I Scream-ed at what the Devil I Saw with all the Paranormal Activity in the NFL-Picks from a Maniac Maenad Week 8

Happy Halloween, everybody!!! It has been a scary year in the NFL. With few exceptions such as New York Jets, New England Patriots, and Pittsburgh Steelers, it seems no team wants to truly wants to rule their divisions. Reigning Super Bowl champions the New Orleans Saints were smacked around at home by the Cleveland Browns...yes, those Cleveland Browns. Can you believe it? My Chiefs are alone in 1st place in the AFC West. I know, right...

The Dallas Cowboys are the most talked about 1-5 team second only to the 2-4 Minnesota Vikings. The Cowboys are now without their quarterback Tony Romo who will be out for the next 6-8 weeks with a broken clavicle (which in my humble opinion means he will not be back this year...I wouldn't if I were him). The Cowboys, as always, are great on paper, on the field...not so much. Now, they rest their hopes on the great Jon Kitna. Good luck with that 'Boys. The Minnesota Vikings are dealing with their wishy-washy coach Brad Childress and his temperamental quarterback Mr. Fredricksen, I mean, Mr. Favre. It seems now Paw-Paw's ankle is fractured, and it may be the cause of the end of his 291 game start streak. Paw-Paw...you have had a great career, but you have become a caricature of yourself with the Jenn Sterger debacle, the bad wheels, and general negative feelings about you, it might just behoove you to call it done and go come on home and rock on in the land of Favre.

Elsewhere, Cincinnati continues to flounder with their lackluster performances. The reigning AFC West Champion San Diego Chargers are, well, sucking. A. J., the sounds you are hearing is the cold, damp wind blowing in the basement of the AFC west. This team was picked by many to finally win the Super Bowl that has been just within their grasp for the last few years. Underachieving does not begin to explain the fall to last place. Then, there are the Broncos who have continued their slippage from last season. Last week, they were humiliated at home by the Raiders who spanked them 59-17. Excuse me? What's up, Lil' Hoodie? This year has not been good to former Dynasties, just look at the San Francisco 49ers. No, seriously, look at them...at least try. What is going on? I'm one of the suckers who picked them to go somewhere this year. I guess that somewhere turned out to be Ticketmaster because that's the only way they will get near the Super Bowl this year. At least, San Francisco still has the Giants...

It is criminal the things that are happening to my fantasy football teams. Last week, my Runtelldat Homeboys were smacked around with a final score of 43-187...43-187. Yes, there was a 1-8-7 on the Runtelldat Homeboys knocking them down to 12th place. *Sigh...I may have to retire from fantasy at the end of this season.

• Hecates's HellHounds of the League of Champions league: 5-2 (Platinum, I hope it lasts)
  
• Kansas City Chiefs of the Dynasty Orginization League: 2-5 (three game losing streak)
  
• Runtelldat Homeboys of the Big Easy League: 2-5 (I can hear the bugler licking his lips.)
  
• The Cromartie Eight of the Football Fist Pump League: 3-4 (trying to walk by themselves)
  
• Matching Mugshots of the Atypical Sports Show League: 1-6 (Lost again...nothing to see here.)
  

I went 7-6 last week which brings my record to 49-39. So, here are my week eight picks:

Washington Redskins vs. Detroit Lions: Washington

Buffalo Bills vs. Kansas City Chiefs: Kansas City

Carolina Panthers vs. St. Louis Rams: St. Louis

Denver Broncos vs. San Francisco 49ers: San Francisco (c'mon, guys, get it together!)

Green Bay Packers vs. New York Jets: New York Jets

Miami Dolphins vs. Cincinnati Bengals: Miami

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Dallas Cowboys: Jacksonville

Tennessee Titans vs. San Diego Chargers: Tennessee

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Arizona Cardinals: Tampa Bay

Minnesota Vikings vs. New England Patriots: New England

Seattle Seahawks vs. Oakland Raiders: Seattle

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. New Orleans Saints: Pittsburgh

Monday Night Football: Houston Texans vs. Indianapolis Colts: Indianapolis

That's all I've got, ghosts and ghouls! Have a fun, safe, and Happy Halloween! Until next week, "Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors."~Frank Gifford

Picks from a Maniac Maenad-Week 7

Welcome back, everybody...It's week 7 in the NFL, and we are almost at the halfway point. Outside of the New York Jets and the Steelers, it doesn't seem like anyone really wants to step up and take control of a division. The NFL went after the "headhunting" players and instituted new rules on tackling, while fining Brandon Meriweather, James Harrison, and Dunta Robinson for their week 6 hits. Harrison threatened to retire, and when everyone pretty much ignored him, slinked back to practice. My Chiefs have now lost two in a row. Quick recovery, boys, quick recovery.

Rumors are running wild as to where Shawne Merriman will land when he land-San Francisco? Baltimore? Washington? *Shrug* It was announced that Vincent Jackson was going to finally report to the Chargers in time to serve a 3 game suspension from the team, while his team is floundering posting losses to the Raiders and the Rams. The Chargers also have to deal with injuries to their seemingly cursed Linebacking corps. and to tight end Antonio Gates. Junior Seau was arrested, and then promptly drove his Cadillac Escalade off a cliff. Peyton Manning lost two receivers: WR Austin Collie for a couple of weeks, TE Dallas Clark for the season. The Dallas Cowboys and the San Francisco 49ers continue to circle the toilet bowl which has become their season. Favre met with NFL officials, and his wife did the talk show rounds...zzzzzzz. Ben Roethlisberger played well. Jacksonville and Tennessee played one of the worse Monday Night Football game ever, both of the starting quarterbacks were knocked out of the game, and it still beat the ALCS in the ratings.

It would be awesome if one week all of my fantasy teams would win, but alas, it is not to be.

• Hecates's HellHounds of the League of Champions league: 4-2 (Slipped up last week)
  
• Kansas City Chiefs of the Dynasty Orginization League: 2-4 (Still stinking up the joint)
  
• Runtelldat Homeboys of the Big Easy League: 2-4 (It's 14:59)
  
• The Cromartie Eight of the Football Fist Pump League: 2-4 (Finally won a second game)
  
• Matching Mugshots of the Atypical Sports Show League: 1-5 (Finally, won a game-The same week as the 49ers)

I went 8-6 for my picks last week bringing my record to 42-33. So, here are my picks for this week *drawing them out of the hat.* It can't be any worse than the rest right?

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Miami Dolphins: Pittsburgh

Cleveland Browns vs. New Orleans Saints: New Orleans

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Kansas City Chiefs: Kansas City Chiefs

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Tennessee Titans: Philadelphia Eagles

Buffalo Bills vs. Baltimore Ravens: Baltimore Ravens

Washington Redskins vs. Chicago Bears: Washington Redskins

San Francisco 49ers vs. Carolina Panthers: San Francisco 49ers

St. Louis Rams vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Arizona Cardinals vs. Seattle Seahawks: Arizona Cardinals

New England Patriots vs. San Diego Chargers: New England Patriots

Oakland Raiders vs. Denver Broncos: Denver Broncos

Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers: Minnesota Vikings

Monday Night Football-New York Giants vs. Dallas Cowboys: New York Giants

Until next week guys, "Individual commitment to a group effort - that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work. "-Vince Lombardi

Picks from a Maniac Maenad-Week 6

It's week six, y'all, and what a week it's been. Controversy abounds. Parity is running rampant. My Chiefs are no longer unbeaten. Five weeks into the seasons, and most of us are looking at are pre-season predictions and wondering how did we get it so wrong. The Cowboys and Chargers are floundering in the basements of their divisions. I mean, even as a Chiefs fan, I never imagined they would be on top of the AFC West this late in the season (no, I don't have delusions that they will win the West, but my team is looking far better than they did last year. No comment, on Cassel).

Coaches Wade Phillips and Mike Singletary both received votes of confidence from their perspective owners. (I don't really see either of them standing at the end of the year unless they have an honest to God, walk on water miracle). Then, Wade Phillips felt the need to "diss" Tony Dungy who felt that Tony Romo may not be a good enought leader. "Oh no, you did-ent." (Wow, that was a horrible allusion). Uhm, Wade, Tony actually made an NFL team, while you did not. Tony has a Super Bowl ring, and the only ring you've seen is the one Jerry Jones flashes from the last decade and the one in your bathtub.

Shawne Merriman was put on IR with a minor injury designation which pretty much ends his career with the Chargers (Dear Kansas City, New Orleans, Atlanta: I'm going to need one of you to grab him for my sake, 'kay). Tom Brady was dissed by Justin Bieber for having hair like-wait for it-Justin Bieber. This from a kid, who is not a female, who just released a line of nail polish. Tom, let me introduce you to the scissors. Brett Favre is still in trouble with the league for his alleged improprities with Jenn Sterger, has elbow tendonitis, and was hit in the crotch with football this week. Karma. I also like how nobody stops to check on him. Where's the love guys?

Aaron Rodgers has a concussion, Clay Matthews is hurt, Ryan Grant is out for the year, and Nick Barnett had surgery and is out for the year. Why am I hearing the M.A.S.H. theme song, when I think about the Packers? Ben Roethlisberger, Santonio Holmes, and Brian Cushing are back, to which I shrug. Breaking News: Anthony Gonzalez and Bob Sanders are at press time still injured.

I am coming to the realization that maybe I should be spending my Sundays doing something more beneficial than playing fantasy football, because my teams stink like a day old basket of gym socks after a game. Despite big names that appear on my fantasy roster, my teams are still well, turrible.

• Hecates's HellHounds of the League of Champions league: 4-1 (The Diamond standard)
  
• Kansas City Chiefs of the Dynasty Orginization League: 2-3 (An embarrasment to the real Chiefs)
  
• Runtelldat Homeboys of the Big Easy League: 2-3 (15 minutes of fame are just about up)
  
• The Cromartie Eight of the Football Fist Pump League: 1-4 (About to be put up for adoption)
  
• Matching Mugshots of the Atypical Sports Show League: 0-5 (Should be jailed until next year like their namesake. I should have never changed my team name.)

Last week, I went an anemic 5-9, which makes my record to date: 34-27. I'm still above .500.
Taking a deep breath and diving in...

Atlanta vs. Philadelphia: Atlanta

Kansas City vs. Houston: *holding my breath* Kansas City (I'm just being a good fan, I don't believe that either)

New Orleans vs. Tampa Bay: Tampa Bay has been a hard out these last few weeks, and they always bring their A game against the Saints. I'm still taking New Orleans.

Miami vs. Green Bay: Green Bay has a lot of injuries and burned me last week, but I'm sticking with my pick. Green Bay

San Diego vs. St. Louis: San Diego lost to the Raiders last week. The Raiders!!! St. Louis.

Baltimore vs. New England: Baltimore

Detroit vs. New York Giants: New York Giants. Eli, you better not.

Cleveland vs. Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh

Seattle vs. Chicago: Chicago

New York Jets vs. Denver: New York Jets

Oakland vs. San Francisco: San Francisco better win this game.

Dallas vs. Minnesota: It is a must win for both teams. *flipping a coin* *2 outta 3* Dallas

Indianapolis vs. Washington: Indy

Monday Night Football: Tennessee vs. Jacksonville. Tennessee

That's all folks. Until next week, "One cannot too soon forget his errors and misdemeanors; for to dwell upon them is to add to the offense." ~Henry David Thoreau

My Quality Man...

Earlier today, I was perusing Twitter, and the following question came up: "Women, what is your idea of a quality man, besides deep pockets." I thought about this. I know my readers are rolling their eyes thinking, "She's thinking about Tony Gonzalez or Shawne Merriman." LOL...No... When I look into my crystal ball and try to see the quality man of my future, neither of them are in the equation. I think most guys think that every girl is desperate to get married.

Well, I'm not desperate to get married. Don't get me wrong, I would like to get married someday, but for the right reasons. Not because someone thinks I should. Besides, I think a gentleman must be involved. So until he appears, this is my ideal quality man.

He doesn't have to be rich, but he does have to have a job. While I prefer a job with a suit and a tie, I will accept a laborer who is seeking to advance and better himself. If you are content with being a janitor at the Stop and Shop or a night shift security guard-Keep it moving...I want a guy at least in the same salary range as me. Since I don't expect you to take care of me, I'm sure as H-E-Double Hockey Sticks not taking care of you.

I want a spiritual guy. Notice, I didn't say a religious guy. Spiritual guys are those who understand the concept of spirituality without falling into hypocrisy. Sue me. Look at all of the adulterous Bible-thumpers. I want someone who has read the Bible, understands the passages, and apply them to his everyday life. Not someone who is crawling to church after rubbing every girl at the club the night before, NO THANKS.

I want an educated man. Self-educated, college-educated, I don't care as long as he is educated, and seeks to constantly improve himself.

I want a man who is accepting of all people. I mean, ALL people, not just a few. I have relatives and friends that fall into mentally challenged, physically challenged, mental disorders, homosexual, transvestite, and all races. I love them all, because of who they are, and how they have help to shape my life.

I want a man who understands that I may not want to have a child. Honestly, I'd rather adopt. There are so many wonderful children who need a good home that I would prefer that route than natural children.

I want a man who acts and dresses like a grown up. I don't want someone who is over thirty and dressing like Lil Wayne. I don't want to see your underwear when you are standing or sitting down. That's for later. I want a guy who knows how to tie his own tie (cause I don't) and wears one at the appropriate times.

I want a man who understands that at times I need to be alone. A-L-O-N-E. That means, no people. I need it. I spend almost 9 hours a day with people. I need at least an hour or so alone. I want my own bathroom and closet, too. That is non-negotiable.

I want a man who will not refer to me as a wifey, dime, or whatever. Those titles are disrespectful to me. I don't want a man who will refer to a woman's anatomy as t*ts or p**sy or refer to his privates at all. I don't need you describing all the various sex acts, you are great at. One, because I'm a virgin, how the heck would I know you weren't, and two, my mother told me that men who talk about it too much probably aren't getting it as much as they say, and they probably suck. I don't want those words coming out of your mouth, outside of the bedroom, where they belong. They don't belong in music, polite conversation, or twitter. If you are a great lover, you will show me, not tell me, and not until you respect me.

I want a man who understands that I don't want to talk to you during the game, unless it is about the game. I don't care what game is on. I would prefer a Chiefs fan, but I will settle for a football fan who preferably doesn't root for Dallas, Denver, Oakland or San Diego, unless they can handle my constant hatred for their teams. A real man can handle the fact that I hate his team. Deal with it.

Ultimately, I want a man who respects me. Respect me enough not to lie to me. If you want to move on, say so. Respect me enough to treat me like a queen, and I will treat you like a king.

I want a man who loves me so much, that when he takes those vows, he's not just saying them, he means them with all of his heart. That's all I want...

Until next time, "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."~Marilyn Monroe

In Defense of Shawne Merriman...

Hey, guys! I know, there are a couple of my readers curious as to my feelings about the situation with Shawne Merriman and the San Diego Chargers this week. If you haven’t heard by now, and I really can’t imagine why you haven’t, Merriman was placed on IR with a minor injury stipulation, which means in 6 weeks, if he is healthy, the Chargers have to release him. For all practical purposes, his days as a San Diego Charger are done.

I had heard that there was a potential chance for Merriman to be cut. Even so, I was still surprised to hear that they were taking this route, but then again I was surprised when A.J. Smith fired Marty Schottenheimer after a 14-2 season. *Shrug* So, for the next 6 weeks, the NFL will be Merriman-less. I’m glad the Chiefs have a winning record.

The thing that really surprised me, however, was the number of negative comments made by some San Diego “fans.” First, there were the ones who commented, “get rid of the bum because he hasn’t been any good since he got off the ‘roids.”

1. Merriman tested positive in April of 2006. He was suspended in September of 2006. He deserved the suspension, because even if you are “unaware” of a substance is in the supplement, you are responsible for getting it tested. He was suspended without pay for four weeks. He lost more in those 4 weeks than most of us will make in 4 years. Not to mention, it cost him the Defensive player of the Year. Plus, he has the dubious honor of having an NFL rule named after him.

2. He finished the 2006 season with the following stats: 62 tackles, 17 sacks, 7 PDef, and an interception.

3. He finished the 2007 season with the following stats: 68 tackles, 12.5 sacks, 4 PDef.

That doesn’t look like a fall off to me; therefore, the “roids” argument doesn’t wash, so let that argument go, because it doesn’t hold water.

Then, there were the ones who commented, “he is an off-field distraction, who has delusions of Hollywood more than football.” Really? Name an NFL player who isn’t trying to make it in Hollywood? So, that’s not Shaun Phillips on Kick Off Cook Off. Philip Rivers isn’t in that ESPN commercial. Apparently, Antonio Gates doesn't do commercials or the ESPYs either. Football careers are short lived. These guys have to make a dime anyway they can. If Hollywood is willing to give them the money, I have two words-take it. That whole business with Pro Football Talk was to be done on the nights most players go out and party. I would rather have my players in a studio talking football, than getting drunk in a club (as long as he didn’t discuss out playbook). Don't start me on Peyton Manning...

Arrests. Shaun Phillips was arrested in 2006 for resisting arrest and was cited for slapping a security guard in 2009. Plus, he has an impending civil case in Las Vegas for allegedly slapping a 54 year-old woman. No, distractions there. The guy you protest to miss and need so much, Vincent Jackson was arrested and sentenced not once but twice for driving under the influence. By all means, give him whatever he wants. Plus, Jackson was arrested for driving with a supended license the morning of the playoff game with the Jets (a game in which he received a 15 yard penalty for kicking Rex Ryan's challenge flag). By all means, welcome him. Merriman was arrested, released, charges dismissed for his alleged "assault" on Tila Nguyen. You guys want to defend a woman who claimed she was pregnant by a rapper, not pregnant by a rapper, but a surrogate for her brother, but not a surrogate for her brother, cause she's not pregnant, but engaged to marry a woman who dies shortly after the engagement. Those are just the ones that popped up in my newspapers. Yet, several people called him a woman beater. *eyes rolling*

Merriman's injury came on December 9, 2007 after a cheap shot hit on him in "retaliation" for Vince Young running into him. David Stewart and Kevin Mawae were fined a total of $17,500 for that hit on Merriman. The Chargers doctors diagnosed Merriman with knee ligament "sprains." His missed one game and played the rest of the season virtually on one leg, because those "sprains" were actually tears to his PCL and LCL.

Did you forget the rematch a few weeks later in the playoffs where Merriman 4 tackles, 1 sack and a FF? ON ONE LEG. Playing the next week against Indy with 5 tackles and 1 PDef. ON ONE LEG. Playing the next week and the Pro Bowl. Okay. So maybe he should have taken off the Pro Bowl and had surgery. He still would have only played a hand full of games in 2008, and the injury takes at least a year to fully recover. So, he tried to play in 2008 with one leg. Surgery. He comes back pulled groin and plantar fasciitis. He only had 4 sacks and 28 tackles in 2009. If sacks are the only stat you look at, Nick Barnett and Patrick Willis also only had four. Ray Lewis only had 3. Granted they had far more tackles, but most of you are really only looking at the sack stat, Merriman was not really drafted for his tackling. It was for the sacks. Good luck sacking even the slowest quarterback with those injuries. My point is...HE PLAYED!!!

Then, there is this year. Yes, yes. The ill-advised sit out, but he showed up. Then, there was the Achilles. Then, there was the calf-strain. So, now he's done Charger fans. He's about to be where most of you want him, on his way to being "someone else's problem." So, Shawne here's what you do. Rest the leg. Get therapy on the Achilles and calf. Repeat. Take whatever the next team offers that reasonable. Don't hem and haw too much. Don't talk about it at all. Take the deal. Take the field, and model your comeback after Drew Brees, who they thought was washed up, too.

Good luck, Shawne...

Until next time, "The best revenge is massive success."~Frank Sinatra

Picks from a Maniac Maenad-Week 5

Hey, guys! Welcome to week 5! I apologize for my absence last week during my Chiefs bye...My real job, as you guys know, often takes a lot of time and prep, end of excuse. Anyway I'M BACK!!!! No more bye weeks!!! So, what's happening this week...I'm still having trouble believing that my Chiefs are 3-0 and the last undefeated. Guess who they get next...Peyton...sigh...The biggest news of the week was that Randy Moss, his beard, and the Pats' seventh-round draft pick in 2012 were traded from the Patriots to the Vikings for a third-round 2011 draft pick. Fans are looking forward to the Monday Night game. Will Darrelle Revis be able to strand Moss on Revis Island? Meanwhile, Brett Favre was hoping this trade would divert attention from his naughty little problem. Allegedly, Favre sent salacious texts and pictures of a part of his anatomy that I would rather not think about to a former Jets employee/Playboy model/Versus girl Jenn Sterger. Sigh, now really, Paw-Paw. That's just...creepy...ewww...uber-creepy...ewww...

In other news, the suspendeds are coming, the suspendeds are coming...Ben Roethlisberger is returning after serving his suspension for being a "naughty boy." I still hate him. Brian Cushing is returning after his PEDs suspension. Santonio Holmes finally shows up in a Jets uniform. Hopefully, all of these "bad boys" have learned their lesson and will never, EVER, commit these infractions again...*side-eye*

In injury news, my fantasy football curse has struck again. It appears that just merely appearing on my roster will get you hurt. It's like the kiss of death. So far, it has effected the Green Bay Packers the worse having taken out both Ryan Grant and Nick Barnett. They join Ray Rice, Pierre Thomas, Ryan Mathews, (apparently, Running Backs are the worse), Shawne Merriman and multiple others on the Chargers DEF/ST, Clinton Portis, Ahmad Bradshaw, Austin Collie, Matt Stafford, and Pierre Garcon. I will not be held responsible for Anthony Gonzalez...That dude is apparently made of glass and porcelain.

Well, y'all despite the big names that appear on my fantasy roster, a quarter of the way through the season, my teams are still not fairing well.

• Hecates's HellHounds of the League of Champions league: 3-1
• Kansas City Chiefs of the Dynasty Orginization League: 2-2
• Runtelldat Homeboys of the Big Easy League: 2-2
  
• The Cromartie Eight of the Football Fist Pump League: 1-3
• Matching Mugshots of the Atypical Sports Show League: 0-4

Hecate's HellHounds are performing very well, while Matching Mugshots are the 49ers of my fantasy teams. SMH...Sigh...I think I might need to retire as a fantasy manager. This is just sad...

Before my hiatus, I was 18-13. I went 11-5 in week 3, bringing my current record to 29-18. Not bad, a heck of a lot better than my fantasy record.

Green Bay Packers at Washington Redskins: Green Bay

Jacksonville Jaguars at Buffalo Bills: Jacksonville

Kansas City Chiefs at Indianapolis Colt: Kansas City. I've got to stand behind my boys.

Atlanta Falcons at Cleveland Brown: Atlanta

Denver Broncos at Baltimore Raven: Baltimore

Chicago Bears at Carolina Panther: Chicago

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati

St. Louis Rams at Detroit Lions: St. Louis

New York Giants at Houston Texans: Houston

New Orleans Saints at Arizona Cardinals: New Orleans

Tennessee Titans at Dallas Cowboys: Dallas

San Diego Chargers at Oakland Raiders: San Diego

Philadelphia Eagles at San Francisco 49ers: San Francisco

Monday Night Football-Minnesota Vikings at New York Jets: New York Jets

Those are my picks guys. Same time, same place next week. Until next time, "One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Alan Shearer