Friday, June 26, 2009

To the Ladies...

Today, I am going to talk about ladies and fantasy football. Let's be real for a moment shall we. There are those girls who watch football because of the hot guys. That's cool. There are those girls who watch football only because their husband or boyfriend watches. Whatever. Then, there are those women who watch football because they love the game, admire the athleticism, and genuinely enjoy watching someone bring the pain every Sunday. That would be me.

Don't get me wrong I recognize the handsome fellows who play the game. I'm not blind, but let's face it, just because a dude is cute does not mean he is going to deliver the knock out blow to the fools in my league. (Sorry, I am preparing my trash talk.)

So, ladies, while I don't usually offer advice, I'm going to give some anyway:

  1. Ladies, don't join a league because your boyfriend is in it. It's all fun in games until you beat him, and yes, he will be mad if you beat him. He will pretend he isn't, but he is.
  2. Don't plan other pointless activities if your boyfriend is in a league or during football season for that matter. Let it go. Nothing is worse than a needy woman who interrupts the damn game to talk about her feelings, or plans dinner with the parents on his draft day. Talk about your feelings on Tuesday afternoon (Tuesday morning is for checking final scores), Wednesday, Friday, and some Thursdays. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday is Football. Deal with it. Same goes to those sensitive men who don't like football. I won't bother you during Masterpiece Theatre, so don't bother me during Monday Night Football.
  3. Ladies, if your are going to play fantasy football. Play for real. Don't put your team in pink uniforms, no one, and I mean, no one will take you seriously. I played another lady last year, and my single goal was to systematically dismantle her team because she chose pink team colors. You disgust me, lady. You don't have to put a skull or flame on the side of your team helmet, but you better not put a pink letter. By the way, spanked her every time we played.
  4. Ladies, do not pick players for the following reasons: Oooo, what a cute uniform! Oooo, he's cute! They will not get you points, and other members of the league will be forced to laugh at you. You may get lucky once, but that will be about it.

Now, just for fun, I will give you ten good looking guys who will get you points in the world of fantasy. They are in no particular order and by position. By the way, do take the time to learn what each position does and how it contributes to the team.


Tom Brady-New England Patriots: Okay, he's not my speed, but I am told that he is a good looking guy. Whatever. He was injured during the first game of the season when he injured his knee. He also developed a staph infection in the same knee. That said, in 2007, Brady was a fantasy big shot. He threw for 4806 yards and 50 touchdowns with only 8 interceptions. Don't expect the 50 touchdowns, but all of his other numbers should be about the same unless the mind plays tricks on him. Plus, he is throwing to Randy Moss and Wes Welker.

Drew Brees-New Orleans Saints-Not only is Brees cute, he delivers on the field as well. In 2008, Brees threw for 5,069 yards and 34 touchdowns, but he also threw 17 interceptions (which will cost you points). Even so he finished the fantasy football season as the number one quarterback in most leagues and is projected to finish near the top this year.

Running Backs

LaDanian Tomlinson-San Diego Chargers: I am biased when it comes to LT. You can't help, but love that smile. He was hurt last year, but he swears he's better this year. Even so, LT had 1110 rushing yards last year with 11 rushing TDs. He also had 426 recieving yards with 1 touchdown. Not bad for an off year. LT is still a top 10 running back (#1 if by looks alone).

Adrian Peterson-Minnesota Vikings: Another cutie, but he is a fantasy demon (he alone beat one of my teams last year). He finished one or two in most leagues last year. He finished the year with 1760 rushing yards and ten rushing touchdowns. He also had 125 receiving yards. He is projected to finish #1 this year. He should get plenty of touches considering his quarterback situation in Minnesota

Wide Receivers

Larry Fitzgerald-Arizona Cardinals: Normally, not for the long hair, but the dreads work for Mr. Fitzgerald. He is a part of one of, if not the best, wide receiver tandems in the league with Anquan Boldin. Fitzgerald finished the season last year with 1431 yards and 12 touchdowns and an appearance in the Super Bowl. Not bad, not bad at all. He finished #1 in practically every league last year and is projected to be top five this year.

Vincent Jackson-San Diego Chargers: Very cute and quite productive. Don't get me wrong, he is by no means a top ten receiver. Face it, the top receiver for the Chargers is usually TE Antonio Gates. Jackson benefitted from Gates' injury last year. Jackson is a top twenty receiver and will probably not be swept up until probably the 4th round. But, if we are going just on looks, you can't go wrong with Vincent Jackson. He finished the season with 1098 yards and seven touchdowns. He even tacked on 69 rushing yards. But beware, he may have to serve a suspension at some point in the season because of an offseason DUI (That bothered me, and I am wavering on VJ, but this is about looks anyway).

Tight Ends

Tony Gonzalez-Atlanta Falcons: First and foremost, it sucks having to say that Tony Gonzalez is an Atlanta Falcon. Now, I will admit I thought Tony was cute when he played for Cal so it was awesome that he was drafted by my favorite team. Not only is Tony the best looking Tight End in the league, he is the best to ever play the position (please don't send letters about Kellen Winslow, Sr., John Mackey, and Mike Ditka. I know how great they were, and I still would take Tony.). He holds practically every record available to tight ends including, touchdowns and receptions. He was the #1 fantasy tight end last season finishing with 1058 yards and 10 touchdowns. He was thrown to by three different quarterbacks last year. This year, he will be the target of Matty Ice, Matt Ryan, and he is projected to finish any where from 1st to 5th this season.

Antonio Gates-San Diego Chargers: The second best tight end, ha-ha. He is the best in the AFC, now that Gonzalez is in the NFC (which sucks for K2, Shockey, Whitten and Cooley). Actually, Gonzalez and Gates were 1 and 2 for a while, but Antonio has been dealing with injuries the last couple of years. That said, Antonio Gates finished as the 3rd or 4th fantasy tight end in most leagues last year with 704 yards and 8 touchdowns. He is projected to finish anywhere from 1st to 5th this year.


Most leagues pick an entire defense from a team or two. Some leagues pick individual defensive players. Make sure you know which rules your league is following. That said, two hottest and productive defensive players...

Shawne Merriman-Outside Linebacker San Diego Chargers: I know that I am picking a lot of Chargers, but they are the AFC West champs. Merriman only played one game last season before having surgery to repair a torn PCL and LCL (Merry Christmas, Tennessee). Prior to the injury, Merriman led the league with 39.5 sacks over the first three years of his career. After a year on the sideline, I think Merriman is due to return to his All Pro and Pro Bowl form and vault the Chargers back among the elite defenses. He will be terrorizing quarterbacks well into the playoffs and look good doing it!

Jason Taylor-Defensive End Miami Dolphins: Last year was an off season for this former Dancing with the Stars hottie. He had a calf injury, and he only registered 29 total tackles and 3.5 sacks a dip from the 11 sacks of the year before. I also don't think that Taylor was ever really happy in Washington. He seems happier this year and is back in Miami with Joey Porter. If he stays healthy, expect Taylor to have a good year.

I don't look at kickers. I just pick the highest one left. They shift from year to year anyway. So, girls if you have to pick a hottie for your team here are some good looking guys who also tear up the field. Next week, I will spend time truly evaluating the fantasy positions based on actual skills rather than looks.

1 comment:

  1. Well, be it all good advice coming from a ravaging sports addicted woman, I find one problem with you advice/argument, if you will. In every relationship I believe there should exist some form of give and take. The man and the woman must both be willing to sacrifice something for the betterment of the relationship. If comes down to it, maybe the man should give up some of his football/fantasy football attention and focus it towards the woman and her needs. Equally though if the man does that then the woman should also make some concession(s) along the lines of: hanging out less with the girlfriends, shopping less, being supportive in all the decisions of the man, being a little less controlling, and last but not least, be open to new ideas.