Colts Wide Receiver-Reggie Wayne. He is the clear #1 in Indy, now that Marvin Harrison is gone. Throw him the ball Peyton!
3rd round-Arizona Cardinals Quarterback-Kurt Warner. I hope he brings back some of that Super Bowl magic from last year. He throws to two of the best wide receivers in the game Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. Hope he stays healthy, and they catch the ball.
4th round-Atlanta Falcons Tight End-Tony Gonzalez. It hurts just calling him a Falcon. My favorite player since 1997, I rely heavily on Tony's solid hands. I just hope that he does not spend the year on the line blocking.
5th round-Pittsburgh Steelers Wide Receiver-Santonio Holmes. I hope Santonio plays this season like the he did during the Super Bowl.
6th round-Kansas City Chiefs Running Back-Larry Johnson. My first Chiefs player chosen. Larry has had problems over the last two years. In 2007, he broke his foot and missed the end of the season. In 2008, off the field issues literally kept him off the field for 5 games. Let's hope those are resolved, because I like the idea of having a two headed monster like LT and LJ running for me. I want them to party like 2006.
7th round-San Diego Chargers Defense-My favorite linebacker Shawne Merriman and his buddy Shaun Phillips with a dash of rookie Larry English. I'm soooo ready to see them back in shape. Last year, they treated me bad-ad-ead, wrong my dear. But, the two headed monster is back. I think Norv and Ron will start Merriman slowly, but look out JaMarcus, Joe, whoever throws in Miami, Big Ben, Kyle, Matt, Eli, Donovan, whoever throws in Cleveland, Tony, Carson, Kerry, and Jason. Sacks are their business, and business should be good...
8th round-Green Bay Packers Wide Receiver-Donald Driver. Reliable hands. Donald Driver is one of the best wide receivers that no one talks about.
9th round-San Francisco 49ers Wide Receiver-Issac Bruce. Bruce is dependable. But, I don't see him actually starting unless it's a bye week for my other players. He just doesn't have a reliable quarterback.
10th round-Kansas City Chiefs Quarterback-Matt Cassel. I would not draft Matt as a starter. KC's O-line is rather thin. If he can stay up right, he can make a reliable back up.
11th round-San Diego Chargers Kicker-Nate Kaeding. Nate is my starting kicker. He is a pretty reliable kicker. Kickers, however, do not make or break a team. I actually won a game last year without a kicker.
12th round-Atlanta Falcons Running Back Jerious Norwood. Jerious will not get the most carries in ATL; those will go to Michael Turner, but he is a good back up.
13th round-Miami Dolphins Defense. Jason Taylor is back. Joey Porter is back. They are pretty quiet now. They will suffice as a back up.
14th round-Denver Broncos Tight End-Tony Scheffler. He is only there for Gonzalez's bye week. I normally don't draft Broncos, but he was all that was left really.

Okay, this is not a great team, but it is pretty good. I have won a championship with less. I don’t carry an extra kicker. There really isn’t a point. You can always pick up a spare later. I did get a lot of the players I wanted. I hope the one’s I did get pan out. Draft number 2 tomorrow.