Kanye West interrupts to tell me that Beyonce has a better Fantasy Team Than Mine.

Week one of my fantasy football year has come and gone. Since I last blogged, the San Diego DA decided not to press charges against Shawne Merriman (thanks Ms. DA). It needs to be said that you shouldn’t trust anybody whose last name is on the label of an Alcoholic Beverage (See Captain Morgan). The Kansas City Chiefs lost. Ole #4 threw the New York Jets and Eric Mangini (who I bet regrets every day that he named his kid after Mr. Hattiesburg) under the bus, a trip that cost them $100,000 and Mangini $25,000. The Chiefs lost. Drew Brew put on a quarterback clinic against the Detroit Lions, who still suck. The Chiefs lost. Tom Brady and Phillip Rivers both pulled out last minute victories against teams they should have beaten before the fourth quarter. LaDanian Tomlinson got hurt. Tom Brady was heroically praised; Phillip Rivers was criticized then fined $7,500 for taunting, embarrassing and otherwise humiliating Oakland Raider DT Gerard Warren (can you imagine the verbal beating this guy had to take in the locker room…one minute while I enjoy this image). The Chiefs lost. T.O. only kinda, sorta threw Trent Edwards under the bus…not really, but Trent, the bus is trailing you. Speaking of T.O., Jeff Garcia returned to Philly, Donovan McNabb got hurt (What? Donovan? Why he never gets hurt.), and Mr. Kendra Wilkinson was cut by the Eagles and picked up by the Indianapolis Colts. The Chiefs’ 63 million dollar man held a clipboard and watched while Broken Croyle and Tormented Thigpen showed up but couldn’t finish against the Ravens. Now to my fantasy leagues…

The Merry Mad Men v. The Last Cowboy
My Merry Mad Men went up against The Last Cowboy of the Hell Raisers League. I submitted the following lineup: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDanian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Kaeding, DST-San Diego Chargers. My Mad Men were out of the gate running with Santonio Holmes earning 19 points against the Tennesse Titans, but my player of the week was Reggie Wayne who racked up 22 points. Honorable mention goes to Tony Gonzalez and Kurt Warner who rounded out my top point getters. The Chargers D was okay. They managed to get two interceptions and a sack…against the Raiders. One measly sack against the Raiders-a team they have punished 12 games in a row. SMH…I’m giving them a pass this time, but this week they are playing the Ravens. LaDanian Tomlinson is already hurt…ALREADY HURT. He managed 9 points which is more than Larry Johnson’s 2. If it weren’t for the two points, I wouldn’t have known he was on the field. That said The Merry Mad Men defeated the Last Cowboy, 98-72. Not bad.

Hecate’s HellHounds v. Tim’s Grim Reapers 2
I think the HellHounds are going to be my finest team. My lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and LaDanian Tomlinson, WRs-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Torry Holt, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Kaeding, DST-San Diego Chargers. My HellHound player of the week is without compare, Mr. Drew Brees who rained touchdowns upon the lowly Detroit Lions. He racked up an amazing 48 points. I have played fantasy football for three years, and I have never had a player amass that many points. LaDanian got hurt…Ryan Grant and Tony Gonzalez played really well gaining 12 and 13 points respectively. Outside of Santonio Holmes, my other wide receivers were barely there. My Hell Hounds scored the most points in the league this week beating Tim’s Grim Reapers 2, 125-82. Yay! Sorry, I went all girly.

The Crazy 88’s v. JawBreaker
I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Larry Johnson and LaDanian Tomlinson, WRs-Donald Driver, Torry Holt, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. This team is starting to look a little suspect to me. Donovan McNabb grabs player of the week honors, but he broke his rib. Larry didn’t show up, LaDanian got hurt, and Rob Bironas kicked like he wanted the Steelers to win. Yep, this team=suspicious…They pulled out a win against Jawbreaker, 89-68.

Gonzalez y Gonzalez v. the Big Fat Ugly Dudes
This is my home league team, and like years before, I can’t win. This team like the Crazy 88’s is suspect. I lined-up: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-LaDanian Tomlinson, Darren Sproles, WR-Anthony Gonzalez, Larry Fitzgerald, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. Everybody knows by now that I hate how ESPN Scores (lost 3 points on Chargers and who knows how many on Sproles). The second Gonzalez of the name went down with a knee injury (out 3-6 weeks), did I mention LT’s ankle, and Jay Cutler forgot that his teammates do not wear Green and Gold. Mr. T. J. Championship gave me 4 points. Gonzalez y Gonzalez was spanked 73-99 by the Big Fat Ugly Dudes.

So, I finished this week 3-1. I lost a quarterback, a running back, and a wide receiver. I picked up Michael Bennett, a running back for the San Diego Chargers. He performed well during the preseason (but that was preseason). I hope he repeats that performance during LT’s absence. I picked up Justin Gage at wide receiver to replace Anthony Gonzalez, Byron Leftwich for Donovan, and Mark Sanchez for Crybaby Cutler. That’s it for the week that was. Wish me luck guys…Just remember-“Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it.” - Heywood Hale Broun. Good Fantasy week, y’all!