Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Why I'm Not Married....

Yesterday, while I was at work, one of the ladies I follow on Twitter tweeted a link to Tracy McMillan's article for Huffington Post entitled "Why You're Not Married." I decided to read it, because, well, I'm 36, and my family is a little confused as to why I'm not married. They are also a little concerned about why I've only had one meaningful relationship in my entire life. They were also curious as to why I have only been on about a dozen actual dates (most of which were during that meaningful realtionship). One uncle even hypothosized that I was a lesbian. I'm not. So, I decided to read the article to see what my problem was. Ms. McMillian presented her top six reasons for women my age aren't married.

#1-You're a b*tch. Her theory is that we are angry, at everything. Let me see...this...is true. I'm pretty much angry a pretty good deal of the time, but not in public. I can be a b*tch, don't get me wrong, but for the most part, I was taught to smile in public and always be polite, even when I'm not in the mood, which is most of the time. I really don't feel comfortable in public. I don't like people touching me. The touching thing...Well, that goes back to childhood. I don't really like people hugging me. My mom and grandmother respected this and didn't bother me with it. My mom informed me that most of her kids are odd ducks...she didn't let our oddities bother her. I'm never gonna be a giggly girl. Sarcastic...most definitely. This often relagates me to being the best friend of the opposite sex *shrug*. So, I'm a b*tch...I'm okay with that...

#2-You're shallow. Yep. I am. I'm very shallow. If you met the gene pool I've had to work with you would be shallow, too. I want my children to be better than me. I don't need a CEO, a football player, doctor, or a lawyer. At this point in life, I'd settle for gainfully employed. Character is a big deal with me, but why can't I have it in a nice package. I drive a Mazda Protege, it's practical and cute. Why can't I want that in a man? He doesn't have to be Tony Gonzalez, but that doesn't mean I have to settle for Shabba Ranks either. Problem is...I live in a town with a little over 25,000 people. Most of the moderately educated people my age are either married, gay, related to me, or out of town. There are not enough educated black men to go around. It's not to say that I would not date outsideof my race if the opportunity presented itself, but I would prefer a black man. Sue me. He doesn't have to have a BA, MA, Ph.D, but read a freaking book. Sorry, I don't do stupid. I can't do stupid. I won't tolerate stupid.

#3-You're a slut. Yeaaah...about that. I am a virgin. Sooooo...doesn't not apply to me. I want a relationship. If you are dating me for sex, bye. It's not going to happen. Listen carefully. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I've heard all of the lines. If you loved me you would, I don't that's why I won't. Too much...hit the bricks, homey. I am not going to waste my 36 years of self-restraint on some random fool. If that means I'll die a virgin, I not the first, and I won't be the last.

#4-You're a liar. Nope. This is why I'm single. I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear. If you don't appeal to me, I'm not going to string you along just to have a boyfriend. I went on a date once. He came back to my house. He was a nice guy, but he was too old, and we had nothing, and I mean nothing in common, so I told him that he should look elsewhere. He was all rodeo. I don't like dirt. That is not gonna work. He wanted to keep talking. Five minutes, later I was watching some random show and virtually ignoring him. It took another hour for him to get that I don't like horses. I don't like animals. Why lie? I told one guy that I didn't believe in kissing on the first date. I also told him I don't like kissing someone who has been drinking. Why? It makes me nauseated. He came on too strong. He did not understand no. I threw up on him. He never called back, which is what I wanted anyway. That was a win-win in my opinion. I'm not gonna lie. Sorry...It's me, and it's you.

#5-You're selfish. Yep. I am. I'm always upfront about that, too. I am one of 5 children, but I was raised by my grandmother-alone. I might as well have been an only child. This is why I don't have children. Selfish parents don't make really good parents. I'm thinking if I do this, I can buy myself this. If I want to buy a new shirt, I don't have to think about whether or not the kids have shoes. As long as my bills are paid, I'm not worrying about asking somebody. I'm not quite ready to give that up yet. I've never asked a man for money, and I won't unless it's a loan, and I am determined to pay it back. Period. Don't get me wrong, I will help people as much as I can. I do give, especially to charity. That relationship I referred to earlier, he wondered why I never called him. I told him: 1-I didn't have a phone in my dorm room, because my mother thought it was an unncessary expense. 2-I had $0.50 for the pay phone, but I wanted a Dr. Pepper instead. He handed my $0.50. After he left, I bought another Dr. Pepper. He called and asked why I hadn't called him. I said, I just saw him what else was there to say. Love ya, bye.

#6-You're not good enough. Nope. I'm really too vain. I'm a chubby chick with a vanity complex. I don't know where it comes from. To paraphrase Terrell Owens, "I love me some me." Considering my gene pool, I'm smarter than I have any right to be. I would have thought I was switched at birth if I didn't look like my dad. I overcame that "you're not good enough" complex after my 1st year in college, after that failed relationship. The reason that relationship failed. I was the other woman. I found out because his girlfriend sat behind me in Zoology. I thought to myself. WTH? I could have cursed him out, and I did. I could have called him bad things, and I did. Ultimately, I told him that I don't share. *see #5. BTW, I don't think she ever found out. I didn't really care. He was her man. If she'd asked, I would have told her the truth.

Many of Ms. McMillan's points were quite valid. But, the real reason I'm not married...I'm lazy. I don't go to bars. I don't drink, and that is the main point of going to bars. I don't like crowds. Smoke gives me massive headaches. I haven't been on a date in 5 years. I'm not going to ask a guy out. I don't feel like doing anything, but letting my brain air out after spending 8 hours a day with the drama that is high school. I don't feel like dressing up. I don't want to drive out of town. I'd rather spend the money that it would cost to do E-Harmony or Match.com on a DVD, computer equipment, or gas. Honestly, I've lost interest. I'd rather be tweeting, blogging, reading, watching crime shows. Does seeing my former students and friends marry picque that interest? Sure, it does. Then, I remember. I hate cleaning up after other people, I cook when I feel like it, and I like my nice big bed-that I have-to myself. Does seeing my relatives have babies cause me to want one? Sure it does, until it pukes and poops. Then, I'm over it. I don't think I actually want to get married. I think I just want a wedding and the gifts. At least, I'm honest....I really need football season to come back...

Until next time, "I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love."-Marilyn Monroe.


  1. Who is McMillan to say that ANYONE is not good enough to be married?
    I have a friend who hates being touched, she's a big germaphobe but it also bleeds into her romantic relationships. I mean she'll get down and all but I seem to recall her saying she's not so much into kissing. And she doesn't like to hug folks unless she absolutely has to.

  2. Very nice post! Sarcastic, no kids, and has morals? I've seen more unicorns over the past five years than I've seen women like that! I'm so glad you're not one to settle on Shabba Ranks and not ultimately end up happy. Take your time and if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, then life can still be good. I wish I could tack this post to the foreheads of some of my co-workers who love being "Ho of The Month" just to get attention.