Live Blogging: American Horror Story, Episode 2 "Chutes and Ladders"

Welcome back, everybody! So, have your recovered from last week's insanity. Granted, I had The Walking Dead to calm me down just a little, but seriously, there are moments from last weeks episode of AHS: Hotel that I never need to see again, thank you very much.


Sally is the mattress seamstress, placing the unfortunate drug addict in this week's mattress. So the creepy children just killed blonde number #2. How many bodies are in this basement? Nice dumping the lime. Donovan hiding from mommy? I can't get use to Gaga's blond eyebrows. Donovan, the countess does not like to trifled with son. Can we talk a moment about Gaga' fashion? These gowns are to die for! Her wardrobe rivals Regina's from Once Upon a Time, and that's saying something (because you know, and I know that the Evil Queen's wardrobe is the fiercest one in the land). Kid gets the measles because fashionable mom refuses vaccine topical. Is Alex a doctor?


Meanwhile, detective Seneca Crane (John Lowe-Wes Bentley) was awakened by the monster with the rotating drill bit. That was a nice how-do-ya-do. Whoa, whoa, whoa...what the crap is going on in this room? Dead people having a go in the shower? Dreams in a dream. Creepy little Holden running in the halls. For a cop, Lowe, you really have no this may be a dangerous place vibes. Speaking of wardrobe's Liz Taylor's over the top glam. This scene is Danny Torrance from The Shining. Love Sally's "this place is batsh*t crazy" line, you know considering she sews people into mattresses after the drill bit monster has his way. Ah, flashbacks to other murders. Well, at least AHS, didn't go all artsy with the black and white flashback like The Walking Dead. This guy killed his own kids? NO, they did not have the story of the family who died of carbon monoxide poison. The killer is text savvy, eh? Bomb? Maybe? Is that a bloody Oscar?


Sorry, I had to interrupt American Horror Story to watch Tony Gonzalez on Inside NFL. Sorry, I'll be back in a minute. He will be starring in a documentary about his career and family on Showtime called Play it Forward.


So, I made it back for weird commercials. Yay. Naomi Campbell is perfect for this creepfest. Liz Taylor making his thoughts about fashion known. Uh, who the heck drops off a kid at this hotel?  What is wrong with Alex? Why are all of the children in this show androgynous? Donovan "You do have a type?" Is he referring to blood or brunettes. There is Finn Wittrock as a drugged out model. Has to be better than Dandy. Does ha actually have  a Mohawk-mullet? What the world, dude? So, he molests a dude's girlfriend and then threatens him with a piece of glass. Just gonna cut your face up, instead of quitting, huh, dude? These kids really want to die. they keep putting themselves in the most perilous situations. Wait, Lachlan has found the creepy kids' coffins, Scarlett just follows his lead, and now he knocks on a coffin containing a kid. What the crap is wrong with these kids? It's like they are daring death to take them.


Wait, Will Drake is a vampire, too? What? Did I miss something? Um, yum, maggot sandwich. Just what a growing boy needs, Tristan. Maybe not pick up discarded food bro. Okay, Evan Peters as Howard Hughes? How many dead people are in this hotel? Wait, what? Kill her? Evan Peters is a psychopath this year? Does anyone watch Scarlett? She's like Carl in seasons 1 and 2 of The Walking Dead. Why does Holden look like he is auditioning for AC-DC? I like it here. Holden: You can come whenever you want. Okay, I missed his face. What did that look like?


Seriously, why is no one watching Scarlett? How the crap did her dad lose her, and how the heck did she just wander into the house? Yep, mom does not her believe her. Uhm, calm down dad. Well, mom is Lori, and Scarlett is Carl. Well, Gaga found a new toy, quickly. Countess was born in 1904. Wow. Apparently, being a vampire comes from a virus. Okay. That's new. better than venom I guess. The Countess is cold-blooded. Throwing over Donovan for Tristan. Guess Donovan will be visiting Mommy soon.


Iris has Lowe drinking. James March is part Howard Hughes, Gatsby, the crazy Winchester rife lady, and a dash of H. H. Holmes. You can read about Holmes in Devil in the White City. March is also killing people like Poe at his desk. I just realized who the maid is. Mare Winningham who played Peters' mom in Coven. Well, 1924, that makes Evan Peters a ghost, too. I guess? I also guess that Evan Peters was tired of being a good guy. Man, he tossed the bodies in a vineyard with the Bibles on a Sunday, and I'm assuming that the maid is a ghost, too. Man, there is some crazy at this hotel. I wish you would go first, so I can launder the sheets. The world? Miss Evers Volunteered to be his last victim, before he slit his own throat. What AM I WATCHING?!?!?


Room 64 is the heart of the hotel.  Done.


All the murders somehow connect to March. He is killing according to the 10 commandments. Okay this hipster dude with the beard and the man bun needs to go. Annnnnnnd, he's dead. That didn't last long. Tristan has made his first kill. Tristan, guys, at least kick the hipster out of the bed. Next week looks fabulous. "I googled you." "That Sounds obscene."


Well, another Wednesday, another episode of American Horror Story in the books. See ya, next week!

Live Blogging: American Horror Story: Hotel, Episode 1-Checking In

So, it's finally the premiere week that I have been waiting for--American Horror Story premieres tonight, and The Walking Dead premieres on Sunday. I didn't watch the first two seasons of American Horror Story as they happened. I tried starting Murder House, but it initially didn't catch my attention. I later watched both Murder House and Asylum (Seasons 1 and 2). Every one debates which season is the best. Most people (including me) think Murder House is the best. While I agree that Murder House is the best, Coven is my favorite. It was so campy, and Jessica Lange was deliciously evil as Fiona Goode. Freakshow has been my least favorite.  I just think there was too much...just way, too much. Although I will miss Jessica Lange, I'm looking forward to the crazy that Lady Gaga brings to the table in American Horror Story: Hotel.


9:00 p.m.: I will already say that I love the images that I am seeing from Hotel. At first glance, the Hotel Cortez is seriously not a place that I would like to visit. I wonder how long these little girls are going to last. The outside is horrible, but the inside is incredibly beautiful and creepy. These glasses that Kathy Bates is wearing. This place will grow on you are not words I want to hear checking into a hotel with virtually no visible guests. No cell service...I think I would have to chalk up that cash. Crazy maid, check, bloody sheets, check, creepy ass kid, check and check. Nice gloves, Gaga. This room looks like it hasn't been cleaned since 1969.  there is no one in this building chick, and I bet there is a dead person under the bed...okay in the bed. What the hell was that? A Freaking zombie coming out of the mattress. Why are the intros to American Horror Story always scarier than the actual show, especially that creepy music?


9:10 p.m.: Why didn't those girls, I don't know...run?! Free room, nah. Nothing about this hotel says stay the night. This is 2015 right, right? Uh-oh, one of the blonde tourists is missing. What the?? The kids are eating the blonde, wait, what? There is too much already. Zombie man in the mattress, a missing blonde being eaten by scary children, Seneca Crane investigating a murder. OH, lord gross. a crucified dead chick still attached to a dude with no tongue or eyeballs. WTF? Beardless Seneca Crane's kid looks like one of the cannibal kids. Why does Kathy Bates look like Harry Carey? Sarah Paulson, girl, what is wrong with your hair? What the crap was that? Was that a drill bit being used as a nope, nope, y'all.


9:29 p.m.: I had to take a break, because there was way too much freaky going on...Dead dude under the bed. Who are these Doc Brown-looking kids running up and down the halls? Do we even have someone to root for on this show? If my math is right (it may be iffy), 5 people are dead and 1 has lost his eyes, tongue, and has  his favorite tool attached to a dead woman.


9:36 p.m.: Finally a Gaga appearance, and of course, she's getting high before going to the movies in a park. That's what, you do, right? Nothing says romance like Nosferatu in the park. So you just hook up with two random strangers you kinda met in a park. Okay. Zombies, vampires, crazy monster dudes with weird attachments, crazy vampire children, what am I watching?!!?!?!?! Wait, Kathy Bates kidnapped the blondes? What?


9:46 p.m.: So, Sally and Harry fatten up people for Gaga. Run, Vendela, run. Should have swerved girl. Should have run when you saw the  mattress birthing a zombie. Did Seneca Crane bring his daughter to a crime scene, because I feel like there will be another when he gets home. Why do little kids in movies follow trouble? It's like they want to die. Uh-um. that kid is never, ever going to be right. So, someone just swiped your kid off the merry-go-round. Way to be observant, John Travolta.


10:10 p.m.: So, you are going to just let your kid hang out with creepy Lady Gaga. Okay. FYI, If I can live in this room, you can kidnap me. Candy, wall-size video games, and recliners, Couch Potato heaven. Harry Carey is Gaga's Boy toy's mommy? What is wrong with these people? Sarah Paulson is a freaking ghost?!!!! Nice touch with Hotel California. Check out anytime you like, but you can never leave. Wait Seneca Crane, you check in to the murder hotel? What? So, Gaga is a "Vampire" who brought Donovan back, and Sally is a Ghost, and Kathy Bates is a killer Harry Carey. Okay. Why do people continue to even talk to Kathy Bates in movies? She could have candy, and I would assume it's poisoned.


Guys, this was an intense 90 minutes, and these scenes from the season are probably not going to let me sleep. Until next week...