My Teams Need a Dick Butkus Pep Talk

Week three of the fantasy year swept by and beat me like the Lions beat the Redskins. Nope, that’s not a typo, the Detroit Lions finally won a game, leaving in their wake the Cleveland Browns, The St. Louis Rams, and The Kansas City Chiefs to see who will tie them for the longest losing streak. Yikes, the Chiefs have lost seven games in a row, and they are hosting the New York Giants this weekend. I’d like to give a shout out to my homies at the Fox network for allowing me to see my team led away like lambs to the slaughter this week by the G-Men. Much props! JaMarcus Russell (who ownes an NFL-worst 39.8 pass rating) was declared the Ryan Leaf of the new Millennium, Brady Quinn was benched for Derek Anderson who quickly proved that he too sucked, and the freaking Denver Broncos (WTF?) are undefeated. Peyton Manning is still Peyton Manning (Arizona, Did y’all forget?), and the Cowboys finally won at the 9th wonder of the modern world. There were a couple reports about Brett Favre playing against his former team the Green Bay Packers. ESPN provided so little info, that I barely realized that it was Monday Night Football. I know Ole #4 insists that he did not return to the game because he wants revenge, but I can’t help but thinking that Brett wishes that he can beat them like he did San Francisco last week, and then go all Toby Keith flipping the bird with both hands to Ted Thompson yelling “I’m Brett Favre, B*tch!” Just me? Sorry… Then, my fantasy D/ST the San Diego Chargers had an outbreak of groin injuries. Five players including my favorite Shawne Merriman have reported groin injuries this week… I know there is a joke here that involves Patron or maybe La Familia, but I’m not going there…
Back to my Fantasy Football Teams. I was 0-4 last week, and I don’t see it getting better over the next couple of weeks. Half my team has a bye week next week (obviously, I’m an idiot). Merriman played maybe three snaps last week, while one of my quarterbacks was benched for a second year player (yeah, I’m talking about you Byron Leftwich, you Gary Coleman looking, -2 point playing, m-, Oh, I’m sorry). LDT may finally get to see the field, but just my luck he’ll be back on the bench before the end of the second quarter (BTW, I saw his Live United commercial. Nice guy, but I couldn’t imagine staying awake during an interview with him). Tony G. is on a bye this week, so I have to find some schmuck to take his place this week (BTW, where the heck were you T. Gon last week against the Pats? 1 point? You are Tony Gonzalez. You don’t get off the bus for less than 5 points, comprende a mi amigo?). That said, let’s examine the carnage.
The Merry Mad Men (2-1) v. BenGal
My Merry Mad Men went up against BenGal of the Hell Raisers League. I submitted the following lineup: QB-Kurt Warner, RBs-Michael Bennett and Larry Johnson, WR-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Kaeding, DST-San Diego Chargers.
My MadMen were neither Merry nor Mad. I had five players on this team with just one point each. 5 with 1 point each. SMH…I just…I don’t…My Player of the Week was Reggie Wayne with 18 points. My Chargers D/ST rebounded with 17 points, and Kurt Warner had 15, but they could not make up for those busters with their one point performances. The MadMen went down for the count 81-101.
Hecate’s HellHounds (1-2) v. crazyeights
The HellHounds are my best team. MY BEST TEAM!!!! Peep my lineup, yo: QB-Drew Brees, RBs-Ryan Grant and Michael Bennett, WRs-Donald Driver, Santonio Holmes, Devery Henderson, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Nate Kaeding, DST-San Diego Chargers. How could I lose, right? Well, they found a way. There is this little short dude in Jacksonville who dropped 31 points on my team. He dropped us like he did Shawne Merriman two years ago (Sorry, Shawne, man…I still love you though. I know you didn’t see him.). Yeah, I hate Maurice Jones-Drew. He now ranks right up there with the Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Oakland Raiders, and Chittlins. My player of the week-The Chargers D/ST and their strained groins with 17 points. The rest don’t even deserve to be mentioned. They are getting the Voldemort treatment. The crazyeights neutered the HellHounds 91-64.
The Crazy 88’s (1-2) v. Black Sheep
I started QB-Byron Leftwich, RBs-Larry Johnson and Michael Bennett, WRs-Donald Driver, Torry Holt, Reggie Wayne, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rob Bironas, DST-San Diego Chargers. You remember last week that I told you that this team is still a little suspect to me. Wouldn’t you know it? They went out and proved me absolutely right. I want to take a minute to calmly state that I think Byron Leftwich is whack. That’s right, Byron, whack. I defended you, brother, defended you, when they drummed you out of Jacksonville. Rooted for you when they brought you to Tampa. Then you go and dropped a -2 points on me last week. A -2 freaking points! Even Gonzo managed 1 point! My player of the week was Reggie Wayne and the San Diego Chargers D/ST. Thanks for showing up boys. The Crazy 88’s hit some sour notes as the Black Sheep banged out a symphony winning 81-62.
Gonzalez y Gonzalez (1-2) v. Lights Out (Literally)
Gonzalez y Gonzalez chupan como un equipo. That is Spanish for they suck… And Jacob, whose team’s initials spell out (TILA), mocked me with Shawne Merriman’s quarterback Phillip Rivers. I lined-up: QB-Jay Cutler, RB-Michael Bennett, Darren Sproles, and Cedric Benson, WR-Justin Gage and Larry Fitzgerald, TE-Tony Gonzalez, K-Rian Lindell, DST-San Diego Chargers. I’m giving this team the side eye and a mouth twist. My player of the week was Crybaby Cutler with 19 points. Team Groin and Cedric Benson tied with 13 points each (damn you ESPN and your scoring system!!!!) Lights Out (Literally) choked and held team Gonzalez y Gonzalez against our will when we tried to leave. The final score LOL (ironic isn’t it) 79-G and G 63. Sigh…
Well, Tony G., Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald are all on vacation this week. I’ve gotta go find some losers to take their place. Until next week…
Just remember- “Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.” Frank Gifford. Have a good Fantasy Week, Y’all.