NFL Week 14: Only One Quarter of the Season Left

Ladies and gentle, we are, as they like to say, into the home stretch. Three-fourths of the season is now behind us, and most of us are wondering how it passed by so fast. The 49ers, Jets, Browns, and Jaguars have been eliminated from playoff contention.  Other than the Niners, did anybody really give those other three teams a real shot? They are fighting for draft position now.

Did you see the Chiefs game in Atlanta?  I did, and man was it a nail-biter! Eric Berry and Tyreek Hill put on a clinic in the ATL, but boy was I nervous when the Falcons lined up for that two-point conversion. Thank goodness for Eric Berry who already had a pick-six and snatched another from Matt Ryan taking the Chiefs from a one point loss to a one point victory. Then, they turned around and played the Raiders at Arrowhead stadium.  The Raiders came in to the game in first place in the AFC West and left the game in second. Like Sunday's game, it wasn't a beautiful win, although Tyreek Hill was a highlight again, as was Travis Kelce who tied Tony Gonzalez's 4 game streak of 100 yards in a game, and did a wonderful impression of Raiders' punter Marquette King who retaliated with a tweet mocking Kelce's reality show.  The Chiefs lost LB Derrick Johnson to a ruptured Achilles. He was clearly missed in the second half of the game, and let's not even start on the turnovers and the lack of scoring by the offense in the second half.  Mad props though to the Chiefs Defense who also held the Raiders to only 13 points. The Chiefs may have played and ugly game, but a win is a win and now the Chiefs hold the tiebreaker in the AFC West and are in first place.

As it stands in the AFC, New England is the one seed, Kansas City is the two seed, followed by Baltimore at three and Houston at two. Currently, the two wildcard teams are both form the AFC West, Denver and Oakland.  That said, the Dolphins, Steelers, Colts, Bills, Titans, Chargers, and Bengals still have a chance.

On the NFC side, Dallas has already clinched a playoff berth and are pretty secure with the one seed, while Seattle is two, Detroit three, and Atlanta four.  The two teams hold the wildcards right now are New York and Tampa Bay.  Still in the running, the Redskins, Vikings, Packers, Cardinals, Saints, Eagles, Panthers, Rams, and Bears. 

The races are tight, and there are going to be some really good rivalry games ahead, including the Chiefs and Broncos rematch on Christmas night.  Congratulations are in order for Larry Fitzgerald who is now securely in third place on the NFL all-time receptions list.  He is behind Tony Gonzalez (number 2) and Jerry Rice (number 1).  Speaking of Tony G., Antonio Gates is closing in on his record for most touchdowns by a tight end. He is two touchdowns from catching him and three from passing.

Sorry about leaving out the Buccaneers/Chargers game last week, my bad, and I apologize, because I have no idea why I picked Jacksonville either. Even with those errors, I still had a pretty good week with a 10-4 record bringing my season total to 121-69.  Fantasy players: the bye weeks are over and for some of you the playoffs are beginning. Good luck!!! My Lucille Swings team slipped up last week, but held on to the 1st place position.  Lochte and Loaded finally ended their losing streak and the 4th place position.  

Sunday, December 11, 2016
San Diego Chargers vs. Carolina Panthers:  Carolina
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Buffalo Bills:  Pittsburgh
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Cleveland Browns:  Cincinnati
Chicago Bears vs. Detroit Lions:  Detroit
Denver Broncos vs. Tennessee Titans:  Denver
Houston Texans vs. Indianapolis Colts:  Indianapolis
Arizona Cardinals vs. Miami Dolphins:  Arizona
Washington Redskins vs. Philadelphia Eagles:  Washington
Minnesota Vikings vs. Jacksonville Jaguars:  Minnesota
New York Jets vs. San Francisco 49ers:  San Francisco (but really, it's a coin toss)
Atlanta Falcons vs. Los Angeles Rams:  Atlanta
New Orleans Saints vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers:  Tampa Bay
Seattle Seahawks vs. Green Bay Packers:  Green Bay
Dallas Cowboys vs. New York Giants:  Dallas

Monday, December 12, 2016
Baltimore Ravens vs. New England Patriots:  New England (although I would love an upset here.)

Thursday, December 15, 2016
Los Angeles Rams vs. Seattle Seahawks:  Seattle

Saturday, December 17, 2016
Miami Dolphins vs. New York Jets:  New York

Congratulations to Louisville quarterbakck Lamar Jackson on his Heisman trophy victory! That's it guys!! Until next week, "At its best, life is completely unpredictable."-Christopher Walken

Fantasy Wide Receivers Report

Hey, guys...I can almost feel the excitement in the air...Training camps will be opening soon all over NFL land, and we football fans can't wait. The fantasy football nation has already started drafts. My first draft will be July 24. I'm still looking to join about two more leagues. My draft strategies vary, depending on my draft position. I try to draft Running backs back to back; however, more often than not, I usually draft a wide receiver. So, here are my top 5 wide receivers. Once again, I don't rank them, I leave that to the professionals. These are the guys I want as my fantasy wide receivers.

Andre Johnson of the Houston Texans. Andre Johnson has been a fantasy diamond for the last couple of years. As Matt Schaub continues to grow as the Texans QB, he looks early and often for his favorite target Andre Johnson. Johnson led the league last year with 1569 receiving yards. He also racked up 9 touchdowns. Johnson had six games with over 100 yards including a season high 196 yards against the St. Louis Rams. Johnson also knows how to protect the ball with only one fumble last year. Although the New York Jets were able to neutralize him keeping Johnson to an anemic 35 yards, Johnson averages a little over 98 yards per game. He finished the season with 133.45 fantasy points last season a sound pick for starting WR.

Randy Moss of the New England Patriots. I'm not the biggest fan of Randy Moss, from that growth that appears on his face from time to time to his time with the Oakland Raiders to his corn pone accent that vexes me to no end. Yet, no one can deny the talent that Moss possesses, a talent that has been well tapped into by one Tom Brady. Over his last three years with the Patriots, Moss has accumulated over 3756 yards with the Patriots, including last season when he racked up 1264 yards and 13 touchdowns (tying him for first in the league). He still has great hands only fumbling the ball 2 times last year. Moss finished the fantasy season with 141.20 fantasy points, and although he is getting up there in age, and he will have to fight with Wes Welker for looks, he is a still a pretty sound #1 fantasy choice.

Miles Austin of the Dallas Cowboys. Although he has gained more fame recently for being the current NFL boyfriend of Kim Kardashian (gag), Miles Austin is a talented receiver who seemed to explode last year and show Roy Williams that Roy Williams is no #1 WR. How awesome was Austin? He only started 9 games last year, missed one game, and still gained 1320 yards averaging 82.5 yards per game. In addition to his yardage, Austin finished tied for second in the league with 11 receiving touchdowns. Not bad for the guy who was supposed to be Tony Romo's #2 WR. He finished the fantasy season with 131.80 points last year, so I don't think Mr. Austin will be on the board very long.

Larry Fitzgerald of the Arizona Cardinals. Fitzgerald has been one of the best WR in the league for the past 3 years racking up 3932 yards during that time. He also had Kurt Warner throwing to him during that time period. (Gonna miss you, Kurt!) He will be receiving passes from Matt Leinert (or Derek Anderson, if Leinert flops again). Fitzgerald gained 1092 yards last season averaging 68.25 yards per game. He also tied for first in the league with 13 receiving touchdowns. Fitzgerald finished the fantasy season with 132.60 fantasy points. Although I'm a little leery of Matt Leinert, I think he will rely on Fitzgerald a lot this season.

Sidney Rice of the Minnesota Vikings and DeSean Jackson of the Philadelphia Eagles. I couldn't pick between the two, so I'll give you the stats. Sidney Rice amassed 1312 yards and 8 touchdowns last season, while DeSean Jackson gained 1156 yards and 9 touchdowns. Rice finished the season with 113.60 fantasy points as Jackson finished the season with 132.05. While Sidney Rice may have ole man Favre throwing to him this year, there is no guarantee, because Favre is still waffling in Hattiesburg. Meanwhile, the Eagles traded Donovan McNabb to Washington, and Kevin Kolb will be tossing to Jackson. Regardless, I think both of these young men will be prime targets for their quarterbacks.

Other Top 10 Wide Recievers
Wes Welker (New England Patriots), Reggie Wayne (Indianapolis Colts [if he doesn't hold out]), Vincent Jackson (San Diego Charger [He has to serve a 3 game suspension, plus he may hold out for an extended period]), Brandon Marshall (Miami Dolphins), Roddy White (Atlanta Falcons), Marques Colston (New Orleans Saints). I'm aware that I have given you more than 10, but you will need back up if VJ and Reggie Wayne aren't going to play.

Rookie on the Rise: Dez Bryant of the Dallas Cowboys. Here's hoping that Dez Bryant lives up to all of the baggage he is bringing with him to Cowboys stadium. He has some big shoes to fill choosing to wear the #88 which belonged to Michael Irvin (why would you do that?). He was suspended for part of the 2009 season for improper contact with another former Cowboy Deion Sanders. His freshman season saw him gain 622 yards and 6 touchdowns in 12 games. In 2008, he had 1480 yards with 19 touchdowns. In 2009, he managed 323 yards and 4 touchdowns before his suspension which lowered his draft stock and Heisman contention. He also played special teams racking up a career total of 431 yards and 3 touchdowns in 22 Punt returns. He'll be playing behind Miles Austin, Roy Williams, and Patrick Clayton.

Fantasy Tip: Don't be a homer. Picking all players from your favorite team will lead to a problem on your team-the bye week, when they will all be on vacation together...

Until next time, "If you can accept losing, you can't win."Vince Lombardi

**stats provided by NFL.com and FantasyFootballChallenge.com

Best "Fantasy" Tight Ends...

Last month, several of the gentlemen that I follow on Twitter celebrated Sundress Month. We, the ladies, while we enjoy the comfort of a Sundress, it didn't really benefit us a whole lot. Also, many blogs devote themselves to the sexy "Wags" of the several different sports...That's good for them, but what about us? Are we chopped liver? So, training camp is still a few weeks away, and most people are occupied by the *snore* NBA free agency. So this is my gift to you girls. My top fantasy "Tight Ends." Pun definitely intended... I'm not going to rank them...I'll leave that to you... I just thought I'd share some eye candy :)

This is Devin Thomas...Devin Thomas is a Wide Receiver for the Washington Redskins. He is 6' 2" and weighs 215 pounds...He only had 25 receptions for 325 yards and 3 touchdowns last year so while he probably shouldn't be the 1 WR on your fantasy football team, he can always start for the home team :) Ladies, Mr. Devin Thomas.

Introducing Nick Barnett. Nick is an inside Linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. He is 6' 2" and weighs 236 pounds. He had 105 tackles and 4 sacks last year as part of the much improved Green Bay Defense... Nick Barnett...

Mr. Larry Fitzgerald. Larry is a Wide Receiver for the Arizona Cardinals. He is widely considered one of the best receivers in the game. He is 6' 3" and weighs 217 pounds. Last year, he had 97 receptions for 1092 and 13 touchdowns. Perfect fantasy player on the field, and not a bad looking guy off the field...Larry Fitzgerald...

Dustin Keller...Dustin Keller is a Tight End for the New York Jets. He is one of the up and coming young tight ends attempting to take the reins from Tony Gonzalez and Antonio Gates. Dustin is 6' 2" and weighs 248 pounds. Last season, he had 45 receptions for 522 yards and 2 touchdowns. He is one of Mark Sanchez's best weapons. Expect a lot this fantasy season from Mr. Dustin Keller...

Mr. Mark Sanchez...Mark is one of those up and coming NFL cuties. I'll overlook that he is from USC. Mark is the Quarterback for the New York Jets. He is 6' 2" and weights 225 pounds. He performed surprisingly well for a rookie taking over for that NFL Jalopy Brett Favre. Leading the Jets to the post season, he tossed 12 touchdowns (22 interceptions) and a total of 2,444 yards. He is a nice option to have a quarter back if you can't pick up your favorite QB for your fantasy team...

Mr. Pierre Thomas...Pierre Thomas is a running back for the Super Bowl champion New Orleans Saints. He is 5' 11" and weighs 215 pounds. A significantly stouter RB than teammate Reggie Bush, Pierre had 147 carries last year 743 yards and 6 touchdowns. Look for more from Pierre this year as the Saints look to defend their title. He may not be a fantasy football #1, but he is a reliable #2. Mr. Pierre Thomas...

Mr. Antonio Gates...Antonio Gates is a tight end for the San Deigo Chargers. He is widely considered one of the best tight ends in the league, although he is recovering from a rather significant foot injury. He is 6' 4" and weighs 260 pounds. Even with a bad foot, Gates had 79 receptions for 1, 157 yards and 8 touchdowns. Let's say that Mr. Gates is still a number one tight end, and he ain't a half bad player. Mr. Antonio Gates...

Since this is my blog, I saved my personal favorites for last...

Mr. Darren Sharper... D-Sharp is a safety for the Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints with a penchant for trash talking while flashing those wonderful dimples. He is 6' 2" and weighs 210 pounds. He had 71 tackles, 0.5 sacks, and lead the league with 9 interceptions. He and the Saints defense are a solid choice for a fantasy defense. Mr. Darren Sharper...

Mr. Shawne Merriman...He's my bad boy. I know, I know about all the outside stuff, but on the field is he often a force to be reckoned with. He finally returned last season, after missing all but one game of the 2008 season with a massive knee injury. Shawne is an outside linebacker for the San Diego Chargers. He is recovering from variety of ailments from last season. He had 36 tackles and 4 sacks last year. Not exactly a monster season (that means my Chiefs quarterback was upright for most of the season), but I expect great things this year out of the 6' 4", 265 pound Merriman. He'll be a free agent next year. Mr. Shawne Merriman...

Saving the best for last ;), Mr. Tony Gonzalez. As far as I'm concerned, Tony is the greatest tight end to ever grace the field. Last year, he started for the first time in a red jersey that wasn't Kansas City's. He is starting his second year as the TE for the Atlanta Falcons. I'm going to chalk up last season's fall off to playing with a new team, new quarterback, and Roddy White. Even in a down season, the 6' 5", 243 pound, Gonzalez had 83 receptions for 867 yards and 6 touchdowns. He'll be my starting tight end until he retires... Mr. Tony Gonzalez...

Okay, ladies I know these aren't all the cuties in the NFL, but hey, 10 ain't bad. These are just my faves. Who would you add to the list? Where are my Chiefs? Kansas City, I'm going to have to ask you guys work on that. 65 days until the 2010 NFL season kicks off in New Orleans! Until then, I hope you ladies enjoyed...See ya next time!

Thanks for the Block, October...or Why a Semi-nude Tony Gonzalez will not get me a PETA Card...

Welcome Back, Ladies and Gents. If you are a follower of this blog, by now you know that I absolutely crazy about NFL football. One of the great things about the NFL is that while you do have your powerhouse teams, you never know what’s going to happen from week to week. For example, who would have thought that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (in their creamsicle uniforms no less) and young Josh Freeman would have thumped the Green Bay Packers [Congratulations, @ShirleyHuangEsq!]. The Cincinnati Bengals swept the Baltimore Ravens this year and could possibly sweep the Pittsburgh Steelers this week. The Saints are still undefeated and could possibly have the offensive (Drew Brees) and defensive (Darren Sharper) MVPs. Probably the one constant in the NFL is that Peyton Manning is still Peyton Manning, and the Colts are still undefeated.
Early this season, I revealed my picks for the NFL season. Now, that we are at mid-season, let’s see how my choices are fairing. *Cue the Flashback music* Do-do-do-do-do, Do-do-do-do-do (Diana Dishes, has a non-existent budget. We can’t actually afford music. We call this using our “I-ma-gi-na-tion,” okay…). Here were my “predictions:”
AFC East: 1-New England Patriots, 2-Miami Dolphins, 3-New York Jets, 4-Buffalo Bills AFC South: 1-Indianapolis Colts, 2-Jacksonville Jaguars, 3-Tennessee Titans, 4-Houston Texans AFC North: 1-Pittsburgh Steelers, 2-Baltimore Ravens, 3-Cincinnati Bengals, 4-Cleveland Browns AFC West: 1-San Diego Chargers, 2-Kansas City Chiefs, 3-Denver Broncos, 4-Oakland Raiders Wildcards: Baltimore, Jacksonville AFC Championship Game: San Diego v. New England AFC Champs-San Diego
NFC East: 1-New York Giants, 2-Philadelphia Eagles, 3-Dallas Cowboys, 4-Washington Redskins NFC South: 1-New Orleans Saints, 2-Atlanta Falcons, 3-Carolina Panthers , 4-Tampa Bay Buccaneers NFC North: 1-Minnesota Vikings, 2-Green Bay Packers, 3-Chicago Bears, 4-Detroit Lions NFC West: 1-Arizona Cardinals, 2-Seattle Seahawks, 3-San Francisco 49ers, 4-St. Louis Rams Wildcards: Philadelphia Eagles, Atlanta Falcons NFC Championship Game: New York v. Minnesota NFC Champs-New York Giants Super Bowl XLIV-New York Giants v. San Diego Chargers Super Bowl Champions-San Diego Chargers
In the AFC East, of course, Tom Brady and the Pats are number one, but I thought Miami would at least maintain. Wrong. Jets are at second with 4-4 record, while the Dolphins are 3-5. Why did I think the Dolphins had a better record? Only three games? I thought they had won more. Huh, I really need to stay on top of that. Oh well, at least, I was right about the Bills.
In the AFC South, of course, Peyton Manning and the Colts are number one and undefeated, but what is going on in the AFC South? The Texans, yes, those Texans, are number 2, while the Titans (who had the best record last year) are in last place with a 2-6 record. Huh? Wh-Wh-What? Jacksonville continues to fool everybody, because they can’t make up they want to win or lose with their 4-4 record.
The AFC North has had the biggest surprise. I swear, I did not see the Bengals at number 2, much less #1. Who would have thunk it? Currently, they are tied at number 1 with the Steelers. Baltimore is third with a 4-4 record, while the Cleveland Browns continue to flounder in the basement playing “Who’s our quarterback this week?” Mangenius, anyone else find that as funny as me? Oh, yeah, Romeo Crennel. I still stand by the Steelers.
The AFC West continues to struggle finding its identity in the league. I picked and continue to stand behind San Diego. While the Denver Broncos (shockingly) continue to hold the #1 spot in the West, I don’t see it lasting (I never drink the Kool-Aid when it comes to the Broncos). San Diego is starting to recover from those early injuries. Did y’all see Shawne Merriman taking it to Eli last week (sorry, @vthrilla and @sportychic56)? I think the Chargers will be back at the top before the year is out. The Chiefs and Raiders are, well, who we thought they were-pitiful. A moment of silence for my Chiefs…Thank you.
The NFC East is topsy-turvy as always. Cowboys are currently number one, while the Giants continue their skid to number 3. The Eagles are #2, but they are inconsistent at best (I mean, really, losing to the Raiders?). I don’t even want to talk about the Redskins.
So far, I am perfect in the NFC South. I thought the Saints would storm back, but undefeated, I didn’t see that, after all, it’s the Saints. Even with the addition of Tony “I’d rather be naked” Gonzalez, I believed that the Falcons would slip a little this year. I didn’t think Carolina and Tampa would slip so far down this year.
Surprisingly, I’m perfect in The NFC North, as well. The NFC North is once again ruled over by Lord Favre, the only difference, he’s wearing purple instead of green. He laid the smack down twice (laughing all the way) on Green Bay, who has become, well, confusing (SMH, losing to Tampa?). Lovie, what is going on in Chicago? Oh, yeah, Jay Cutler brought his little boy act to Chi-town. I only hope it doesn’t cost Lovie his job. Then, Detroit…yeh. Moving on.
The Arizona Cardinals are still in charge of the AFC West behind the duo of Larry Fitzgerald and Kurt “Father Time” Warner. San Fran is currently at #2, although they don’t really know what to do with they are doing at quarterback. Seattle, SMH, was it really all that long ago that they ruled this division. St. Louis, there are no words. (I think the people of Missouri should petition for a real NFL team or maybe combine the Chiefs and Rams to make one mediocre team).
My Wildcards, I don’t see Jacksonville to make it. Baltimore might not either. Denver and Cincy are going to be tough outs. I still stand by San Diego and New England in the Championship (watch Peyton prove me wrong). I’m still putting San Diego in the Super Bowl, until they prove otherwise.
My NFC Wildcards, well, I think it will be Philly and Atlanta. I can see New Orleans and Minnesota in the NFC Championship game. I don’t see New York, unfortunately, making the playoffs. I also see Favre breaking down before the end. Maybe New Orleans will finally see a Super Bowl…
I’m standing by the Chargers winning it all. Yeah, I said it. We will see when the final whistle blows in February.
Last week, My fantasy teams went 4-0!!! 4-0!! I don’t know how it happened. I don’t think it will happen again, but I am sure celebrating. Here’s how it all went down…

The Merry Mad Men (6-3) v. Eaglescrazy
My Merry Mad Men took on The Rebels of the Hell Raisers League. I came to play with the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Ricky Williams, WR-Donald Driver, Mike Wallace, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.
My MadMen are still number one in the division (yes, with a Josh McDaniel’s fist pump). LDT and Ricky Williams didn’t light it up. Donald Driver and Mike Wallace picked them up. But, I didn’t see that Kurt Warner performance coming. Five touchdowns!?!?!? Clearly, Warner was my Player of the Week again pulling in 40 points by himself. My MadMen spanked Eaglescrazy 104-68 past The Rebels 92-87.

Hecate’s HellHounds (4-5) v. the hurricane
The HellHounds have moved into second place in our division. Playoff hopes are starting to disappear. My starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and LDT, WRs-Nate Burleson, Mike Wallace, Donald Driver, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Kris Brown, DST-San Diego Chargers. Drew, Drew, could you help a sister out? I need you to put up some big points down the stretch. Players of the week were Drew Brees and Ryan Grant each accounting for 15 points. My Hell pups survived the hurricane 92-52.

The Crazy 88’s (5-4) v. devil’s rejects.
The 88’s are tied for last place in our division. SMH… I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Julius Jones and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Reggie Wayne, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. My Player of the Week was Julius Jones with 16 points. The Crazy 88’s exorcised the devil’s rejects 86-78.

Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez (4-5) v. Team Alkies
Ay, Dios Mio…I just don’t know about this team. I see-saw continues. I lined-up with: QB-Jay “I Hate you so much right now” Cutler, RB-LDT, and Cedric Benson, WR-T. J. Houshmandzadeh, Mike Wallace, and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Dan Carpenter, DST-San Diego Chargers. My players of the week were Cutler and Fitzgerald. Gonzalez menos un Gonzalez sent Team Alkies to rehab with a 113-96 victory.
Well, that’s all I’ve got guys. Until next week, kids… As Malcolm Forbes once said, “Victory is sweetest when you've known defeat.” Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

The 2009 Version of the NFL is filled with Paranormal Activity of the 4th Kind

Welcome back, boys and girls. I love the NFL, but this past week has only shown that it is a topsy-turvy league where sometimes up is down and down is up. Don’t believe me, witness the is paranormal activity. The Titans who were 13-3 last year are 0-6, including a 59-0 beat down by the Patriots, followed by a verbal beat down by Sally Reece, the wife of former GM Floyd Reece. The Raiders, the NFL’s most dysfunctional team, managed to beat the Philadelphia Eagles as their head coach managed to avoid charges of hitting his assistant coach and breaking his jaw. The Chiefs beat the Redskins (I’m still shocked by that fact), and Jim Zorn became the figure head head coach to Sherman Lewis who’s last job was…wait for it…meals on wheels and bingo caller at a senior citizen’s home. Really, Washington, really?
The Buffalo Bills and fantasy owners everywhere put out an all-points-bulletin for Terrell Owens’s talent. The San Diego Chargers were beaten by team dressed as Giant Oompa-Loompa’s (That is a hot mess, Denver). Mark Sanchez is about to find out just how fickle the fans of New York are as his talent seems to have been abducted over the last three weeks. The New Orleans Saints, that’s right I said the New Orleans Saints, treated Eli Manning to a homecoming filled with beads and Southern Hospitality before Drew and the boys (seven different scorers) pulled the rug from under him and his G-men. There use to be a saying that “nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina,” use to be. Then there is the Denver Broncos. Denver, as much as it sickens me to say, has turned into one of the better teams in the league and go into their bye week 6-0, joining New Orleans, Indianapolis, and Minnesota as the last undefeated teams in the league. Cincinnati is tied (but currently holds the tie-breaker) with the Super Bowl champion Steelers. Atlanta is seeking its first back to back winning seasons in team history, and Brett Favre came from behind and blah-blah-blah, Minnesota undefeated.
Yet, for all of the oddity in the NFL some things remain the same. Peyton Manning is still awesome. His teammate Bob Sanders is starting his multi-million dollar part-time job this week. Tom Brady is becoming Tom Brady again. Brett Favre, yada-yada-yada. San Diego is starting slow, again, and has fallen 3.5 games behind the Broncos (wiping the bad taste from my mouth). Jacksonville, Baltimore, Arizona, and Seattle are consistently inconsistent. The Rams, Browns, Bucs, Lions and Chiefs are well the Rams, Browns, Bucs, Lions, and Chiefs. Gotta love parity in the NFL!
So what’s up with my teams? Nothing…Nothing is up. I think this will be year that I may pull a Favre when it comes to fantasy football. I can’t catch a break anywhere. Can’t catch a break!!! I ended last week 1-3. Albeit reluctantly, let’s survey the damage.
The Merry Mad Men (4-2) v. steelerdan
My Merry Mad Men went up against steelerdan of the Hell Raisers League. I took the “field” with the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-LaDainian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Keading, DST-San Diego Chargers.
My MadMen are now two games above .500, and I still holding on to first place in my division. hopefully they will continue to improve. They are #1 in their division, Yay! Larry Johnson and LDT posted their best numbers of the year (though sadly not double digits). The Chargers didn’t bring their A, B, or C game last week. Nate Keading had more points than the Chargers D/ST who gave up not one but two returns for touchdowns. My wide receivers basically had the same amount of points. I started Mike Wallace to replace Reggie Wayne (thank goodness the bye is over). TG returned with 11 points in the Falcon victory over the bears. My Player of the Week was, once again, Father Time, Kurt Warner with 19 points. The Merry MadMen were able to stumble to the finish line defeating steelerdan 96-85.
Hecate’s HellHounds (1-5) v. Twisted Sister
This team has had the most unbelievable bad luck. I made the mistake of saying that this was the best team I’ve fielded. This team is the Tennessee Titans of my fantasy teams. Oddly with one of the best quarterbacks. My starting lineup: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Mike Bell, WRs-Mike Wallace, Santonio Holmes, Nate Burleson, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. This team…sucked…so badly. I just don’t know… Lindell, Holmes and Grant all had 10 points. Gonzalez had 11. My player of the week was Drew Brees and his 38 point performance. Unfortunately, the HellHounds had to compete against Tom “I got 51 points by myself” Brady. The Scrappy Doos join my Chiefs at 1-5 as they lose to Twisted Sister 126-106.
The Crazy 88’s (2-4) v. hotshot67
I thought my team was on the up-swing with the return of Donovan McNabb. Wrong! (In Charlie Murphy Voice). I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Larry Johnson and LDT, WRs-Donald Driver, Torry Holt, Mike Wallace, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. Well, the Crazy 88’s lived up to their namesakes (see the movie Kill Bill: Volume 1) and were slaughtered. My Player of the Week was Tony Gonzalez who returned with 11 points. The Crazy 88’s were massacred by a bride named hotshot67 by a final score of 132-74. Wasn’t even worth the effort.
Gonzalez y Gonzalez (2-4) v. Team Abuhakmeh
Team Abuhakmeh (that’s his real last name) is owned by one of my former students. He has taken pleasure in mocking me during our last four years of our fantasy football league. Sunday was his birthday. So, I decided to leave him a message via Facebook containing a happy birthday and a little smack talk. Big Mistake. When the games started, I was too busy laughing. Why you ask? Well, Birthday boy was too busy to set his line-up. He was missing a running back, a wide receiver, and a tight end. He was ripe for the picking. WRONG!! WRONG!! His quarterback was Tom Brady. I absolutely hate Tom Brady. I lined-up: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-Darren Sproles and Cedric Benson, WR-T. J. Houshmandzadeh, Mike Wallace and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. This league is a wash. I’m never going to win a Championship in this league. I am the Tony Gonzalez of this league. Jay “Jake Harper” Cutler was my player of the week with 19 pouting points. TG and Larry Fitzgerald had good hands (and looks) as usual. Gonzalez minus un Gonzalez lose to Team Abuhakmeh 97-85. Happy Freaking Birthday, Joe. Try not to be smug about it.
Dear Shawne Merriman,
I know that it is tough playing with the injuries you have had over the last few weeks, but this week you play my Chiefs. You have 6 sacks in 6 career games against the Chiefs. The cure for all sack woes is a trip to Arrowhead against my beloved Chiefs and their Swiss cheese offensive line. Try not to kill Cassel in your anger. He is worth 60 million dollars, not really, but that’s what we are paying him. Finally, out of respect to the great Derrick Thomas, the Chiefs have to come to San Diego. Try not to break Derrick’s sack record until the Chiefs get to Qualcomm, okay. Thanks.
Your fan and fantasy team owner, DianaDishes
P. S. I love the new hair cut.
This week I was asked to be a twitter girlfriend. Rob @AtypicalSports, I accept and will be your Twitter girlfriend. By the way, you guys should give Rob and Ki at The Atypical Sports show some love at http://www.atypicalsportsshow.com/home.html Until next week kiddos… As the Great Vince Lombardi said, “If you can accept losing, you can't win. Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

Falcon was Hiding in the Attic, While my Teams were Hiding in the Basement...

Welcome back boys and girls…I’m a little better the week. Week five of fantasy football did not go as badly as 3 and 4. So, what’s up? First up, JaMarcus Russell a quarterback is an insult to anyone who has ever played the position on any level. Now, I enjoyed watching JaMarcus Russell at LSU, and I admit once he went to the NFL, I stopped cheering because he played for the dreaded, uhm, I mean, dreadful Oakland Raiders. If Al Davis were of sound mind (or body for that matter), he would realize that this is a failed experiment. Alas, Crazy Al is sticking with the JaMarcus Russell train which at this point derailed sometime last year and is dragging the rest of the team with it. The Raiders insulted Antonio Pierce and the New York Giants by impersonating an NFL team during their loss to the G-Men. Peyton Manning proved (with little difficulty) that he is the Anti-JaMarcus Russell. He continued to roll over the competition, while Bob Sanders continued his mastery of earning a year’s pay for half a year’s work. Ray Lewis tried to decapitate Chad Ochocinco (a hit that cost Mr. Lewis $25,000). The Chiefs (disguised as the Dallas Texans of the AFL) lost to the Dallas Cowboys in overtime. (Memo to Tony Romo, Ben Roethlisberger, and Matthew Stafford stop it with the damn backwards caps. Grow up and let it go.) Deep breath, release. The Cleveland Browns and the Buffalo Bills played quite frankly one of the worse games to ever be played in NFL History (6-3, yikes!). Rex Ryan announced that he was embarrassed of his team after a loss to the Miami Dolphins. Tom Brady and the Patriots lost to the Broncos in their mustard and chocolate throw-up, e-rum, throwback uniforms. By the way, I haven’t mentioned in a while that I hate, HATE, the Broncos, Raiders and Cowboys. I feel better now. Lions lost, blah-blah, Redskins lost, blah-blah, and Jacksonville lost. The 49ers were embarrassed (along with a ton of fantasy players) by Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons. Most of my fantasy players spent the weekend on the fantasy bench because of bye weeks. Thank goodness.
I want to take a brief moment to go on the defensive, literally. My #1 fantasy defense is the San Diego Chargers D/ST. I know the Chargers are not performing on the level that most people are use to but really. Every time one of these guys says anything, it is front page fodder, especially Merriman. I know some people were under the delusion that he was going to be knocking heads game one. Dude has not played in a year, overcompensated, and pulled his groin (He looks good; He really, really looks good ;). Phillips arm looks like it was shredded by Wolverine, plus he has a calf and groin injury. Jamal Williams is out for the year. Clinton Hart has been kicked to the curb, and Antonio Cromartie, well is he even playing? But, they have stated that they will not use these excuses. They have to “bring their A game” come Monday night. Please boys, Momma is drowning…Throw me a life line. Destroy the Broncos!!
Back to my Fantasy Football Teams. I was 2-2 last week, an improvement over the last few weeks. Most of my bye weeks are over, which I am hoping will improve my chances of making it to the fantasy playoffs. That said, let’s review the damage.
The Merry Mad Men (3-2) v. NK Stallions
My Merry Mad Men went up against NK Stallions of the Hell Raisers League. I submitted took the “field” with the following team: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-Ricky Williams and Larry Johnson, WR-Mohamed Massaquoi, Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Joe Nedney, DST-San Francisco 49ers.
My MadMen are now above .500, and hopefully they will continue to improve. They are #1 in their division, Yay! I started Ricky Williams, Mohamed Massaquoi, Joe Nedney, and the 49ers D, because my main starters were on the bench. The 49ers were in the 10 ten among defenses, and I felt lucky to get them this late in the game. The week before, they dropped 43 points. This week 4, 4 stinking points. Larry Johnson, SMH…Ricky Williams, however, came through with 13 points and Reggie Wayne with 12. My Player of the Week-Father Time, Kurt Warner with 23 points. The Merry MadMen brought the madness defeating the NK Stallions 71-38.
Hecate’s HellHounds (1-4) v. Beaver Dam Lions
I’ve stated for the last few weeks that on paper The HellHounds are my allegedly my best team. That 1-4 record would beg to differ. Drew Brees, Ryan Grant, Donald Driver, and LDT were all taking a break last week and left me starting these “players?” QB-David Garrard, RBs-Mewelde Moore and Ricky Williams, WRs-Kenny Britt, Santonio Holmes, Nate Burleson, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Francisco 49ers. WTF…This team…sucked…so badly. The Beaver Dam Lions spanked us like Charlie Weis at a Golden Corral Buffett. Nate Burleson, yeah that Nate Burleson, was my player of the week. SMH…They don’t even deserve to be called HellHounds…The Scooby Doos lose to the Beaver Dam Lions 105-57. DMNDS…
The Crazy 88’s (2-3) v. 4th and Goal
I thought my team was on the up-swing with the return of Donovan McNabb. Donovan performed well, but the rest of the team, not so much. I started QB-Donovan McNabb, RBs-Larry Johnson and Mewelde Moore, WRs-Jacoby Jones, Torry Holt, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Francisco 49ers. Well, team suspect reared its ugly head again this week. My Player of the Week was Donovan McNabb who returned to drop 31 points. The rest didn’t really bother to show up (Where you at TG?). The Crazy 88’s lost by a quarter to 4th and goal: 100-75.
Gonzalez y Gonzalez (2-3) v. Touch-Down Low
The owner of Touch-Down Low informed me during the draft that he was going quote “kick me like a pit bull puppy.” He came into the game 4-0. I totally expected team Gonzalez y Gonzalez to well lose. I lined-up: QB-Mark Sanchez, RB-Mewelde Moore and Cedric Benson, WR-T. J. Houshmandzadeh, Mike Wallace and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Francisco 49ers. I picked up Mewelde Moore this week because I thought he could get me a few more points than LDT, especially since LDT was on a bye. I would rather have started The Chargers D, zero is better than what the 49ers defense dropped on me (-3 points). Negatives are only good in golf-Yeah, I’m talking to the 49ers. My players of the week is a resurgent Cedric Benson, T. J. Houshmandzadeh, and Larry Fitzgerald who each brought home 19 points. At least, Tony G. looked good. Gonzalez minus Gonzalez beat Touch-Down Low 85-60(How ya like me now, Thomas?). Heh-Heh.
Well, my D/ST Shawne Merriman and the San Diego Chargers return this week bringing LDT, Drew Brees, Donald Driver and Ryan Grant back with them. Wish me luck! Until next week…
In honor of the 3rd anniversary of one of the great coach rants of all time- “The Bears are what we thought they were. Th-they're what we thought they were. We played them in preseason. I mean, who the hell takes the third game of the preseason like it's bullshit? Bullshit! We played them in the third game, everybody played three quarters... the Bears are who we thought they were! That’s why we took the damn field! Now, *hits microphone* if you want to crown them, then crown their ass! But, they are who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook!” Ladies and Gentlemen, Dennis Green. Have a good fantasy week, y’all…

To the Ladies...

Today, I am going to talk about ladies and fantasy football. Let's be real for a moment shall we. There are those girls who watch football because of the hot guys. That's cool. There are those girls who watch football only because their husband or boyfriend watches. Whatever. Then, there are those women who watch football because they love the game, admire the athleticism, and genuinely enjoy watching someone bring the pain every Sunday. That would be me.

Don't get me wrong I recognize the handsome fellows who play the game. I'm not blind, but let's face it, just because a dude is cute does not mean he is going to deliver the knock out blow to the fools in my league. (Sorry, I am preparing my trash talk.)

So, ladies, while I don't usually offer advice, I'm going to give some anyway:

1. Ladies, don't join a league because your boyfriend is in it. It's all fun in games until you beat him, and yes, he will be mad if you beat him. He will pretend he isn't, but he is.
2. Don't plan other pointless activities if your boyfriend is in a league or during football season for that matter. Let it go. Nothing is worse than a needy woman who interrupts the damn game to talk about her feelings, or plans dinner with the parents on his draft day. Talk about your feelings on Tuesday afternoon (Tuesday morning is for checking final scores), Wednesday, Friday, and some Thursdays. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday is Football. Deal with it. Same goes to those sensitive men who don't like football. I won't bother you during Masterpiece Theatre, so don't bother me during Monday Night Football.
3. Ladies, if your are going to play fantasy football. Play for real. Don't put your team in pink uniforms, no one, and I mean, no one will take you seriously. I played another lady last year, and my single goal was to systematically dismantle her team because she chose pink team colors. You disgust me, lady. You don't have to put a skull or flame on the side of your team helmet, but you better not put a pink letter. By the way, spanked her every time we played.
4. Ladies, do not pick players for the following reasons: Oooo, what a cute uniform! Oooo, he's cute! They will not get you points, and other members of the league will be forced to laugh at you. You may get lucky once, but that will be about it.

Now, just for fun, I will give you ten good looking guys who will get you points in the world of fantasy. They are in no particular order and by position. By the way, do take the time to learn what each position does and how it contributes to the team.

Quarterbacks

Tom Brady-New England Patriots: Okay, he's not my speed, but I am told that he is a good looking guy. Whatever. He was injured during the first game of the season when he injured his knee. He also developed a staph infection in the same knee. That said, in 2007, Brady was a fantasy big shot. He threw for 4806 yards and 50 touchdowns with only 8 interceptions. Don't expect the 50 touchdowns, but all of his other numbers should be about the same unless the mind plays tricks on him. Plus, he is throwing to Randy Moss and Wes Welker.

Drew Brees-New Orleans Saints-Not only is Brees cute, he delivers on the field as well. In 2008, Brees threw for 5,069 yards and 34 touchdowns, but he also threw 17 interceptions (which will cost you points). Even so he finished the fantasy football season as the number one quarterback in most leagues and is projected to finish near the top this year.

Running Backs

LaDanian Tomlinson-San Diego Chargers: I am biased when it comes to LT. You can't help, but love that smile. He was hurt last year, but he swears he's better this year. Even so, LT had 1110 rushing yards last year with 11 rushing TDs. He also had 426 recieving yards with 1 touchdown. Not bad for an off year. LT is still a top 10 running back (#1 if by looks alone).

Adrian Peterson-Minnesota Vikings: Another cutie, but he is a fantasy demon (he alone beat one of my teams last year). He finished one or two in most leagues last year. He finished the year with 1760 rushing yards and ten rushing touchdowns. He also had 125 receiving yards. He is projected to finish #1 this year. He should get plenty of touches considering his quarterback situation in Minnesota

Wide Receivers

Larry Fitzgerald-Arizona Cardinals: Normally, not for the long hair, but the dreads work for Mr. Fitzgerald. He is a part of one of, if not the best, wide receiver tandems in the league with Anquan Boldin. Fitzgerald finished the season last year with 1431 yards and 12 touchdowns and an appearance in the Super Bowl. Not bad, not bad at all. He finished #1 in practically every league last year and is projected to be top five this year.

Vincent Jackson-San Diego Chargers: Very cute and quite productive. Don't get me wrong, he is by no means a top ten receiver. Face it, the top receiver for the Chargers is usually TE Antonio Gates. Jackson benefitted from Gates' injury last year. Jackson is a top twenty receiver and will probably not be swept up until probably the 4th round. But, if we are going just on looks, you can't go wrong with Vincent Jackson. He finished the season with 1098 yards and seven touchdowns. He even tacked on 69 rushing yards. But beware, he may have to serve a suspension at some point in the season because of an offseason DUI (That bothered me, and I am wavering on VJ, but this is about looks anyway).

Tight Ends

Tony Gonzalez-Atlanta Falcons: First and foremost, it sucks having to say that Tony Gonzalez is an Atlanta Falcon. Now, I will admit I thought Tony was cute when he played for Cal so it was awesome that he was drafted by my favorite team. Not only is Tony the best looking Tight End in the league, he is the best to ever play the position (please don't send letters about Kellen Winslow, Sr., John Mackey, and Mike Ditka. I know how great they were, and I still would take Tony.). He holds practically every record available to tight ends including, touchdowns and receptions. He was the #1 fantasy tight end last season finishing with 1058 yards and 10 touchdowns. He was thrown to by three different quarterbacks last year. This year, he will be the target of Matty Ice, Matt Ryan, and he is projected to finish any where from 1st to 5th this season.

Antonio Gates-San Diego Chargers: The second best tight end, ha-ha. He is the best in the AFC, now that Gonzalez is in the NFC (which sucks for K2, Shockey, Whitten and Cooley). Actually, Gonzalez and Gates were 1 and 2 for a while, but Antonio has been dealing with injuries the last couple of years. That said, Antonio Gates finished as the 3rd or 4th fantasy tight end in most leagues last year with 704 yards and 8 touchdowns. He is projected to finish anywhere from 1st to 5th this year.

Defense

Most leagues pick an entire defense from a team or two. Some leagues pick individual defensive players. Make sure you know which rules your league is following. That said, two hottest and productive defensive players...

Shawne Merriman-Outside Linebacker San Diego Chargers: I know that I am picking a lot of Chargers, but they are the AFC West champs. Merriman only played one game last season before having surgery to repair a torn PCL and LCL (Merry Christmas, Tennessee). Prior to the injury, Merriman led the league with 39.5 sacks over the first three years of his career. After a year on the sideline, I think Merriman is due to return to his All Pro and Pro Bowl form and vault the Chargers back among the elite defenses. He will be terrorizing quarterbacks well into the playoffs and look good doing it!

Jason Taylor-Defensive End Miami Dolphins: Last year was an off season for this former Dancing with the Stars hottie. He had a calf injury, and he only registered 29 total tackles and 3.5 sacks a dip from the 11 sacks of the year before. I also don't think that Taylor was ever really happy in Washington. He seems happier this year and is back in Miami with Joey Porter. If he stays healthy, expect Taylor to have a good year.

I don't look at kickers. I just pick the highest one left. They shift from year to year anyway. So, girls if you have to pick a hottie for your team here are some good looking guys who also tear up the field. Next week, I will spend time truly evaluating the fantasy positions based on actual skills rather than looks.